Life: Chats and Rants

6 weeks old

2011-10-12T20:32:00.002-06:00

Baby Girl is six weeks old. There are days when I feel like the time has flown by, and other days where I feel like it's been the longest six weeks of my life. Being a parent is hard. Parenting a newborn is hard. Doing both while struggling with depression is worse then hard. It fucking sucks.

Two weeks after Baby Girl was born, I was put on a bigger dose of my anti-depressants. I've been struggling with depression for years (since 8th grade). I saw the signs in myself that things were deteriorating, and I took steps to correct it as soon as I could. The medicine has helped, but so has reaching out to friends and family. Depression should not be dealt with quietly. In order to brighten up the dark spots in my life, I need to open them up to people. Family and friends have become a light to me the past six weeks, helping me see that the dark spots aren't hugely scary. At the very least, they aren't hugely scary when you have someone there holding your hand.

Several of my friends have dealt with PPD, and it's been a great help to me to talk to them. They understand how I feel, and can talk me down from the verge of a panic attack. They've helped me realize that Baby Girl is going to grow and thrive, and that just because I get frustrated when she cries doesn't mean I'm a bad parent.

I've also started getting out the house with Baby Girl. We go visit family and friends, go shopping, or just go for a walk. And when I need a Baby Girl free moment, The Husband takes her and I escape to Target.

And in spite of all of the crap that is my depression, Baby Girl is happy. She smiles more and more each day. The smiles help. She is getting bigger and no longer fits in most of her newborn clothes. She adores tummy time. She is growing up so fast, and I don't want to miss a single moment.

We're still alive!

2011-09-16T12:52:00.000-06:00

It's just hard to write blog posts with one hand! So here's some bullets to update you!

Baby Girl is doing great. Our new saying around the house "She's thriving in spite of us"
Things are starting to settle into a routine at our house. Our world was a bit crazy for the first two weeks of Baby Girl's life. I came home from the hospital with a stomach bug, then when I finally started feeling better, The Husband got food poisoning and we had to take him to the hospital! It would have been a rough two weeks even if I hadn't had a newborn and a c-section to recover from. But we survived, and I think it upped our confidence level. If we can keep Baby Girl alive through that, we should be ok through regular stuff!
In the midst of me and The Husband getting sick, Moo ate a bag of M&Ms. Guess he was feeling left out of the we-cant-keep-anything-down group that me and The Husband had. Carpets to be cleaned, eventually.
Baby Girl did give us quite the scare when she was a week old though. About 4 hours after a feeding, she started spitting up exorcist style. I was seriously waiting to see her little head turn around. And the spit up? Had brown chunks in it. I ran up stairs and woke my husband, who called the pediatrician. Turns out I should have named my baby Renesme. My nipple had a crack in it, and she had been drinking blood along with the milk. (Maybe I've been watching to many episodes of Vampire Diaries?) It took her awhile to get all the blood out of her tummy, but once it was gone, she was back to her normal, happy, non exorcist self.
Baby blues suck. Hard.
This has been our first week on our own, and I think we're doing ok. I still haven't ventured out of the house with Baby Girl. I'm to afraid of everything that's out there that could get her sick.
Honestly, I'm afraid of a lot of things that have to do with Baby Girl. I'm working on getting over them, but it's hard. I think the anxiety ties back into the baby blues. But this is where our saying comes into play. I may not have a clue in hell what I'm doing, but Baby Girl is thriving, so I must not be screwing it all up! And so long as she's alive, we can pay for therapy for all the damage I do to her psyche.

Birth Story - Updated with Picture

2011-09-03T22:46:00.001-06:00

Sunday was an anxious day for me as I waited to find out whether or not I'd be going in to the hospital for an induction. Finally, I received word that there was room for me that night, and we headed off for the hospital. When we got there, the whole main entrance was under construction, which really stressed me out. The hospital had told us that if we didn't arrive on time, they might not start the induction, and I was hugely sick of being pregnant. After finally finding our way to labor and delivery we were about a half hour late, only to find out we were the only ones in labor and delivery. The ONLY people.

After we finished all the paperwork and were admitted we were taking to our room. The nurse placed my IV, and put me on the monitors to watch Baby Girl and to watch for contractions. As soon as she plugged the contraction monitor in we saw a pretty strong one go across the screen. I didn't feel a thing. I took this as a good sign. Maybe I was already dilating?! It took another hour for the doctor to arrive to administer the cervidril himself. Holy Hell. I almost came up and out of the bed while he was placing the drug. Add to that that there was no change to my cervix; still high and closed. I was hoping that would be the worst of it. But I was wrong. About a half hour later the contractions started to get painful.

My doctor wouldn't let me have an epidural until I had dilated to a 4. That became my goal. All I had to do was make it through the night, he'd check me in the morning and then I'd get the good drugs. Meanwhile, I was getting shots of something that took the pain away for about 45 minutes, but I was only allowed the shots every three hours. So, 45 minutes of peace, then agony until the next shot.

During the night, my stomach decided to rebel against me. I got horrid diarrhea as a reaction to the cervidril. I got another shot of something to make the diarrhea stop, and a shot of zofran to ease up the nausea. More cramps, more nausea, more diarrhea, more pain.

Soon, it's morning, and my doctor is there to take out the drug, and check my progress. And after all that pain, there has to be progress, right? Nope. NONE. Cervix still high and closed. It was at this point that I burst into tears. Thirteen hours of labor, thirteen hours of hell, and my body hadn't done anything right. I was given three options: Go home and continue to labor on my own (Um, hell no); Start the pitocin and see if we can make the cervix respond (Dr. said it would more then likely fail and that he still wouldn't give me any good drugs until I was dilated to a four); Or do a c-section. I think I debated for all of five minutes. The pain needed to end, so a c-section it was!

Things after that are kind of a blur. The anesthesiologist came in and started spouting off his stuff, my doctor started going through his stuff, and I was signing papers. I remember telling everyone I didn't feel well, and throwing up (which up until the birth I hadn't done since 2003). I remember someone coming in and shaving me, and someone coming in from the NuMom2B study and talking to me, but I don't remember about what. I was focusing on making it through the contractions, and they were doozys!

They asked me to walk to the OR. I laughed at them and they got me a wheelchair. All I could think about at this point was that I would soon be getting a spinal and the pain would end. I wish I could say that I was excited to meet my Anna, but that thought wasn't there. When we got to the OR, they had me climb onto the table, and then the anesthesiologist started to work on my spinal. It took him several tries, for which he kept apologizing, but honestly the pain was less than contractions, so it didn't faze me. When he got it right, and the pain started melting away I was in heaven.

The rest of the birth is only in bits and pieces of memories.

I remember them setting up the curtain, hearing my doctor explaining the surgery to a resident, someone asking my husband if he wanted to see her born (his response, "no thanks") and then hearing the most beautiful cry in the world. I started crying, and thinking of how much I'd been through to get here. All of it was worth it (cliche, I know). The Husband even teared up, although he denies it now.

They took her out, The Husband went with. He came back with a picture of her and she was beautiful. They brought her out to us, and all I could see were her eyes, but they were beautiful eyes. Wheeled back to my room, and there was my mom, and I started crying all over again. When I got back to the room I had my mom and The Husband unwrap her so I could count her fingers and toes. Cue more tears.

It was quite the journey to get her here, but we are so happy!

She's Here!

2011-09-03T00:07:00.000-06:00

Anna was born at 9:36am on Monday morning. She weighed in at 8 pounds 9 ounces and was 20.5 inches long. She is absolutely beautiful, and me and The Husband love her to pieces!

We were released to come home from the hospital Thursday, and that's about the time I got the stomach bug from hell. We've been trying to take care of me, and Anna since, and battling guilt as we discuss breastfeeding and formula due to the fact that I've been to sick to nurse since we got home. We were able to get a used breast pump, so it looks like Anna will be able to get some breast milk by bottle, and then we'll supplement with formula.

It's been a rough first week, but I promise to post the birth story soon. Right now I'm focusing on getting better and learning about my little one.

Getting closer to meeting Baby Girl

2011-08-28T09:34:00.000-06:00

Well, today is the big day. Or rather the lead up to the Big Day. Tonight I go to the hospital to start the induction process. I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous as heck! In the past two months so many "caring" moms have told me their birth stories and other peoples ~~horror~~ birth stories that I've got all these images in my brain that won't go away. I mean, really, was that necessary? Did they have to do it because it was done to them?

And to jump off on a tangent here, you know how many judgmental people are telling me that they would never have an induction? I've heard: to many risks; it's not natural; wait for the baby to decide when she's ready; and my favorite, just relax and it will happen. I'm 8 days past due people. Screw relaxing, screw waiting on her timeline, and screw natural (honestly with the Femera, it wasn't really a natural conception anyway, why should her birth be all natural?). I'll take the risks, I want my Baby Girl out!

Ok, tangent over. Besides being nervous, I'm so super excited! Baby Girl is going to be here soon! I can't wait to hold her, and then scold her for taking so long to come out. The Husband is excited too, although he's trying to hide it. If I didn't know him better, I'd be really peeved about his attitude. But it's the same face he presented when we were getting married: happy indifference. Also, I think he is nervous about the labor and possible c-section.

Off to watch some Vampire Diaries to kill time until tonight.

Bullet Point Update

2011-08-23T12:41:00.000-06:00

Have you missed me? I've missed me! My computer has been dead for almost three weeks, and I couldn't post at work. So, here is a whole bunch of updates for you:

Baby Girl is officially past due. She is also huge. Had an ultrasound done today to determine size, and the doctor is estimating her at 9lbs 5oz. He said he could be off a pound in either direction. Let's hope he's an over-estimator!
We've scheduled an induction date. I will go in to the hospital next Sunday the 28th and start the process. That means by this time next week I should have a little (haha) baby girl in my arms! It's really nice to have an end date in sight.
However, my cervix remains relatively unchanged. The doctor says it is not "favorable" and that my odds of having a c-section are way up. Add that to her size and he told me to mentally prepare myself for that. Joy. I was really hoping to not have to cross that bridge, but I will do whatever it takes to get Baby Girl here.
The little ~~popsicle hoarding doorbell ringing annoyance~~ girl next door came over to check on me last night. She can't quite grasp the concept that Baby Girl was due Saturday and still isn't here. She told me that as long as we were waiting, why not wait until March so they could have the same birthday?
Then, she asked me if I was excited to have this baby because "You used to be so skinny!" I'm taking it as a compliment. Someone thought I was skinny before!
Speaking of weight, I'm down two pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. Factor in 9 pounds of baby, and I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself.
I have become addicted to The Vampire Diaries. Net flix does not get them to me fast enough. Stephan is cute and all, but Damon has me won over. And the fact that they routinely make fun of Twilight? Love it! (I'll let you in on a little secret: I'm not a fan of the Twilight movies. The Husband, however, is a major Twi-hard.)
I'm also reading a ton. I will take any and all book suggestions! I'm currently re-reading The Wheel of Time series.

I think that's about it. I'm off work on maternity leave (not by choice, my contract ran out of money for the fiscal year) and trying to enjoy my free time while I can. Hopefully the computer keeps working so I can update you guys more often!

Dreams

2011-08-04T08:28:00.000-06:00

I had an amazing, yet heartbreaking dream last night. And it's pretty much all I can think about this morning.

I've told you that baby girls name will be Anna Beth. The Beth part comes from my Grandma. She was, and will always be, my hero. She was the center of everything, the one with all the knowledge and answers. She always had a solution to a problem, although sometimes the solutions were not practical at all. She died in 2006, and I miss her so very much.

Last night I had a dream where she visited me at my house. I got to show her around, and she talked to me about how proud she was that I was married and a homeowner. We both oohed and ahhed over all the baby things in the nursery. She told me how excited she was that I was having a baby. She gave me a great big hug and told me that I was going to be a great mother. I wanted to stay in that dream forever, but finally my Grandma told me she had to go, but that she would be watching over me and baby girl.

I'm not an overly religious person, but I am very spiritual. And I know that wherever great people like my Grandma go after they die, that she's happy there. And I'm holding on to the idea that it wasn't just a dream, that somehow I was really with her last night. And that she will watch over me and little Anna Beth.

And I hope that someday, I can explain to my baby girl how special her name really is.

Back among the living

2011-08-01T09:40:00.000-06:00

I am finally counting myself back among the living. Last week was rough. Bronchitis. Boo.

I wasn't feeling my best last Sunday, but didn't think much of it. I have heard, after all, about how women feel crappy the closer they get to delivery. So there I was feeling slightly ashamed for being a "normal fertile type pregnant person". . . And so I figured I didn't need to tell anyone I wasn't feeling great. No need to whine.

By Tuesday I was feeling pretty awful. And decided to mention it at my checkup. Told the doctor how I was feeling, he did his doctor thing, and told me I had bronchitis. Huh. No wonder I felt like shit. And can I just say, that momentary flash of triumph that I wasn't just a whiny pregnant person? Priceless! So the doctor put me on antibiotics and told me to rest and all that junk. And today? Today I finally feel like I am back to normal. Still have a lingering cough and runny nose, but nothing I can't handle.

In other related news, I had my 36 week checkup last Tuesday, and baby girl has dropped. Which was nice of her since I was having problems breathing with the bronchitis. Had the strep b test done (why didn't any of you previously pregnant ladies warn me about this?!?) And a cervix check that showed I wasn't dilated at all and my cervix was hard. Which is ok, because baby girl still has time left before she needs to be here.

I have my 37 week appointment tomorrow, so we'll see if anything has changed! I'll update you guys sooner this time, I promise.

Summer

2011-07-22T08:31:00.000-06:00

The popsicle plan backfired. But surprisingly, not in the way I thought it would. I figured once the kids got a taste of the free sugar, they'd be asking for popsicles every day. Of course, I was prepared for this; I bought a giant thing of popsicles!

Instead, I now have lots of friends. Lots of friends who are 10 years old or younger. They come over to my house every night when I get home, not to ask for a treat, but to hang out. They tell me all about their day (which usually involves riding bikes, swimming, and whatever cool dead thing they found). Then they check up on me and the baby, play with Moo for awhile, and then leave.

I know, you're thinking it doesn't sound so bad. And it wasn't at first. I was honestly a little honored that these kids thought I was "cool" enough to talk to. But soon one visit a night was two, and then three, and then more.

I attempt to ignore them when they ring the doorbell, but then they start knocking on the door. And the dog goes nuts. And if I continue to ignore them, they start ringing the doorbell again. Then knocking. I timed it once, they were out there for five minutes! Once they even opened my door and started to come in to the house (they got an earful for that one).

Monday I'd had enough, and went down and explained to the kids that if I didn't answer after they rang the doorbell once, I wasn't going to, and they had to stop. Their little faces looked so sad. So I gave them popsicles.

34 week appointment

2011-07-11T15:40:00.000-06:00

I just got back from my 34 week appointment. Things are looking great, and the doctor said my pregnancy is progressing nicely. Which is always good to hear!

I had to go in again two hours after I ate lunch to have my blood sugars tested, but they came out fine. The doctor said this means I don't have gestational diabetes (which I thought we'd already determined) but he wants me to keep eating healthy. Which is pretty much a no brainer. I think my body is loving the fact that I'm giving it better fuel to burn. I hope to continue the trend long after the baby is born!

Blood pressure is fine, although I was a bit freaked out over the number: 142/62. The doctor told me it's the number on the bottom that concerns him the most, and since I was coming into their office in the middle of a stressful work day, he wasn't concerned about my numbers.

I'm still measuring a week ahead, but the doctor isn't concerned about that either. And he's equally not concerned by the fact that I now weigh 2 pounds less then when I conceived. So either everything is going great, or my doctor takes to much x.anax.

Things that made me smile this week

2011-07-08T18:39:00.000-06:00

Minute Maid Light Lemonade. Soo good, and refreshing with the heat. And also a great treat at the end of a long day!
My fur baby Moo. He follows me everywhere lately, even on all of my bathroom trips, although he gets locked out. He's started sticking his paw under the door when I'm in there. Makes me smile every time!
My Nook. I love being able to carry 20+ books around with me wherever I go.
My Zune. Without music I'm pretty sure I'd turn into a grumpy, mean spirited person.
Anything related to Anna. But that's a given.
Being told by a lady at work and another one at my pharmacy that I look amazing. Totally made my week, because I'll be honest here, I don't feel like I look amazing. I feel fine physically, but I don't know how well that translates to what everyone else sees.
Cold baths. Absolute heaven! By the end of the day I feel overheated and swollen, and a nice cold bath makes me feel so much better! Plus as I'm laying there reading my Nook, I can look over at the door and see paws sticking under the door. Who wouldn't smile seeing that?
Watermelon anything. Fresh watermelon, watermelon sorbet, watermelon bubble gum. Yummy! And the price on the fresh watermelon is going down, which is really helping my budget as I've been eating it non-stop since January.

What's made you smile this week?

My Third Summer as a Popsicle Pusher

2011-07-01T17:54:00.000-06:00

So begins another summer. Last week I went to the store and bought a giant box of otter pops, and I know it isn't the last box I'll buy this summer. What started out as a great way to get a certain little boy to leave my house, has morphed into a summer tradition. And the kids all know it. I am, for better or worse, The Popsicle Lady.

This year, the popsicles came with rules. First rule is that they can't come up and bug me incesantly about getting a popsicle. I'm hoping that the kids respect this rule, but I'm not certain they will. The second rule is that I will no longer hand out popsicles to any of the kids if I find any of my flowers picked. I'm hoping the lure of the popsicle mixed with kid peer pressure will save my blossoms.

Back story on the flowers: I've been getting home from work each night to find my flowers picked and then abandoned in my driveway to wither and die. It's one thing if you are picking my flowers to take home to your mom, but to pick them and just let them die? Anger.

Anywho, there are two new little kids in our circle that moved in over the winter. They didn't know about the popsicles, and we so excited to get them. So excited in fact, that they took out my trash cans and helped me weed the front yard.

All this time I've been going about it the wrong way. I was using the popsicles as a way to get the kids to leave, when I could have been using them to get yardwork done! What have I been thinking?

Spoiled? Yes. But also incredibly grateful.

2011-06-29T19:08:00.000-06:00

I had a baby shower last Saturday. It was beautiful and fantastic and so surreal. I couldn't believe how many people were there to help me celebrate my little miracle.

My friend threw the shower, and it was so well put together. I'm still waiting on pictures to be emailed to me, but when I have them I'll make sure to post some. I swear this friend could be a party planner (I don't know why I was so surprised actually. . . .She was the one who planned my wedding, and it was fabulous as well!)

When my friend was planning the shower she asked about what I would and would not like. The only rule I gave her? To not be too baby focused. I know, tough rule. But the infertile that's still inside me couldn't stand that my shower might hurt someone else.

All together, it was a nice shower. No dorky baby shower games (although there were games), the food was wonderful (so they tell me, I just ate the watermelon), and the people who showed up made me smile.

I'll post pictures when I get them.

Oh, and as to why I'm spoiled? This shower was one of three. My next shower is July 16, and the final shower is August 5th. Yeah, I'm spoiled, but so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to be spoiled!

Update on the Gestational Diabetes

2011-06-27T12:52:00.000-06:00

About a month ago I failed my 1 hour GD test. And I realized that I haven't updated you guys on what's happened since then.

The following week I took my 3 hour test. Longest 3 hours of my life. The glucose drink was thicker and sweeter then it was for the 1 hour test. It was hard to drink, and hard to keep down the first hour of the test. Overall, the test wasn't as bad as I'd feared or as good as I'd hoped. But I survived it.

When I received the results, I had failed the second hour blood draw, but passed the other three. So I'm now on a "we'll just pretend like you have gestational diabetes, even though you didn't completely fail the 3 hour test" diet. The only plus side to this, is that if I feel like I must cheat (like with the really yummy cupcake at my shower Saturday) I don't feel horrible.

Otherwise, I'm cutting way back on sugar and carbs, and have been told to increase my protein substantially. Boo. Me and protein have not been friends throughout this pregnancy. I can't say that I've had many cravings other than watermelon, but I have definitely had aversions, and anything with meat has been unable to be eaten. But I'm sucking it up in the name of a healthier me and a healthier baby.

At my last check up appointment the doctor had me eat a normal lunch and come in two hours later to have my blood sugar tested. And it was normal. Now he wants me to do it again at my next appointment in two weeks. Hopefully all is well that time too.

So short version: I don't have gestational diabetes, but I'm pretending I do.

2011-06-22T06:00:00.001-06:00

I knew that pregnancy came with it's own special kind of body changes. I was expecting most of them. The stretch marks I wear like stripes of accomplishment, even when I whine about them. The leaky boobs mean that my body is trying to make food for the little one. The big stomach is her safe haven for the next nine weeks. I can even get used to the stranger ones, like my normal freckles turning into huge spots, or the itchy rash that I cannot get to leave my elbows. Honestly, if that's what it takes to make this baby, I'll deal with it!

But then Sunday happened. And quite honestly, I think I found a pregnancy change that I'm not loving. I was driving home from The Husbands parents, and I kept getting this hair falling into my eye. I'd take off my sunglasses, brush my eye, pull my hair back, and then two minutes later, that same hair is back. Since I was driving, I couldn't find the offender and deal with it, so I waited until we got home and grabbed a mirror to find the evil hair.

It was my eyebrow. I had a three inch hair growing out of my eyebrow. WTF? How is that normal, even pregnancy normal? And three inches? I've been walking around with old man hair in my eyebrows for how long? AACK!

So, since I'm not going to claim that my body would do something like that without the benefit of pregnancy, we are going to call this a nasty pregnancy symptom, and hope that it never ever comes back.

The Things People Say. . .

2011-06-20T13:54:00.000-06:00

I've reached a point in my pregnancy where I am obviously pregnant. I've passed the "Is she just gaining weight? Maybe she's fat" stage and entered into a whole new unknown. It the place where complete strangers feel it's appropriate to comment on my size, my weight, my tummy roundness, and anything else they can.

The conversation ususally goes something like this:

Stranger: So, when are you due?
Me: August
Stranger: Ooohhhhh (then looks at stomach again)
Me: Yep
Stranger: Are you sure there's just one in there?
Me: Yep (but what I really want to say is some snappy comeback about them making judgments about my weight)
Stranger: That baby's gonna be huge then!
Me: Well the doctor is fine with her growth, so I'm not worried
Stranger then usually lapses into a story about a friends brothers cousins ex wife who had a kid who was huge and how it totally wrecked her body/mind/car etc.

Yeah, thanks stranger. I find your knowledge about me being pregnant just as helpful as all that information you spouted regarding infertility. I mean, doesn't everyone trust other peoples advice more than that of their health care provider?

Then last week at work, a male coworker comes up and asks me, "So, how much weight have you gained?" First off, none of your damn business. And second, I haven't actually gained any weight. How do people think that this is an ok question to ask?

And finally, I have to complain a bit about the little kids in my neighborhood. Every single time I step outside, one of the ~~brats~~ kids says "Wow, your tummy is HUGE!" Is it bad of me that I want to respond with something to make them run inside and cry? Probably.

Honestly though, even though these people annoy me, and I will complain about them (because I'm a top notch complainer, just ask The Husband) a big part of me is thrilled that people are recognizing I'm pregnant. And if they don't understand exactly how much of a miracle I consider all of this, it's their loss. Because I'm loving it.

NuMom2B Study Visit 3

2011-05-27T11:38:00.000-06:00

I am a bad blogger. I had my third NuMom2B visit on May 3rd. And I haven't blogged about it yet. Time to remedy that!

The third and final visit was quite fun. I had to do all the regular things like give samples of blood, urine, and vag swabs. They had me do a separate swab this time, but didn't tell me what it was for. I should have asked.

Then came the fun part: the ultrasound! I invited my parents to be there for this ultrasound, because the machine at the hospital is so much better than the one at my doctors office! The ultrasound was fun; I don't think I'll ever get tired of seeing my miracle on the screen. They measured baby girl because they said the measurements given to them by my doctor weren't of great quality. I didn't mind, it was more screen time.

Then they switched on the 3D/4D imaging. And it was amazing. My baby girl turned from a profile shot into a real baby. I know she was real before, but this was truly fun to see. But I'll be honest, and say it was also a little creepy. If the scan went "down" to far, there were suddenly giant holes in her face and head; body parts would disappear and reappear. Also, it doesn't matter how great the quality is, baby girl still didn't look quite human.

I then answered a whole bunch of questions for the study. All of them repeats from the previous two sessions. They questioned me about diseases I've had; my and my husbands family history; my exercise regimen, etc. Then a quick jump on the scale and blood pressure check and I was free to go.

They also gave me a dvd of the ultrasound (which I haven't watched) and a whole bunch more pictures (which I have oohed and ahhed over several times). They also gave me a paper that I'm to present to the admitting nurse when I deliver, as the study wants to get samples of the placenta.

After going through all of the crap to get pregnant, this study has provided me a much needed reassurance that everything is going well with this pregnancy. I'm very glad I signed up to do it.

I failed

2011-05-25T14:19:00.000-06:00

The one hour glucose test, that is. I just got a call from my doctors nurse, and I have to go in next week to take the three hour test. I'm pretty disappointed honestly. I figured I wasn't going to pass, but there was that hope that everything would be ok. There are just way to many things working against me for me not to have gestational diabetes. But we'll see. No official diagnosis until the three hour test is back.

Wish me luck!

It never goes away

2011-05-20T15:47:00.000-06:00

So here I sit. Happy and 27 weeks pregnant. (Holy shit, 27 is a lot of weeks!) And IF is never far from my mind. I may have won a battle against PCOS and IF, but I know many who are still out on the front lines fighting the war.

IF came back and smacked me today. I received a bill for a test done last September; a progesterone test. And I noticed in the bill that the insurance hadn't paid any of it. And I couldn't figure out why. So I called the place that billed me, and was told the insurance wouldn't pay because it was related to infertility. I know, I know, I should have seen that one coming. But I felt so blindsided.

I was so frustrated, so angry, that I said to the woman on the other end of the line "I know it's not your fault, but that really pisses me off. It's like they keep finding ways to screw you over!" And you know what the nice lady said to me? She told me, "I know. I've been there. I've fought your battles. And it is hard, and they do screw you over."

Well that caught me off guard. I told her that I was pregnant, and due in August, and she genuinely sounded happy for me. I asked her if she'd made it through the battle, and she got quiet, and in a voice that I can only describe as pure happiness, she said "Yes".

This quick conversation really got me thinking. IF never goes away. Even if I choose to only have this one child, IF will always be there. If I choose to fight again for another child, I'll be facing the battles again. But just because I've won this battle, it doesn't mean that IF is no longer there. There will always be people fighting in the front lines. I just hope I can support them like they supported me.

Mother's Day

2011-05-09T16:38:00.000-06:00

Warning: Rant below. The rant does deal with pregnancy, but also with life, so if you don't feel like reading, I understand.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day with a baby. Yes, she's still an inside baby, but she's mine. I looked back at last Mother's Day. The day I tested and got yet another BFN. And cried. And ate a whole tub of ice cream. My heart aches for the me of last year. My heart aches for all the other women who don't have their dream baby yet. It was a surreal day where a part of me was happy to be where I'm at, and another part of me wanted so much to pull each and every woman who is still struggling across the chasm to be with me. It doesn't feel 100% right to be here when others aren't.

Saturday night I make a point of reminding The Husband, yet again how important Sunday is for me. I even spell it out: "I want you to acknowledge the day with a gift. Doesn't have to be big, but something" That's a good hint for a guy right? When I tell him this, his friend is sitting next to him (they were getting ready to play computer games) and the friend looks at me and says "You're not even a Mother. Not really"

Friend almost got kicked upside the head. And so did The Husband when he responds to Friend "Yeah, I know. I've tried logic with her, and she never listens" The Husband and Friend proceed to laugh, while I'm still standing there. Oh, such anger. I told them to have a great night (laced with sarcasm) and went to my room (yes, at that point The Husband wasn't going to get to sleep in there) and shut the door. And promptly burst into tears.

I forget sometimes how men can be so utterly clueless. I sat on my bed and cried until my throat was raw and my eyes were puffy. I cried because I didn't understand how he could make such a callous comment when he had watched my, our, struggles to get pregnant up close. I cried because I didn't understand how he could take the side of Friend when I'm The Wife. He didn't marry Friend, he married me. I cried because I felt that he didn't feel that Anna was worth enough to celebrate.

I cried and cried, and must have been not as quiet as I thought I was, because The Husband came into my room. And asked me why I was crying. And then got upset with me when I told him why. Men. He said that neither he nor Friend had meant to make me upset. That it was a joke. Harmless. I told The Husband that it was a shitty joke, and completely fucked up. I stopped crying. But didn't really forgive either of them.

Woke up Sunday morning to a present and a card. Not sure when The Husband went shopping but I suspect it was after TearFest 2011. He got me a card and signed Anna's name, and both of the fur kids. And in the card he wrote how happy he was to become a Dad. And I forgave him a little more. And then the present was a new purse, which I love. Especially knowing that he thinks my love of purses is a waste of money. And I forgave him a little more.

He's now allowed back in our bedroom. At least for the time being.

2011-04-29T10:03:00.000-06:00

It's been too long since I last posted. And I have no real good reason for not posting. On the surface, my life these past two weeks has been perfect. My dad is out of the hospital, and has been release to return to work. My husband received a promotion at work and now gets to do what he's wanted to do forever, computer programming. I'm still liking my job, and loving the fact that congress passed a budget so I get to keep working.

And I know what you're thinking: Amber, you're pregnant, you've got it all! Just shut up already.

And I would tend to agree with you. Which is why this week has been so hard. I have no reason to explain the depression I've been battling this week. It's been a struggle to get up each morning, and a battle to not retreat directly to bed when I get home from work. I've been fighting the blahs tooth and nail this week, and even then not winning. And then on top of feeling depressed, I've felt guilty for feeling depressed. Issues? Yep, I have em.

Two things changed my outlook this week. The first was a lovely package from Genevieve with some beautiful butterfly photo stands that are going to look so amazing in the baby's room. How she managed to send them at a time when I needed something beautiful is beyond me, but I'm so very grateful!

The second was being able to see my little Anna on an ultrasound. During the last ultrasound the doctors office couldn't get a clear picture of her heart, and so we had to have another one done yesterday. And there she was, moving around, looking healthy and right on track. And I realized that she was the reason I've been fighting to get up in the morning, and the reason I'm not hiding in my bed at night. I fought for two years to get to this place, and I'll keep fighting to keep my head above water.

Hopefully I'm back from the black hole of this past week. I've been dealing with depression for more than a decade, and I'd like to say that I won't fall back into that hole. But at least I know I can always climb back out.

2011-04-14T13:32:00.000-06:00

Just a quick update. My dad's surgery went well. The doctor even told us that he had a fantastic anatomy and that the surgery was textbook. Great things to hear when they are messing around with the aorta in your dad's body.

He was in ICU for about 12 hours after the surgery so they could monitor him closely. Then he was moved to a regular room for another day or so. He was released this morning, and is now home resting. I'll be taking part of tomorrow off from work to give my mom a break and some well deserved time to her self.

It's been a long interesting week, but it's ending well, and that's what matters.

Good and Bad

2011-04-11T13:06:00.000-06:00

Things have been hectic here for the past week or so. Hence the lack of blogging. I would just get a post written, only to have the very thing I was writing about change. The week has been full of good things and bad things, and for the most part those things have resolved themselves.

As you know, I'm a government employee (contractor) and that meant that I was facing furlough. Never has the news coming out of Washington DC interested me as much as it has in the last month. When someone else's decisions can affect your financial future, it makes for interesting watching. They of course passed a temporary resolution late Friday night, and are working on writing the new budget for the year into law. I'll be honest, part of me is relieved that I am working today, and part of me is a little bummed not to have gotten a day or two off.

Then there's my dad. He's scheduled for surgery to repair his aortic aneurysm tomorrow. I'm really nervous about this, and didn't really want to write that last sentence. Somehow telling all of you what he's facing makes it seem more real. So I've been avoiding putting it into words and making it concrete. But it is what it is. We find out this evening what time he'll be wheeled into surgery tomorrow. After the surgery is performed he'll be in the ICU for a time to make sure all his vitals stay where they should be. I really don't want to see my dad in ICU. It was hard enough seeing him in the hospital the beginning of March. As always, prayers and positives thoughts are welcome.

And finally, to end this post on a positive note, we started on the nursery this weekend! I've picked out a bed set, and we painted the walls. The Husband is not so sure about the color I picked, but I'm happy with it. When I get home I'll post a picture so you can check it out. It was a fun weekend. My parents came up to help with the painting, and I really enjoyed getting to spend some time with them.

Second Ultrasound

2011-03-31T13:07:00.000-06:00

Baby girl wasn't playing nice at the ultrasound yesterday at my doctors office. We didn't get any good pictures of her this time. She would not stop moving! It was really fun to see my parents faces as they watched her on the screen. My dad was in awe, and I could tell my mom was already in love.

The doctor wasn't able to confirm the sex, but did say that he's 70% sure its a girl. We didn't tell him that we'd already found out, because I didn't want his opinion to be biased (yes, I'm paranoid, deal with it). The tech at the first ultrasound was 99% sure it was a girl, so I'm thinking we're safe.

All of baby girls organs looked good, and she's measuring about 4 days ahead. The doctor wasn't able to get a great veiw of her heart, so we'll be having another ultrasound at the next visit in 4 weeks. Darn.

NuMom2B Study Visit Two

2011-03-29T08:00:00.000-06:00

I wasn't as nervous for the second study visit as I was for the first. I know what was going to happen, and this study visit pretty much followed the last one. I think the reason I was nervous was because I was going to find out what we were having, boy or girl.

When I got there, I had to give my urine sample, and then do the vaginal swabs. No big deal. After that they took two vials of blood, and luckily I got the same nurse as last time, so I didn't have to reexplain my stupid veins!

After the blood work, they asked me a whole bunch of questions, some of which were repeats from my last visit. They asked about my racial background, my husbands racial background, and then the background of each of our biological parents. (Which quite honestly seemed silly to me, as if my background came from someplace other than my biological parents)

Then came the fun part: the ultrasound! They found the heartbeat quickly and measured that. Then they determined the baby had two hands and two feet, a head and other things. I'm not sure what all they were looking for or at, I just stared at the image of my baby on the screen. They kept saying things like "There's his hands" or "He's being so stubborn." I thought that was how they were going to tell me what my baby was, by referring to the baby with pronouns.

But then the tech moved down to the baby's bottom, and she said "It's definitely a girl!" and I was floored. A baby girl! So much for a mothers intuition!

After we found out what we were having, the tech used the ultrasound to measure the blood flow in both of my arteries that flow to the baby. She turned on the blood flow part of the ultrasound, and I could see the red and blue on the screen that showed my blood pumping. It was a really neat experience.

Then I had to have a vaginal ultrasound to measure the length of my cervix. They didn't tell me what it was, but they didn't look like I was in immediate danger either, so I was ok with that.

After all the ultrasounds were done, I was weighed, and had my blood pressure taken. Then I was asked more questions regarding how I handle stress and conflict. All in all, not an unpleasant hour.

I also got a dvd of the ultrasound, and a bunch of pictures to bring home.

Bubbles Big Reveal - Updated with Picture

2011-03-28T11:22:00.001-06:00

We had an 8am ultrasound appointment today. Yeah, 8am. I'm still yawning, but that could be because I was to excited to sleep last night.

Me and The Husband drove separately, and The Husband was late. Since it was a NuMom2B study visit, they did all the other fun stuff first. But I'll write another post about the visit so that I can get into more details. (on a side note, I can't tell you how many blog hits I'm receiving because I'm writing about this study!)

So we do all the other stuff, and then The Husband is there. And we start the ultrasound. It's not the in depth one where they measure everything, that one will be Wednesday. But they take all their measurements, listen to the heartbeat, and then ask if I want to know what we're having. Um yeah!!

And here's the fun part. My intuition was wrong. Intelligender was wrong. It's a girl!! Anna Beth. Anna after my mom's middle name, and Beth after my grandmother. I can't wait to meet her!

I'm still in shock. I've been using the wrong pronouns. I was so sure! The Husband is thrilled. He's been saying girl since the day we found out we were pregnant. I'm thrilled as well, but like I said, still in shock.

What a fun birthday it's been so far!
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I'm hoping to get better pictures at tomorrows ultrasound, but here's a profile picture of Anna.

New Page

2011-03-26T11:35:00.000-06:00

I've created a new page just for Bubbles stuff. Look up and you'll see where to click! So far I only have one belly shot, but more will be coming.

If I ever get brave enough to post a ticker, that's where it will be. I feel like I'm jinxing myself enough already by having a page for Bubbles. Yeah, I have issues.

Another Dad Update

2011-03-23T13:13:00.000-06:00

My dad had a few tests run last week because of his hospital stay earlier in the month. (For background on the story click here, here, and here.) He's doing better as far as the blood infection is concerned, but his blood pressure has spiked several times since he's been home (200 systolic over 115 diastolic) and the doctors couldn't figure out what was causing it.

He's had several tests done, and seemed to be very healthy. He's had brain scans, an echo cardiogram, chest x-rays, and lots and lots of blood work, and everything comes back normal. So the doctors decided to check his kidneys.

While they were checking his stomach area out, they noticed gallstones, a small hernia, and an aortic aneurysm. I'm not a doctor, but I recognize the danger words, and aneurysm is one of those. Which led me to Google. Basically, his aorta has a bulge in it. The doctor that reviewed his test results told him that they don't do usually worry or do emergency surgery until the bulge reaches a 6. My Dad's is at a 5.5. So this Friday he gets to go see a specialist. It's likely that he'll have to have surgery to repair the bulge. But we won't know for sure until the visit on Friday.

Honestly, I'm scared out of my mind. It's been a long journey for us to get to the point where we're pregnant. I've wanted so badly to be able to have my dad see his first grandchild, and having him in and out of the hospital makes me worry. I know he's not getting any younger; he's 70 for crying out loud. And yes, I realize I'm being fatalistic, and he's more then likely going to be ok. But I worry, and I cry.

I realize I've asked for more than my fair share of support already. But I'm asking for more. Please keep my Dad in your thoughts and prayers, again.

Just in Case you Didn't Realize I'm a Nerd

2011-03-14T15:48:00.000-06:00

Happy National Pi Day!

Go celebrate by doing some math, or eating a pie, or doing math while eating a pie. Be creative, and have fun!

Bubbles' Reveal Date

2011-03-08T16:01:00.000-07:00

We've got our appointment for Bubbles' big reveal. We'll actually, we've got two appointments!

The first is March 28 (which also happens to be my birthday!) for the next NuMom2B study visit. They told me that they would tell me then what I was having if I wanted to know.

The second is March 30 with my OBGYN. Yeah, two days apart. I tried scheduling them farther apart, and even tried to convince the NuMom2B study people that they wanted to do my ultrasound early. It didn't work.

I will be 19 weeks pregnant for the visits. (Holy crap, 19 weeks?!) I'm super excited to find out what we're having, and super nervous to about possibly finding out something is wrong with Bubbles. Mostly, I'm focusing on the excited.

I had my 16 week blood work done last Friday. I elected not to get the screening test for abnormalities done. The Husband and I decided that regardless of what the results said, we were keeping Bubbles. And the test was more of a "you could have this" rather then "you definitely have this". I was really torn about it before Friday, but I'm really comfortable with the decision I made. Any big problems will show up on the anatomy scan at the end of the month.

That's about all I have as far as updates go. But honestly, I don't mind being boring. It's relaxing.

A thank you to infertility

2011-03-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

I know. It seems strange. But I really did find a reason to appreciate infertility. No, this is not a post where I wax philosophical about my life changes and how IF made me a stronger person. I may be pregnant, but in my mind IF is still the devil, and still the hardest battle I've fought.

No, the reason I'm thanking IF is because it taught me that Dr. Google can give you lots of information. Not all of that information is welcome, and in fact most of it freaks you the hell out. Thanks to that knowledge, I didn't Google blood infection whilst my dad was in the hospital. I didn't want to know.

But you know what I did yesterday? Once I knew my dad was home and feeling better? Yep. I Googled the hell out of it. And after what I read, I was grateful to IF for giving me the sense to stay away from Dr. Google while my dad was in the hospital.

Because guess what Interwebs? Blood infections are big, scary, and sometimes deadly diseases. Yeah, I'm really glad I didn't know that earlier last week. And I'm really glad that the doctors all played it pretty close to the chest. No one at the hospital let on that we were facing such a scary thing. True, they seemed really concerned about dad, and there was someone in there visiting him at least twice an hour, but heck, I've never stayed in a hospital, and I figured it was normal. Why wouldn't the interns and doctors check up on my dad every thirty minutes? Why wouldn't they take his blood every two hours to run tests on it? Why wouldn't they do an echo cardiogram on his heart to make sure that there was no infection in there? (BTW, they didn't print out a picture of his heart. I was bummed. I figured we could put his ultrasound picture next to Bubbles')

Again, thanks to everyone for their support, prayers and positive thoughts. Dad is on the mend. And double thanks if any of you knew what blood infections could do and didn't tell me. Because I really didn't need to know until he was better.

Dad update

2011-03-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

Well, my dad is out of the hospital. They released him late last night. He's at home with orders to rest and take more antibiotics. He was so excited when they came in and told him he'd be going home, he started taking off his hospital gown right then. Made me smile. Being a hospital, it took them about half an hour before he was finally released.

Here's what we learned. The blood infection was "most likely" caused by the root canal. The doctors also say that it could have just been a coincidence, but I don't really buy that.

We also learned that although it doesn't happen often, sometimes when people get epi.nepherine with their dental work, that small amount can make it into the blood stream and cause panic attacks. The dentist has assured my family several times that its rare, and that we shouldn't worry that it will happen again. But, I'm all for my dad finding a new dentist. That's two strikes in my opinion, and I'd hate to see what would happen with a third strike.

Thanks everyone for all the thoughts and prayers.

Quick Update on my Dad

2011-03-01T15:54:00.000-07:00

They've discovered that he has an infection in his blood. They did some cultures and found bacteria, so they are treating him with a general antibiotic until they can figure out what kind of bacteria it is.

He will be in the hospital for at least one more night while they run more tests.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers!

Prayers - Updated

2011-02-28T15:37:00.001-07:00

My dad has just been rushed to the hospital. He was driving home and started feeling funny so he went straight to the doctors office. The doctor tried to help him feel better, but couldn't. She called an ambulance and he was taken to the closest ER.

They don't know what is making him ill. He had a root canal done this morning, and it may be related to that. They've done chest x-rays and ruled out pneumonia. It's looking like they are going to admit him.
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My dad is still in the hospital, but according to my mom is looking much better. They still aren't sure what caused everything but they are still thinking it relates back to the dental work.

At the dentist they gave him lido.caine and epi (which I've since found out is epi.nepherine). The doctors at the hospital think that it was the epi that caused him to feel anxious and shaky. They also have no idea why the dentist would give him epi for a root canal.

By the time he reached the family doctors office on his was home from the dentist, he was shaking so hard and was feeling so anxious he could barely drive. The family doctor immediately called my mom to come and take Dad to the hospital. Unfortunately she was half an hour away. While they were waiting for her to arrive, my dad got a fever that kept going higher. His blood pressure also started to rise pretty high. The doctor did what was best, and called an ambulance to take him to the nearest ER.

Mom got to the family doctors office as the ambulance was loading Dad up. She spent the rest of the afternoon with him at the ER. Then about 430 yesterday they decided to admit him to a different hospital, which meant another ambulance ride. I was finally able to visit with him at that hospital and stayed until visiting hours were over.

Dad is being treated by a group of interns that we've started calling Dr. House's helpers. They keep asking Dad questions about his health history, what drugs he's taking, what he's feeling, how he felt on his drive home, etc. Then they go out in the hallway and collaborate. Quite honestly, Dad is enjoying all of the attention. I feel pretty confident that this group of young doctors will figure out what is wrong with my dad. My only wish is that they would do it faster. I hate seeing my dad in a hospital bed.

Keep Dad in your thoughts and prayers. He's a strong man, but even the strongest need help.

Take that February Blahs!

2011-02-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

On my way into work this morning, I saw green plants poking up through the frozen ground. GREEN. And alive. And all at once, my February Blahs started to recede a little. I started feeling hopeful that winter won't last forever. I may have even spoken aloud to mother nature and told her "I don't care how much more snow you give us, I've seen the green, and I know spring is coming" Don't worry, I work downtown, and lots of interesting people talk to themselves, so I'm sure no one really noticed.

Seeing spring coming caused me to reflect on the past year. On where I was a year ago. And how things have changed since then. Last year I was so hopeful with the new green of spring. I took it as a sign that I would get my dream, and finally be pregnant. Last year I was just beginning on the medicated part of my journey, and having a plan made me so excited. Last year, I was scared to death to be hopeful; scared that my hope would turn to disappointment. And a few times, it did. Every time I felt down, every single time I gave up, I'd think of the spring flowers, and how even though they were buried under ice and snow for months, they pooled their strength and when the time was right, they grew. And they bloomed.

And now it's spring again. The sun is shining a bit longer every day. The plants are starting to shoot up out of the cold ground, and hope is in my heart again. It has been a long, sometimes difficult year, but I came through it. I came through it, and now I'm blooming.
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Through this whole post I kept thinking of something my Grandma (I miss her every day) said to me when I'd tell her how pretty her garden was. "It takes a lot of shit to grow healthy flowers" It did take a lot of shit to get a pretty garden; in the form of fertiliser of course. But also, when you think about it, in the time it took to plant, to weed, to care for the flowers. In the fact that you had to take a risk in planting them in the first place. Every seed you plant doesn't always turn into the prettiest flower.

My Grandma, she was a smart lady.

The post where I sum up two weeks worth of stuff into one blog

2011-02-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I really need to write more often. But I've been super lazy, and instead of coming home and updating you on my life, I've been going to bed. Some may claim pregnancy as an excuse, but I know better. It's pure laziness. I have been keeping up with all of you on your blogs, and sometimes I even crawl far enough out of my cave and comment.

I've decided its the February blahs. I'm feeling blah because winter isn't over, and although spring is close, it's not close enough to really start dreaming about it. I need to get outside and do stuff, plant things, walk the dog, bask in the sunshine (with sunscreen of course), and I can't do any of those things. Sigh.

That leaves me all sorts of time to wallow around inside freaking out with every twinge that something might be wrong with Bubbles. I've had a couple more episodes of spotting, but everything's ok. I even got to hear the heartbeat last week, which was awesome.

Anyway, in an attempt to fill you in on my life over the past two weeks, I'm going to be lazy (see?!) and use bullet points:

Valuable lesson learned: Don't take your prenatal vitamin on an empty stomach and then drive 30 minutes into work unless you want to pull over and puke on the freeway. Not pleasant, and pretty damn embarrassing.
Basketball games are much more fun if you are watching them at the arena. Even more fun when you manage to score tickets to sit in a suite, eat catered food, and watch your hubby drink free beer. They had free wine too. And at halftime they brought in ice cream, which was awesome. I'm pretty sure it will never happen again. But what a neat experience! (oh, and on a side note, my team lost, but it was still the best game I've ever been too!)
I found out that I may actually have a job until September! Which means, I should have a job until I deliver Bubbles. Should being the key word. I have to check in each month with accounting and see how much money they have left in my contract. Sigh.
And speaking of work, they are moving me and Dingbat to a new office. It's not any bigger, has equally crappy views, and yet I'm still excited. Yeah, I'm a dork.
I currently am nursing the cold from hell. Otherwise known as the cold that would be fought off by day.quil. Yes, I'm complaining about pregnancy. Well, not about pregnancy per se, but about the fact that I can't take some drug and make the sniffles go away.
Adding to the pregnancy thing, I'd like to put it out there that this is hard. There's the mental freak outs I have daily thinking I've done something wrong to Bubbles. There's all the stupid assvice I'm getting from well meaning people. Then there are the random freak outs in which I worry that Bubbles won't be cute, or smart, or funny. I know, I have issues.
Even with all that from the bullet point above, infertility was harder. Infertility is the toughest thing I've had to face, and though at this point I'm giving it the finger, I know that me and IF will do battle again, and that scares the shit out of me.

That about sums up the last couple of weeks. I know I missed stuff, and I promise I will post the award from the lovely Kakuna! It's just the lazy thing. And the February blahs.

Bad Blogger

2011-02-10T10:40:00.000-07:00

I have been a bad blogger this week. I know it, you know it. I've been sporadically leaving comments, but I don't think I'm doing that up to my full potential either.

There is much going on, and I have a blog award I need to post (thanks Kakuna!), but I just haven't had the whatever it is I need to write a real post this week.

However, I'm taking tomorrow off of work, calling it a mental health day, and hopefully will be back posting by the weekend.

Bear with me. I'll be back to normal soon. Well as normal as I've always been, which is to say, not normal.

I didn't get the job

2011-02-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

I just received word that I didn't get the job. And you know what? I'm not upset.

I'm relieved!

Why I need a new job

2011-02-04T09:29:00.000-07:00

As promised, the explanation for why I need a new job.

Currently I am a contract worker for the government. That means I work at the government, but get paid by someone else. It's a great way for the offices to keep costs down (ie, they don't have to give me all the benefits a regular government employee gets).

I really love what I do. I find my job fulfilling. The days where I dread going into work are few and far between. And I may complain about Dingbat, but honestly she's the sweetest lady (just has a couple of screws loose).

The problem is that in the last three years I've worked as a contractor, I've had four contract companies. Four different companies paying my wages and providing benefits. They've all been nice, but they don't seem to have staying power (I'm not sure that's their fault).

Come March I'm facing not having a job because my office won't be able to pay the newest contract company. They are hoping to find some money somewhere to keep me on, but I'm not holding my breath. With the economy the way it is, it's a wonder any government organization has money to run it's day to day business.

I've known about this since before Thanksgiving, and I've been job hunting since then. But as anyone who's looking for a job knows, there aren't that many openings, and there are a lot of people applying for what's available.

Job Interview

2011-02-01T09:06:00.000-07:00

I have a job interview tomorrow. For a job I applied for in October. Long before I got pregnant. But now I feel like I'm caught in the cross hairs. I know legally they can't discriminate against me because I'm pregnant. But I'm up against four other people, and I'm sure I'm the only one knocked up, so how hard would it be to not choose me?

Here's another twist to the problem. I'm interviewing for a job that will be in the same office I'm already in. However, since I'm a contract worker, it wouldn't simply be moving from one desk to another. It would mean switching companies.

Also, since I'm already in this office, I hear a lot of the rumors, and right now the man that would be my new supervisor has been complaining about a recent new hire who is pregnant with triplets. (Yes, she was on fertility meds) He tells anyone who will listen how unfair it was of her to take a job knowing she would be out of the office on maternity leave. He's especially mad because she didn't tell anyone she was pregnant while she was interviewing (legally you don't have to, btw)

So now, I'm trying to decide how to approach this. I'm not showing yet (just look chubbier), so I know it's not obvious I'm pregnant. However, some people at work know, and at least one of them is a blabber mouth, so I'm not sure how many people really know. Do I go in to the interview and be honest and upfront? Or do I wait until I hear back with a job offer? Or do I not say anything at all? Pretty soon it will become more obvious that I'm preggers, and I don't know how to deal with that situation while looking for a new job. (I promise I'll write another post letting y'all know why I'm job hunting)

Any advice?

Answers

2011-01-26T09:01:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday morning started out like any and every morning. Woke up and ~~ran~~ went to the bathroom. Didn't think anything was wrong until I wiped. And saw red blood. Red. Cue huge freak out.

I went back to the bedroom and stretched out next to my husband, who, smart man that he is, immediately figured out something was wrong. It could have been because I never get back into bed once I'm awake and getting ready for work. Or it could have been the sobs. You pick.

Called the after hours line at my doctors office. I just kept thinking of all of the blog ladies I've read who had bleeding and everything turned out ok. Finally got a call back. I told the doctor on call about the spotting and how far along we were, and he wanted us to come in for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was ok. He said that more than likely everything was fine, but that having me worry isn't worth it.

Then I wait for an appointment time. Did I mention that my doctor takes Thursdays off? So I'm laying at home, in bed, freaking out that something is wrong with Bubbles, and thinking that I'm going to have to meet another doctor. Anyway, as I'm laying there worrying myself to pieces I get a phone call. From my doctor. And he wants me to come in that afternoon for an ultrasound that he will perform. On his day off.

Cue the tears. I called my husband (he went to work because of a big project) and he agreed to meet me at the doctors office. Meanwhile, I've called work and told them I'm sick, and called my mother and told her the same thing. I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone else that Bubbles might be in trouble.

When we got to the doctors office, he was waiting for us and took us right down to the ultrasound machine. And then, after what seemed like forever, we saw a picture of Bubbles, looking fine and healthy! And next to Bubbles (and Bubbles living area) was a good sized dark patch. The doctor said it was probably blood, and to expect more spotting. He said it was probably what caused the spotting, and probably (yes, he said that word that many times) because of the placenta attaching to my uterine wall.

Here's the fun part though. He said that that patch of darkness is most likely what the ultrasound tech thought was the twin. I'm still not sure about the second yolk sac, and neither is my doctor. He has never seen any additional yolk sacs at any of my ultrasounds. Maybe it was just a weird glitch in the ultrasound machine at the study place? I'll probably (hehe) never know.

It's a week later, and I've had no more spotting. We've made it to 10 weeks and 4 days. It still seems very unreal to me. My fertile friends say that it started to hit home for them when they missed their second cycle. But I've gone months without a period, so missing two in a row doesn't seem like that big of a deal.

Things at Work

2011-01-19T16:29:00.000-07:00

So, today I decided to go out to eat for lunch. I work downtown, but I really wanted something out of the immediate area, so I drove to a yummy soup place (this is not the story, but back story, I promise!)

On my way back I had to get a little creative due to some closed streets. But, never fear, I made it to the street my office is on. All I had to do was make a right hand turn. Except there were pedestrians crossing the street. And that same corner houses the police station. So I figured I'd be nice (ie, law abiding) and let the pedestrians cross the street.

The guy behind me didn't see it that way. He got super pissed off, and starting honking his horn at me. I looked in my rear view mirror and he was making all sorts of fun hand gestures and mouthing words I probably don't want to know. So, being me, I decided, F him, and waited for the people to cross the street.

They finally cross (with a wave and a thank you to me) and I turn the corner. But idiot in the car behind me is really angry that I made him wait an extra 10 seconds (yes I timed it) so he turns wide to get in front of me and then cuts me off and slams on his brakes. WTF? OK, now I'm pissed. You just put my hard earned baby at risk. I may or may not have flipped him off. I plead the fifth.

Not only does he slam on his brakes, he then proceeds to drive really slowly, like 5mph slow to show me how cool he is. Whatever. I turn into the parking garage for work, and he turns into the parking lot next to it and just stares at me. Watches me park. Freaks me the hell out.

So, I sat in my car, and called my office. Luckily we have a security guard. A really big, tough, mean looking security guard. I called the receptionist, and she had the guard come out. I waited in my car for him to show up. By that time the idiot in the car had fled. Either way, I was grateful for the escort back into the building.

And then you know what happens? I start crying. At work. Shit. Everyone seemed to understand, but it's hard enough some days being a woman at work, but then add crying to that? Stupid pregnancy hormones!
--------------------------
And on another note, I have to tell you what Dingbat said to me this afternoon.

"Boy, I better not miss my family reunion because you have your baby"

Um, yeah, I'll work on that.

New Baby

2011-01-13T16:12:00.000-07:00

My SIL R had her baby today! I don't have pictures (I'm not sure if I could post them anyway). The baby and R are doing great. Baby was 6 pounds 11 ounces and 19 inches long.

We get to go see her tonight. I'm really excited. I'm not going to lie though, this would be a really hard day if Bubbles weren't with us.

As it is, I'm still nervous about going to the maternity ward at a hospital and seeing all the new moms with their babies. I wish there were a badge for infertiles. It wouldn't hurt so much if while walking by the nursery you saw the badge on the babies name plate, or on the mother's door.

At least that way I'd only have to be bitter about some of the babies, not all of them!

NuMom2b Study Visit One

2011-01-12T10:24:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to talk much about my participation in this study. However, I looked at my stats and found that there have been a lot of people that have found my blog by searching for the NuMom2b study. A quick search myself led me to the conclusion that there really isn't much information out there about this study. I'm hoping that by writing about it, it will give others more information and help them make the decision on whether or not to join.

So I went to my first study visit last night. They had already sent me a whole bunch of paperwork to fill out and bring in to my first visit. I had to fill out a consent form, a couple of authorizations for them to get my delivery records, a W-9 (because they are paying me $50), a questionnaire about my eating habits before I got pregnant (really long, reminded me of the SAT/ACT in high school), and a page asking me questions about my emotional state. It was a lot of paperwork!

So I got to the study, turned in my paperwork, and was taken back to an exam room. The first thing that happened was that I received my ultrasound. I got to see Bubbles again! And Bubbles now has arm and leg blobs! It was pretty awesome to see, and I got to hear the heartbeat.

After the ultrasound I had to provide samples of blood, urine and a swab up my hoo haa. Not to bad actually. After that I was supposed to have an internal exam (ie, with a speculum), but as I came out of the bathroom, I was cornered by three ladies who had concerned looks on their faces.

Why? Well because they thought they'd seen two yolk sacks on the ultrasound. I'm pretty sure my heart stopped. So I had to have an internal ultrasound to find out if there were twins, because if there were twins, I couldn't be in the study. But by having the internal ultrasound, it would mess up something about the internal exam, and they wouldn't be able to do it that night. I of course chose to have the internal ultrasound (hello, better pictures of Bubbles!).

So, as soon as the ultrasound starts, the tech says, see, two yolk sacs. I stopped breathing. Then she zooms in and gets a better look, and I'm not sure what she saw the other times, but there was just one baby. She checked around for about 5 minutes, but no other baby was found. I resumed breathing, and felt my heart go back to normal.

It's not that I wouldn't love twins, it was just such a shock! I immediately starting thinking of all the additional complications and costs, and how was I going to tell The Husband, etc.

Anywho, I have to go back Thursday for the internal exam. So I don't have any details on that yet. But I was sent home with more homework! I had to fill out forms about my sleep habits, my emotional state, The Husbands family background, my family background, and blood issues. It sure is interesting!

I'll post again when I know more about the internal exam. Meanwhile, I'll leave you with a picture of Bubbles with leg and arm blobs!

Introducing Baby Bubbles!

2011-01-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

Heartbeat!

2011-01-07T18:29:00.000-07:00

We saw a heartbeat today! What a beautiful sight!! The baby is growing right on track, and measured at 7 weeks 5 days. I have pictures, but can't find either the scanner or the camera to get them on here, but I will post them as soon as I can.

A heartbeat, can you imagine? This may actually be happening!

Baby Shower Help

2011-01-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

No, not mine (but please let us make it that far). The shower is for my SIL R. She asked me to volunteer for the games because my MIL, quite honestly, picks the dumbest games ever. MIL also MUST HAVE GAMES at her showers. And she gets out of sorts if no one plays them. Sigh.

So, in I step, and volunteer to take over the games. Because I'm selfless like that (haha). Ok, maybe its more like I hate going to the damn things, hate playing all the dumb games, hate watching preggers people open tiny gifts with tiny clothes and tiny toys. . . Yes, I know I'm preggers now. No, that doesn't take away my hatred for all things baby shower. So by doing the games, I thought I'd at least have control over one aspect of the ~~dreary~~ happy occasion.

So, rambling aside, I'm stuck. I need to have a couple of games to play to appease my MIL, but they need to not completely suck to appease everyone else. Oh, and if they didn't have to relate to how fabulous it is that R is pregnant and going to pop, that'd be great too.

Help!

PS any advice on how to get through these things without drinking would be great too!

Did you hear the one about pregnant women and vivid dreams?

2010-12-29T08:05:00.000-07:00

Cause I sure hadn't. At least until I googled it this morning. Why did I google it? Because I had one scary f-ed up dream last night.

In my dream I dreamt that I woke up, and there were a couple of silver dollar sized spiders on my covers looking at me. (FYI, I HATE spiders. Hate). It didn't feel like I was dreaming, it felt very real, and I felt very much like I had to get out of that bed and run away.

Which I did. But not in the dream. Nope, I got up and ran to the computer room, still in the throws of my nightmare and screamed at the husband to "Go kill those f-ing spiders!" Yeah, apparently I scared the shit out of him. Being the good husband he is, he went in and shook out all of the covers and told me that the bed was safe.

Which was about the time I woke up and realized how silly this whole thing was. I mean really? Big spiders are rare where we live to begin with, but in the winter time? They die. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

Don't be to proud of me for laughing at myself. I still watched the husband check out the bed before I got back into it. A girl can never be to safe.

NuMom2B Study - UPDATED

2010-12-28T14:43:00.001-07:00

Ok, I'm putting this out there interwebs, because I can't really make up my mind. I received an information pamphlet at my first prenatal visit about this study. The study is to help determine why many first time moms have complications. I looked through the brochure and saw one great plus, three free ultrasounds!

I sent off an email to the study leader asking for more information. I received an answer today. Basically they would have me go in for three extra visits and they would collect blood, urine and vaginal secretions (their words, not mine) and then do an ultrasound. Then at the time of delivery (please let us make it that far) they would collect a sample of the placenta and cord blood. They provide compensation up to $50, and they say there are no risks involved. The study would not directly benefit me, but it could help new moms in the future.

So what do you think? Part of me is thinking "Yes! Go for it! Help other women! Plus get to see the baby more often!" and the other part of me is thinking "Wait. Just because they say there are no risks, doesn't mean something bad won't happen. Do you dare risk the baby for $50?"

Gah! I'm so torn!
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OK, after reading the comments from Robin and Kakuna, I realized I'm probably way over-thinking this whole thing and responded back to the study coordinator. Now I guess we wait and see!

The Announcement, Part 2

2010-12-27T08:00:00.018-07:00

So after dealing with the bitch we went to the husbands grandmas house. On the drive up, I was really nervous about what his family was going to say. I worried that I'd encounter another version of my cousin, and I just knew I wasn't going to be able to handle that. Finally, I decided that I was going through with it. The husbands family deserved to know. And again, if something goes wrong, I want and need their support.

So we get to Grandma's house, and everyone starts unwrapping presents from Grandma, and watching her unwrap the ones we gave her. The husband gave his mom the package with her ornament in it when we got there, but told her not to open it until we said it was ok. Soon, all the presents were unwrapped, and we told my MIL to open her gift. She starts reading it "Cookies in the Oven. I don't get it" I told her to keep reading, and she reads "Due in August" and still has this totally confused look on her face. And then one of the cousins gets it, and looks at me, and I'll be damned if I'm not crying again. Then someone shouts "Amber's having a baby!!" and everyone starts screaming and running over and hugging me. And we're all crying and blubbering and making fools of ourselves. It was a truly special moment.

When everything starts to calm down, I told the ladies in the husbands family about what the cousin said. They were all justifiably shocked and outraged that she would say such a thing. I told them how I had gone upstairs and cried, and you know what the husbands Grandma said to me? (excuse me for a second while i wipe my eyes again)

She said, "If we were there, we would have cried with you" Wow. Just wow. Do I have awesome in laws or what?
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Ok, tears have dried. Almost. Ok, not really. But here's the third part of the story.

The husbands mom cannot keep a secret. AT ALL. Which is part of the reason we announced it at the husbands Grandma's house to begin with. We figured it would be easier on her if everyone found out at once.

Forgot she had friends.

She's posted a picture of the ornament we gave her on facebook. The congratulations are coming in and being posted on my wall. I give up. It sure is nice to know how many people out there are supporting us. But I feel like a fraud. I wanted to (and still will) make my own post describing how amazing a blessing being pregnant is, and how it took so long to get here, but it was worth the struggle and all that. I worry that other friends of mine that are struggling are feeling the pain of another announcement. But I'm just not ready to go that public. People can assume at this point, but until I see a heartbeat, I'm staying quiet on facebook.

The Announcement: The good and the bad

2010-12-26T16:23:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking that I'm going to have to break this up into a couple of posts. But first we'll start with the inevitable. By telling our families, we've now been outed on Facebook. Yeah. Wasn't ready for that. For the most part, everyones reactions have been great. Except my cousins, who shall now be known as family members that are on the shit list, or mother f-ers. Take your pick. I'll get to that part though.

First, my parents reaction. We went to their house yesterday morning to open presents. We hid my parents presents and waited until all the gifts were opened. They were getting ready to head up and make breakfast, and we told them that they both still had one present left. I also made them open them at the same time. Mom opened her ornament, and got really quiet. She looked at me, and I started crying and she just kept saying "really?" Dad opened his present which was a University of Utah onesie. Which he promptly put on his present pile and started to walk away. Mom said to him "Dad, don't you know what that is?" and he responded "Yeah, it's another outfit for the damn dog." Seriously, I almost died then. So then Mom shows him the ornament, and he gets this big ol smile on his face. It was awesome. Truly just as magical as I hoped it would be.

But once mom had that ornament, she didn't want to let it go. She started showing everyone. And I decided to relax, because it was family, and they love me.

Until the ~~cousin~~ bitch showed up. I'm having my moment of happiness, and you know what she says to me? "You shouldn't have told anyone. You're going to have a miscarriage." And walked away.

I know there are risks. I know that just being pregnant doesn't mean I'll have a baby in nine months. I know how many baby loss mommas are out there. But I was within the safety of my family, surrounded by people that I assumed loved me and would support me. For her to tell me that in such a callous way cut me to the core.

I ran upstairs and cried for about twenty minutes. I was heartbroken. I still am, quite honestly. And those little niggling doubts that have been in my head since seeing the positive? They have become huge screaming monsters. I don't want her to be right. I don't want to lose this baby. But if that happens, at least I know I have the love of most of my family to support me.

Wow, sorry for the long rant. I'm just really upset, and don't see myself getting over this anytime soon.

Anyway, I'll write another post soon telling you how we announced it to his family, and why we've been outed on facebook. It's been an interesting weekend.

Short and Sweet

2010-12-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

We had our first pregnancy ultrasound today. The baby is measuring at 5 weeks 4 days. We saw a flicker on the screen, but its not a confirmed heartbeat.

No pictures, as the quality wasn't that great. I have my next appointment January 7th. I'm hoping my mom can come with me to that one.

Wishing all of you a happy and safe Christmas weekend!

An interesting week.

2010-12-18T10:12:00.000-07:00

Well, Interwebs, I finally found a way to tell my mom. I found a really cute ornament to give her. It arrived yesterday, and it is so cute! It was a little more then I wanted to spend, especially after shipping, but it made me smile. I got my dad a University of Utah onesie, since he's a huge fan. I hope I am able to get them to open their presents at the same time.

In other news (ok, not really) did you know its really hard to keep a secret? I went out last night with my sister in laws R & J to get pedicures. R is pregnant and due in January (and after getting preggers denied that she had IF) and J is a baby loss momma. They quizzed me for a good twenty minutes on what I was doing to get knocked up. Asked how things were going, when would I have the results from the last cycle, why wasn't I changing doctors. Holy crap! I hope they aren't to mad that I lied through my teeth when they find out at Christmas.

And in non anything to do with fertility news, my toes are adorable! Well, as adorable as toes can get. I had a blast hanging out with the girls last night. It was a great break from everything. I love my SILs, even when they get on my nerves. But then, I guess that's what sisters do.

Hope y'all have a great weekend!

An update

2010-12-14T08:42:00.001-07:00

Well, I took another test this morning (a different kind) and the plus sign popped out before the control line did. Huh. I guess that means it worked, eh?

I'll be honest, aside from a few moments of absolute giddyness, I've been kind of numb. Ok, really numb. The only thing that keeps running through my head is "OMG, are we ready for this? What were we thinking? Parents? We can't be parents. . . "

The other thing that keeps going through my head is how to tell my parents. Since I'm an only kid, this will be their first grandbaby. (whoa, I just said grandbaby) I want to do something fun, and surprise them on Christmas. But that's as far as I've gotten. Ideas? I did buy my mom a digital picture frame for Christmas, so I was thinking I could use that somehow. HELP!

And most important, thank you thank you thank you for being happy for me. I'm going to have to let you guys be the happy ones for awhile. I'm still in shock. But it's so comforting to know that there is happiness out in the universe for my little one.
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I hope it goes without saying, but I'm paranoid. If you know me in real life, please don't say anything anywhere but on here! This is my (and the Interwebs) big secret for the moment.

Is it?

2010-12-13T18:42:00.001-07:00

Scared

2010-12-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

That's right. I'm scared. Want to know why? I'm scared because AF was due Saturday. Sunday at the latest. And she hasn't shown up. I've had cramps since last Wednesday. I keep running to the bathroom expecting to see AF, but nothing. No spotting, just cramps. And nausea. And sore boobs. And exhaustion.

I'm scared to test. Scared to hope that we might be pregnant. Scared to test and see a negative and slam into despair. I feel as though I'm walking a tightrope, and one wrong step will send me spiraling down, down, down into dark depression.

I just need to keep walking forward, keeping my eyes on the prize. I feel as though if I reach for the pregnancy test, I will fall off the rope, and I'm scared to take that risk. I want to go back to last month and tell myself that we should sit this cycle out. The potential for pain is to great. If you don't get the positive you've been waiting for, it will make Christmas unbearable.

I'm scared.

We interupt this blog to bring you a cycle update

2010-12-09T10:51:00.000-07:00

I came to the conclusion at lunch today that I haven't blogged about this cycle. . . Hmm (checking blog posts). . . apparently I haven't told you anything about my cycle for awhile. What kind of infertility blog is this anyway?

Today we are beginning week two of the dreaded two week wait. Do I feel positive about this cycle? Yes and no. We BD on time, but with the husbands SA results being inconclusive, that kind of throws a damper in the whole thing.

Wait, what do you mean I didn't tell you about the SA? I could have sworn I wouldn't have let something that big slip! I did? Well, here's the quick version. My doctor offers to do an in office analysis for free. FREE. Yes, it doesn't go into as many details as the professional ones, but we figured we'd take him up on it, because, FREE. The doc said the numbers looked good, but that the viscosity worried him. Dr. Google told me that if the fluid is too thick after a certain amount of time, it doesn't matter how many swimmers you have, they can't get free. So, we have a script for a new SA, at an andrology lab. Sigh. It will be $145, not covered by insurance (big surprise, eh?). $20 of that $145 is for the sample cup. I, obviously, am in the wrong business.

Let's add that to the fact that by switching to my husbands insurance, the drugs for the month jumped from $25 to $150. For ten little pills. Yes, I know I was spoiled before. I realize that having insurance cover any part of IF is a miracle. But really? Ouch! I cried at the beginning of this cycle, not because I wasn't pregnant, but because of the increase in medication cost! Ok, and maybe a little because I wasn't pregnant.

So there it is, my cycle in review. AF is scheduled to arrive Saturday or Sunday. I'm already having cramps, which is just annoying. I've got my money saved up for the next round of drugs, in case it didn't take this month. And, I figured out we'll be ovulating around Christmas next cycle. Wouldn't that be an awesome present?

Wordless Wednesday: My week in a picture

2010-12-08T08:00:00.002-07:00

The long awaited Snickerdoodle Recipe!!

2010-12-01T08:00:00.033-07:00

(Haha, take that Pillsbury! A good looking final product picture!!)

Magical Snickerdoodles

(I've written the recipe as I received it, the notes in parentheses are my own additions)

1/2 c butter, soft

1/2 c shortening

1 1/2 c white sugar

2 eggs

2 tsp vanilla

2 3/4 c flour

2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

snickerdoodle outside

2 tbsp white sugar

2 tsp ground cinnamon

First, preheat your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Then cream together butter, shortening, 1 1/2 c sugar, eggs and vanilla. Blend in flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.

Mix together 2 tbsp white sugar and 2 tsp ground cinnamon. Shape dough into 1 1/2 inch balls (no need to be precise, ish works.) Roll balls in cinnamon sugar mixture and place 2 in apart on ungreased baking sheets. (I wasn't this precise and they still worked out great!).

Bake only 8 minutes (seriously, just 8 minutes. They won't look done, but they are. Trust me). Remove immediately from baking sheet to baking racks to cool.

Once they've cooled (at least a little bit), enjoy!

Cool New (at least to me) Website

2010-11-30T13:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know about the rest of you, but I love to shop. Love. And I really love to shop online, and check out a lot of different stores before buying. I have been known to stalk items online waiting for them to go on sale so I can justify my purchase.

I check out several deal and freebie sites (which is a whole post in and of itself), and saw a link to a website called EBates. Ebates is a website that links to the websites that you shop on anyway, but then gives you cash back for shopping there. At some stores you only get 1-2% back, but some stores give you a lot more. Like the Span.x I bought today for $44. I'll get $3.30 back for using Ebates!

So seriously, check them out. And I'll be honest here and let you know that part of the reason I'm doing this is because I love you all, and part of the reason is that if you join and make a purchase through them by the end of December, we'll both get a $5 bonus! Five bucks people! That's a latte at Starbucks. Or a value meal at McDees. Or five ones to use at a male strip club. I don't judge.

And so it begins

2010-11-23T17:39:00.000-07:00

The biggest storm to hit Utah since 2001, at least according to predictions. And at this moment, I'm inclined to believe them. The storm hit about thirty minutes ago, and already my window in the computer room looks like this:

(ignore my reflection)

The weatherman made scary enough predictions that my office let us all leave two hours early. Which is pretty much unheard of. They love holding us captive, er, making sure we keep productive. Of course, since you already know that we were having Thanksgiving at work today, you've probably already guessed that we weren't being very productive. Oh, and guess who won the roll competition? Yep, I did! I rule! Ok, so maybe I was the only one who brought in homemade rolls, but whatever, I still win.

Anywho, me and the husband are hunkered in for the long haul. I've already told my boss that I won't be driving in tomorrow until the roads are clear, and the husband gets to work from home. Now if only I was ovulating. . . . hehe

And on that note, let me assure you that I will probably slap the first person who says "Boy, can't wait to see how many babies we get in 9 months"

ICLW and Roll Domination

2010-11-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

Happy ICLW everyone! Here's a quick recap of our TTC journey: I've been diagnosed with PCOS. We've done three clomid cycles, and I got three giant cysts on my last clomid cycle. We've started femera, and I seem to be doing better (no mood swings, no cysts taking over my body). The husband had an SA, and it was inconclusive, so we're going in for another on this week.
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I don't know about everyone else, but I'm kind of freaked out by the fact that it's almost December. That means it's almost Christmas, and that means I have to start on my shopping. I was really excited about the holidays this year due to the fact that I've been employed all year. That really helps when it comes time to buy everyone presents. But now I'm facing a dilemma. Members of our family haven't been as fortunate. I spoke with my SIL last night and she doesn't want the family to exchange gifts because they can't afford to buy presents. She feels bad that she can't get us anything. I respect that, I really do, but I'm not buying presents for people because I expect things back, I'm buying them presents because I love them. So what do I do?
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Every year in my office we have a Thanksgiving dinner. It's a pot luck thing, and its fabulous! One guy brings in a turkey and cooks it in a counter top oven, and another guy cooks mashed potatoes on a camp stove in our parking garage. Last year they had a Yam-Off, and several people brought in their yams to see whose were the best. This year they are having a "Rolls of Thunder" competition. And I'd just like to inform the Interwebs that I am going to dominate that competition! I spent the day baking rolls, and they are kick ass! Yeah, I'm a nerd, but I'm pretty excited.

Also, I made some to die for snicker doodle cookies today. I'll take a picture tomorrow and post the recipe. They are the best cookies I've ever made. Ever.

Had to post this, but it's very NSFW

2010-11-18T08:00:00.001-07:00

Stumbled across this video on YouTube.

Movember

It seriously gave me a case of the giggles. Yes, I have a different sense of humor, but I had to share, on the off chance that some of you ladies do as well.

Harry Potter

2010-11-16T13:29:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm one of them. I'm definitely more Team Harry than Team Edward, although I do love me a good vampire story. I've read all the books, and seen all of the movies. In fact, I've been trying to think up ways of convincing my husband to go and see the new Harry movie that comes out Friday. I mean, I knew we wouldn't get in on Friday, and that Saturday would be packed as well, but I figured Sunday was looking good.

And then, (OMG) my husband just called. His totally awesome company bought a whole bunch of tickets for their employees and spouses to see Harry! Free is so my favorite price, and I was doing a happy dance knowing we got to go see the movie eventually. But guess what, Interwebs? It's not eventually. It's Thursday night. THURSDAY! OMG we are going to a pre screening of Harry Potter, for FREE!

Yeah, I'm just going to go now. . . .off to a safe little corner of the house and dance like a crazy woman. Is it normal for a 28 year old woman to get this excited over a movie? If it isn't don't tell me. I'm loving my happiness!

So. . .

2010-11-10T19:23:00.000-07:00

A friendly piece of advice to you, Interwebs. You never know where your craptastic photography skills may end up. You may think that you are posting a recipe for a few loyal blog followers, and you know they won't mind if you take a shortcut and don't work on making the picture perfect. I mean, they read your writing, and they still come back, right?

Until one day, when you're kind of bored at work and you start to look at your blog stats. And you notice that you are getting some hits from Pillsbury. So you click back. And find out that WOW, you were listed as a Blogger of the Week! And then, you see you're craptastic picture in there with all of these beautiful ones.

Seriously?! I'm cursing myself that I didn't get a better picture of those delicious treats!

My only consolation? My recipe idea got posted despite the awful photos!

quick question

2010-10-29T12:23:00.003-06:00

We are going to a family halloween party tonight. I have two potential costumes, and I can't decide!

Witch or Pirate??

Ideas? Suggestions?

Also, I have ways to make the pirate costume family friendly.

Our Love Story

2010-10-25T13:30:00.000-06:00

Ok, before I get into the story, I want to ask forgiveness. You see, I was really bored at work a few months ago, and decided to write our story as a fairy tale. I was going to make it into one of those cute photo books and give it to my husband for our anniversary. But then I thought it might be to cheesy to give a man. I let him read the story, and he loved it. Who knows, I may make it for Christmas!

Anyway, here's our story. Please don't laugh to hard at my writing attempts!
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This story begins like any other

Once upon a time, in a land far far away. . . .

There lived a prince and a princess.

Both the prince and princess were loved greatly by their families, even during times of great mischief. They grew up, attended schooling, and after many years of hard work, the prince and princess were awarded degrees.

This however, is where the story changes.

The princess, who lived in the land of Sandy, grew restless. She desired to have her own kingdom and set about to meet her prince.

At the same time the prince, who lived in the land of Harrisville, decided to find his princess.

Both the prince and princess were good children, and loved to listen to their mothers. Both queens had heard of a magical sorcerer who could match the princes and princesses of the world using only a “wink”!

The prince and princess were skeptical, but decided to give it a try. The sorcerer was a busy man, who worked with many princes and princesses. The only way to contact him was through a magical picture screen.

The prince began working with the sorcerer, and sent out a few winks, hoping the sorcerer would turn them into magic.

The princess got a few winks, but none were magical, and the sorcerer claimed he had a few frogs in the system. The princess began to despair that there were only frogs, and no princes.

The princess talked to the sorcerer, determined to tell him to stop. The sorcerer would not give up however, and sent another wink, and this one was magic. A prince appeared in the magic picture screen; the prince was very handsome, and the princess had the sorcerer send one of his magical winks back to the prince.

After a long night, and a longer day, the prince and princess were able to talk using the magical picture screen. They decided to meet, in the land of Salt Lake City, at a drinking house that was highly recommended by one of the princesses friends.

On the day of the meeting the prince and princess were both very nervous. The princess arrived early and drove her carriage around the block a few times. She didn’t want to appear too anxious by being there first. The prince got lost in the mysterious roads of this new land, but finally the prince and princess met.

The drinking house held little promise; the drinks were not good! The prince and princess drank them anyway. There were so happy to finally be together. They finally decided to go shopping at a city market called The Gateway. They enjoyed looking in all the stalls, and marveling over the different things for sale.

The prince and princess decided to attend a magical play called Employee of the Month. But first, they needed to eat. They found a nice place to feast called Applebees, where they ate and talked. By then it was time to see the magical play, which the prince and princess both enjoyed.

The prince then walked the princess to her carriage, and for his bravery was awarded a kiss. The princess drove home thinking that this was a prince she could marry. The prince spent many minutes in the carriage parking lot looking for his carriage, impressed by his date with the princess.

The prince and princess spent a great deal of time together after their first meeting. They were able to meet each other’s families.

The prince and princess were both adventurous at heart and explored many different lands together including Wendover, Boise, The Great Salt Lake, Cove Fort, and both the Uinta and Topaz mountains.

Soon the prince and princess decided that they wanted to start their own kingdom. The prince gave the princess a beautiful ring, centered by a stone of the princesses own grandmothers.

The prince and princess planned a beautiful wedding. On the day of the wedding however, it was raining. But they would not be deterred. Many friends and family attended the wedding and the party afterward. The prince and princess felt loved by all who attended, and were grateful to the sorcerer who brought them together. To thank him (he was, of course, busy matching other prince and princesses and could not attend the wedding) they danced to the song “A Wink and a Smile”.

The prince and princess then went to the far off land of Las Vegas to celebrate their new life together.

And they continue to live happily ever after!

Cleaning house

2010-10-23T12:41:00.000-06:00

Ok, I knew I had a book problem. My husband is always telling me I have to many books, but I didn't beleive him. That is, until I started cleaning the house. And put all of my books in one place.

So, here's my question for the Interwebs: Anyone up for a book share? I'll mail books to you if you in turn mail books to me! Win win, right? It gives me new things to read, gets rid of the books that I haven't read in forever. Send me an email if your interested. lifechatsandrants at gmail dot com.

Away for the weekend

2010-10-15T17:17:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I know I promised a post about our wedding, and how we met and all that. But let's be honest here. . . .did you really think I was going to get to it before I left?

I'm off to Vegas! If you should happen to see me there, and I'm doing something stupid, then that wasn't me. And any photographic proof to the contrary must have been photo shopped.

Talk to you ladies on Monday when I get back!

Did ya miss me? (and a question)

2010-10-13T16:27:00.000-06:00

And quite honestly, if you didn't miss me, I don't want to know!

Here's the scoop on why I've been absent blogland for awhile. Wait, I don't actually have a good reason, so I'll give you a bunch of lame reasons instead.

Work. Work was really evil and busy and time consuming, and when I got home from work, I just wanted to jump into bed and fall asleep. Work also had Dingbat, so most night I came home incredibly frustrated and annoyed.

Dingbat. I've been meaning to blog about her again, and update you on her new level of annoyingness, but I was afraid that if I blogged during the heat of the moment, I'd say something I *might* regret later. Might. Probably not. Anyway, here are Dingbat updates, in no particular order.

Dingbat update #1 - Dingbat gave me a long lesson yesterday on why the Second Coming is going to happen SOON. Her proof? Cancer and gay people. I don't know if the news story about Latter Day Saint Apostle Boyd Packer has made it national or not, but it's blown up huge here in Utah. And Dingbat was using his talk about gays as proof that the world we live in is deteriorating. Luckily, I let Dingbat live, because although I don't believe in a lot of the things organized religion talks about, I know that other people do, and I'm not going to change their believes anymore than they will change mine.
Oh, and cancer. Yeah, she says that is the incurable disease that bodes "the end of time but not eternity". Actual quote, btw. She said "I used to think it was AIDS, but you don't hear about that anymore, so they must have found a cure." Yeah.
I've decided Dingbat has a hearing problem. Either that, or she has no shame. She has been walking around and farting for the past week. Loud ones. And she doesn't seem fazed by it in the least.
And to tie in the farts to something else. . . .I got back from lunch a few weeks ago and Dingbat wasn't here. In fact she didn't come back until I'd been back from lunch for two hours. I welcomed her back when she arrived and tried to go back to work. But no, she had to tell me where she'd been. Which was at home. Changing her clothes. Because she (and I'm going to quote her again here) "had explosive diarrhea that got all over her pants and shirt" and she'd had to go home and change and shower to come back to work. I sent a quiet text to my husband to tell him what she told me, and he responded "don't sit in her chair" Love my hubby!

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Another reason for not writing? I went to a party. A pirate party. And everyone had to dress up like pirates or pay the consequences. The party is an annual tradition for one of our friends. He does it every year for his birthday, and every year it gets bigger and more fun. I even went and got one of those ~~slutty~~ grown up pirate costumes for the party. It was a great party! I'll post pictures when I get them on my computer.
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I've got even more reasons. Like getting ready to celebrate my anniversary in Las Vegas! Today is our three year anniversary! I can't begin to imagine what we've been through in three years, and everything that's changed in our life since we met four years ago. But that is a post in and of itself, and I'll try to write it before we leave.
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Finally, I've got a question for you (and if you've read this far, bravo you!)

I took my last provera pill on September 24. I got some spotting on September 29, and AF showed up big time on October 5th. Honestly, this is my worst period ever. Or at least since the one I had in middle school that lasted 3 whole months. It's not going away. It has slowed down, and it sometimes looks like its stopping, but I've had 8 days of bleeding now, not counting the spotting, and I'm really sick of it. Our anniversary trip? At least we'll be in Vegas so we can keep ourselves entertained in other ways!

So here's the question. Has anyone else who used provera to start a cycle had a heavy period afterwards? My doc said it's normal, but well, I wanted to hear it from someone else too.

Versatile Blogger Award

2010-10-04T15:33:00.000-06:00

Wow, Interwebs, I got an award! Samantha at And Baby Will Make 3! gave me the Versatile Blogger Award. Samantha is my light of hope. She also has the nastiness that is PCOS, and yet, she is pregnant! Not only pregnant, but at 27 weeks! She's such a happy person, and always leaves the sweetest comments on my posts. She really has made a huge difference in my life from her support. This IF journey may suck, but at least I'm not traveling the road by myself anymore! Thanks Samantha, for the award, and more importantly, all your support!

The Rules of the Award:

Thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award
Share seven things about yourself
Pass along the award to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous, and let them know they got the award

Seven Things About Me:

I am an only child, but I have three half sisters. The reason I still call myself an only? The three sisters don't really talk to me because they hate our father. Which is crap, because my dad is awesome! It really bugged me as a kid, but I'm getting more used to it as I get older. Their loss, right?
I am a bibliophile. No, its not as dirty as it sounds. I love books. I love the way they can transform an otherwise uneventful car ride into a magical place. I love the way books feel, and love the smell of bookstores and libraries. Yeah, I'm a nerd, but I'm a happy one!
And speaking of the nerd thing, I might as well confess now that I play computer games. My favorite one right now is Civilizations V, which came out a couple of weeks ago. It's a turn based game where you control your civilization from beginning (huts and villages) to end (glorious victory and world domination!).
Another nerd thing: I was in the FBLA in high school. Not only in FBLA, but I was actually in the presidency my senior year. I went to state competition every year, and placed in the top five each time.
I am hugely competitive. This makes me a sore loser. Friendly game of cards? I will ruthlessly try to take you down. If I lose, don't expect me to forget either. I'll remember and get you back when you least expect it!
I create little animals out of oven bake clay. It's really soothing to me to take a block of something, and create something cute out of it. They aren't masterpieces by any means, but I love doing it. It's also fun to break out the clay when friends bring over their kids. It instantly turns me into the cool one because I'll sit on the floor and create with them.
Along with number 6, I might as well confess that I prefer being around kids to most adults. They have such a beautiful easy take on life that makes me smile. I may not be able to be around newborns, or pregnant friends, but once the kids hit the age of two and up, they are my best friends. I regularly have neighbor kids come up to my house to see if I can play, or just to tell me about their days at school. I keep a freezer stocked with popsicles for them as well.

Now for my 7 nominations! I'm sure I'm going to be giving the award to some people who've already recieved it, but tough cookies!

Robin at Looking for My Keys
Marla at Marla's Austin Chronicles
Jenny at Among the Blossoms
Stickles McQueen at Overcoming Obstickles
Lauren at Lauren Vs. The World
Kakunaa at Spermination Station
Toni at The fertility-challenged black sheep

Survival

2010-10-01T08:00:00.031-06:00

Did you know October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month? Maybe you do, maybe you don't. I'm guessing however, that you know a domestic violence victim. You might now know for sure, but maybe you suspect something. maybe you have a friend who used to be so outgoing, but now says she prefers to stay home. She may have stopped wearing her "cute" clothes in favor of jeans and long tees. She might flinch at loud sounds, or jump when surprised. Does she have new habits, like making sure the house is clean by obsessively checking that everything is in it's correct place? I bet she also defends the abuser and tells you that "You don't understand. He loves me"

I can also promise you that her self esteem has nose dived. She is convinced no one will ever lover her as much as the abuser does. In face, she feels she's lucky he tolerates her. She doesn't even feel worthy of the "love" he gives, and has no hope of finding love again someplace else.

There are times when you'll see her come to her senses, and threaten to leave him. She might even follow through. Don't be shocked when she goes back. After the high of standing up for herself wears off, she'll fall back into believing she's worthless, and "Besides," she'll say, "he's changed."

How do I know all this? I'm sure you've guessed, but I know because that was my life, my world for almost four years.

Don't give up on the friends you see this happening to. They need your friendship now more then ever before. It was my friendships that finally convinced me that I was worth enough to not have to stay with him. Even then, once I left for the final time, I NEVER thought I'd find someone else to love me.

I'm still not healed fully from the effects he had on me. I still startle easy, I hate when people sneak up behind me. there are still times when I feel that I don't deserve my husbands love. I fear that one day he'll find out he married the wrong woman and I'll be without love again.

But you know what? I am healing. I am strong. I survived.

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If this sounds like anything you are going through, think hard. Has it really changed? Has he?

Help is available.

Aack! Work

2010-09-28T15:16:00.000-06:00

Wow, Interwebs! It's been a very busy week for me! I've been trying to keep up with ICLW, but not doing as well as I'd hoped!

It's all Work's fault. You see Work has been making me get up at 6am every day. Then Work makes me skip lunch because I have no time. You'd think that Work would be satisfied by disrupting those two, well, sacred things. But no. Work then doesn't let me get home until around 630 or 7 at night. And even then, Work doesn't leave me alone. Nope, Work has been following me home every night. Sometimes Work keeps me up talking to people until 9pm. And when I try to sleep? Work has been invading my dreams.

Expect to see a slightly diminished presence from me until I get Work under control. In fact, I have to run. Work found me on my blog, and it's now destroying my desk!

Attention Deficit, Oooh, Sparkly!

2010-09-24T08:00:00.001-06:00

I love, love, love jewelry. Especially bracelets. And I loved the idea of using crystals to help center my focus and help with infertility. And I found both in fellow blogger Jenny's Etsy site, Bloomtastic. Go check it out. Seriously, right now, I'll wait.

Back? Aren't they amazing, and beautiful? Don't you love how the stones are not just pretty but have meanings behind them? I got this one, but added a special charm to it to make it mine.

Isn't it beautiful? I got it in the mail tonight, and I put it on right away. It feels like it belongs on my wrist, which sounds weird to say, but its the truth. This bracelet is already a part of me.

The charm was my own, and one that I've had for many years. I got it at a time in my life where I was scraping bottom emotionally (I've actually written a post about this, but it's not going to be posted until October 1st. There's a reason for that, and I hope you come back and read it!). I wore it on a necklace every day to help me believe in myself. One day, I didn't feel like I needed it anymore, and I put it away in my jewelry chest and forgot about it.

Then IF hit, and I started to doubt myself again. I started sinking back into my depression. I started believing things that had been said to me long ago; things that I thought I'd overcome.

And then I saw Jenny's bracelets. And as I was looking through the pictures, I felt like I needed one, but I needed it to be mine. And all of a sudden, I thought of that charm. The one that helped me so much before. Jenny added it to the bracelet, and now my charm has come back to me. Back to remind me that I have to believe in myself.

Thank you Jenny.

Good thing I asked for questions. . .

2010-09-23T19:58:00.000-06:00

Because I am once again brain dead tonight! However, something interesting did happen today, so I've got to tell you about that, and then I'll start answering questions!

I had to park on the street this morning for work, and I didn't do that swell of a job (I hugely dislike parallel parking). A big work van parked in front of me, and due to my lame parking skills, the front of the van was in front of a driveway. I didn't want to be the reason for the van to get hit, so I got out of my car, talked to the guy driving, and then moved my car a bit so he could back up and get the van out of harms way.

He ended up walking the same way as me, and even going into the same building. So we talked a bit about really dumb things, and then parted. And I honestly didn't think about it again. Just a random occurrence right?

Wrong! I got out to my car, and he's left his business card on my window. I thought at first it was just an add, but no, when I flipped it over, he'd written "Text me!" I didn't/haven't. Seriously, did I just get hit on?
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Kristin's Questions:
1. What is your college degree in?
Sociology with an emphasis in criminology. It was actually my fourth major. I started in elementary education, moved to English, had a another move to business, and then finally to sociology. I really loved it as a major in school, as a major in the real world? Not so much!
2. When you dream about experiencing the world, where do you dream about being?
Ooh, good question! Honestly, I'm so happy right where I'm at right now. Well, I'd be happier with a little non furry child running around, but wouldn't all of us IFers say that? I'm really happy with my job; I love being able to help people. I love our little house, and I love the town we live in. The only thing that could make me happier would be to have more girlfriends I could randomly hang out with.
3. How long have you been crocheting and what is your favorite type of yarn to use?
Funny story. I started crocheting in college because I wanted to make my mom something special for Christmas without spending a lot of money. I got her to teach me a few stitches, and then hid the project from her, and worked on it between classes. She got mad at me for "wasting her time" by not using the skills she taught me. Boy was she red in the face at Christmas! I've been crocheting for about 9 years now, and I love it! I would love to use the really soft, expensive yarns more, but they get pricey for afghans. Mostly I use the kind called "I Love this Yarn" from Hobby Lobby.
4. If you could do any job in the world, what would it be?
Author. Hands down! I love telling stories, inventing characters, and places. If not author, maybe book critic. Getting paid to read. . . how cool would that be?!
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Ok, I will get to the rest of the questions tomorrow! I'm totally head nodding as I write this and I don't want to skimp on answers. I am so happy that you guys all asked questions though! This is fun!

Happy ICLW day 2!

2010-09-22T20:15:00.001-06:00

Yeah, I kinda felt bad for not posting as much as I used to (Thanks Samantha, hehe) and figured I'd post something again tonight.

But honestly? I've got nothing. No great ideas, no moving social commentary, not even a bomb scare to write about.

My head? It's pretty much empty right now. Work was hectic and stressful, and I loved every minute of it, but it left me absolutely brain dead tonight.

I thought about finding a cute, funny, or something else picture to post, but that sounded like a lot of effort. So, I'm giving you, yes you, dear Interwebs an assignment. I'm assuming I'm going to be equally brain dead tomorrow night, so I'm asking you to ask me questions. Give me something to blog about!

ICLW by bullet point!

2010-09-21T18:43:00.000-06:00

I am so excited for ICLW again! It's been such a great way for me to connect to new people!

If you are a regular follower, you know how much I heart bullet point lists. Seriously, I would make every post have bullet points if I could. But, I figure that takes away from the specialness of the little square box (or circle, or funny symbol. See how versatile the bullet point is?)

We have been TTC for 15 months. I took clomid for three months, and ended up with a ginormous pair of cysts, and the nickname "Bubbles". We took a break month, and then started femara. Didn't ovulate, so I'm now on provera, and will try a higher dose of femera on my next cycle.
I am the proud fur parent of a shih tsu named Moo and a cat named Mister. They make coming home at night after a tough day wonderful.
I've been married to my hubby for almost three years. Our anniversary is October 13!
For our anniversary trip this year, we are going to Tahoe. I am so excited! We wanted to go there on our honeymoon, but it was recovering from a forest fire. We ended up going to Vegas. And yes, we do seem to go to places where we can gamble for milestones.
As a totally unrelated to my introduction side note, it's really hard to get to work when the bomb squad blocks the roads to blow up a suspicious briefcase that ended up holding a sandwich and a video tape. Yeah, the day went downhill from there. But really, is there any way for a day to improve after a bomb scare?
And on a side note to my side note, I'm totally glad it wasn't a bomb. I really do appreciate the fact that there are people out there to keep us safe.
Also, I'm typing this all on my hubby's laptop. Because he is playing Civ V, a nerdy computer game and I can't use my computer because his friend is over here playing as well. And you know what really bugs me? Today is the first day to play this game, and I don't get to play.

Well, I think that's enough for one bullet list. I mean, there should be limits to them, right? Because otherwise I would have no self control. . . .

2010-09-10T11:23:00.000-06:00

I get to come to work on Monday! Feel free to do a happy dance with me!

I don't know who I'm going to work for, how much I'm going to make, or if I'll have benefits. But (and this is an important 'but') it's better than unemployment!

Happy dance! Big Smiles! Now off to text message everyone and let them know!

The results are in

2010-09-09T21:27:00.000-06:00

And I didn't ovulate this month. The nurse said my progesterone levels were below 0.5, so yeah. Not a lot of hope there. I'm expecting a phone call tomorrow from the doctor to discuss what's next. Sigh.

But in a positive way, I think my not ovulating did something good. I got a phone call from my mom tonight asking about the blood test results. I told her that I hadn't ovulated and explained what the numbers meant. And then she says to me (and you have to understand I'm not mad at her for this) "Huh, there is something to this then. You really don't ovulate on your own." She didn't go so far as to take back her claim that relaxing will help me, but it's a start!

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In other news, it's down to the wire with my job. My contract ends tomorrow (well, honestly it ends Sunday, which is really dumb when you work M-F). They thought they had something in the works to renew my contract, but it fell through this week. Now they are scrambling to get something in place to pay me until a new contract can be made.

I'll let you in on a secret: being a contract worker has definite downsides.

This week has been, well, interesting at work. I've been cleaning up my desk, finishing projects that are due in the next couple of months, and I even had a "goodbye for now" lunch with my girlfriends. I'll be thrilled if I'm still at work next Monday, but it will be strange to not have looming projects, a clean desk, and a "hooray, I'm back even though I never left" lunch.

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Also, I have put my camping pictures on my computer, and I promise I will upload them. Maybe even tomorrow!

Seven Little Stones

2010-09-08T19:43:00.000-06:00

I heard an amazing song today.

It made me think about who and what has been holding me up during this IF battle. And my first thought was of my blogger friends and how much blogging has helped me.

So thank you ladies. Thank you for helping hold me up, and for helping me to smile through the dark moments. Thank you for your humor and your hugs. I don't know where I'd be without them.

FML version 2

2010-09-07T14:06:00.000-06:00

So, while we were camping the topic of my infertility came up (I'm very open with my family and friends about our struggles. The only thing I hide is my blog). I was telling them about the femara, and the lack of icky side effects and all that. And I casually mentioned to my SIL R, that next time they want to get pregnant again, she should ask for it instead. As a refresher, R is the one who got pregnant after her first month on clomid.

And then I had a serious WTF moment with her. Because she doesn't believe it was the clomid that got her pregnant. And it wasn't the metformin the doctor put her on either. Nope, even though they tried on their own for two years with no luck, and the first time they get help they got pregnant, it wasn't the drugs.

Know what it was? She relaxed. FML.

Camping. . . again

2010-09-03T09:21:00.000-06:00

Well, interwebs, I'm off for another camping trip. Hopefully this one turns out better than the last one. Last time we only spent one night, and then had to go home due to a huge rainstorm.

This time, I'm heading to Boulder, Utah. It's a lot of fun, and southern Utah is so beautiful! If you ever get the opportunity to see southern Utah interwebs, take it. I grew up around it, and it still stuns me by how different and starkly beautiful it is. I'll take lots of pictures, as always, and hopefully actually post a few!

I'm a few days into my 2ww. I go into the doctors office next Tuesday for a blood draw to see if I ovulated. I'm not entirely sure this time, but the opks said I did.

Also, a question for anyone who has taken femara. I have the sorest bbs right now. Like, wishing I could wear a bra to bed sore. Is that normal for that drug? Or am I just special?

I hope you all have a fabulous Labor Day weekend!

I need a new pharmacy

2010-08-29T17:55:00.000-06:00

Remember this? The annoying time I had at the pharmacy last week trying to get my femara?

Fast forward to today, when I finally look through my pile of mail (come on, you know you've done that too), and see a letter from the pharmacy. My first thought it "Oh no! My insurance must not have paid them for something and they are sending me a bill. Crap."

And then I open it. And it's not a bill. It's a letter telling me that they saw that I've been prescribed femara. And that they are here to help me with my breast cancer journey. And that even though I have breast cancer, they know I will overcome it and live a long healthy life.

Apparently 5 femara pills can cure breast cancer. Who knew?

A quote

2010-08-26T12:12:00.002-06:00

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity
--Seneca

Wow.

2010-08-20T19:11:00.000-06:00

I just got back from the pharmacy. Went to pick up my femara and metformin. Had to explain to the pharmacy tech why I was taking femara.

Me: I'm taking that pill so I can get pregnant.
Idiot: But it's meant for breast cancer.
Me: Yeah, but I'm not taking it for that. I'm taking it to induce (hopefully) ovulation so I can get pregnant.
Idiot: Blank Look
Me: See, some of us can't get pregnant so easily. And we have to use other methods to help us. . .
Idiot: But on your list of prescriptions, it says you are taking birth control pills.
Me: Yeah, I took those last month to shrink some ginormous cysts that I grew from taking the last fertility drug.
Idiot: But won't they counteract each other?
Me: I'm not taking the bc pills anymore.
Idiot: Well I'm going to have to have the pharmacist ok this before I can give them to you.

Seriously? JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN DRUGS. Holy hell, I'm pms-ing anyway, and now angry that I have to explain infertility to some fresh faced 19 year old, and now you tell me I have to talk to the pharmacist??!?

Pharmacist: Tell me yourself why you are taking these drugs. The tech said it was for fertility treatment?
Me: Yeah, the clomid didn't work and so the doctor moved me to femara.
Pharmacist: Why would he put you on birth control pills if you are trying to get pregnant?
Me: (seriously angry now, but trying to stay polite) He put me on bc pills to help shrink a giant ovarian cyst that grew from the clomid.
Pharmacist: Well I guess since the same doctor prescribed both drugs, he knows what he is doing. But we'll have to see next month. You'll have to go in for a follow up visit to your doctor before we can give you more.

I had to sign the thing saying I accepted his counseling (like he knows more than my doctor about infertility?) and they finally handed over the drugs.

And as I type this all out, I'm struck by the thought that I was on bc pills in January when that same pharmacy gave me my clomid.

Hell. This is all so damn frustrating!

One Month Follow Up Visit

2010-08-19T18:50:00.000-06:00

I went back to the doctor today for my follow up appointment to check on the cysts. And I'm happy to report they've shrunk. I still have a few cysts on each ovary, but the biggest one now is an inch. He said my ovaries looked "classic poly cystic." And I've got to admit, I was proud of the little suckers for at least doing something textbook.

I'm off of clom.id and on to femara. Crossing my fingers that this will do the trick. I also talked to the doctor about other parts of the PCOS diagnosis and what to do to take care of myself. Since I've been diagnosed I've lost 26 pounds, which is awesome, but still not enough. So I'm going to continue to eat healthy, and exercise and hopefully drop some more weight. The doctors also put me on metformin. I'm a little nervous of the side effects, but hope the good outweighs the bad.

In other news, it's looking more and more likely that I will get to keep my job! Of course, since my contract doesn't end until September 12th (a Sunday by the way, which makes no sense to me as I work M-F) I don't expect to hear anything concrete until September 10th. But as you are sending positive thoughts out there for other people, send a small one out to the universe for me. Life would be so much easier if I get to keep my job!

My mom has started physical therapy for her arm, and is hating every minute of it. For once I get to sound like the parent when I tell her "It's for your own good. One day you'll look back on this and be grateful." Yeah, I'm totally practicing my mom skills.

Life has been pretty quiet otherwise at our house. We've been catching up on yard work and house work, and really enjoying our break month.

Anger

2010-08-05T10:16:00.000-06:00

I am so angry right now. People are so stupid, callous, idiotic and cruel.

I just spoke with one of the girls I work with. A guy in her department told her that he is disowning his brother because he is gay. I guess the brother finally got the courage to come out to his family. The guy here at work says he doesn't want his brother to have contact with his son, because "he might change him"

Ok, that pissed me off, but people are entitled to their own opinions. I can ~~mostly~~ respect that. Here's where I get really mad. The guy here at work then told the girl I work with about his brother, because his brother is a teacher at her child's school. He wanted her to know, because he wouldn't want his child to be "around that."

It's one thing to silently disapprove of what a family member does (for the record I see nothing wrong with this guy's brother) but when you go out of your way to make life hard for that family member? That really angers me.

Menu Monday: Key Lime Tartlets

2010-08-02T20:27:00.001-06:00

Marla has started a most yummy weekly thing. It's called Menu Monday, and I'm finally organized enough this week to contribute!

So, my Menu Monday are these fabulously delicious Key Lime Tartlets. They are so delicious, and came about because I was feeling creative (read tipsy) while making sugar cookies last Friday.

Ingredients:
Sugar Cookie Dough (I used Pillsbury dough this time, because I'm lazy!)
Key Lime Pie Filling (I used the store brand)
Cool Whip, or Homemade Whip Cream (Yeah, I was lazy with the other ingredients so that I had the energy to make the home made whip cream. OMG, its the best!)
Mini Muffin/Cupcake Pan

So, step one: Roll out the cookie dough and cut out circles, like so

Then place the cookies inside the cupcake tin, like so

When you fill up the pan, bake them for 10-12 minutes in a 350 degree oven. When they come out of the oven, they are going to be puffy. Take a wooden spoon and tap down the centers to create a spot for your filling.

Now let the cookies cool down in the pan. This will help them keep the shape.

While you're letting them cool, you can make the homemade whip cream. I promise it's super easy, and tastes so much better than cool whip!

To make the homemade whipped cream you need whipping cream (the smallest container), sugar, and either a hand mixer or a really strong arm. Poor the whipping cream into a bowl, add two to three tablespoons of sugar, and mix until it resembles, well, cool whip. Yes, this may seem like a step you don't need to take, but its so much yummier!

Ok, so now you have your cool whip and your pie filling and your tart shells. You just need to put them all together. For this step I use my fancy Pampered Chef tool, but a spoon works just as well. First take the tart shells and put them in a cake pan (trust me on this, they are harder to get into the cake pan after they are filled) Then add the key lime filling. (I forgot to take a picture of that step, so use your imagination)

Then, put on the whipped cream topping!

Huh, looks like I forgot to take a picture of the finished product as well. And since all the Key Lime Tartlets went to work with the hubby, and are now gone, I'll give you a picture of him smiling because I made him goodies!

Ok, not the biggest smile. And more of a "get that thing out of my face" look. But, isn't he adorable?

Slumber Party

2010-07-31T12:20:00.000-06:00

Oh, Interwebs, if you all lived closer I'd be inviting you to my house this afternoon!

I'm having a "Slumber Party", you know, those sex toy parties? I had one last year, and I'll let you in on a little secret. I actually became a distributor for a few months. Turns out I hate selling things, even things that sell themselves. But I love their products (not just the sex toys, geez, they have lotions and stuff too you know!)

So this afternoon my Slumber Mom Tracy is coming to do another party. I'm really excited! I love having girl time, and getting to laugh. And I really need the laughter.

Also, I have a post for either tomorrow or Monday. It will go up as soon as I figure out how to use those poll thingies.

Friends

2010-07-30T08:07:00.000-06:00

I got a text message from Dingbat last night. Around midnight. She told me that they had found her best friend dead. And that she was sad.

I replied this morning that I was sorry to hear that, and that she was in my thoughts.

And then it hit me, Interwebs. Dingbat considers me her friend. There is no other reason to send a text message to someone at midnight. When a person feels down, they reach out to their friends for comfort. And she reached out to me.

I'm sitting here at work, kind of shell shocked. I want to do something for Dingbat, but I'm unsure what that something is. Flowers? A card? A yummy, not healthy treat?

Huh. . . Guess I did do that

2010-07-27T19:26:00.001-06:00

Hrmm . . I looked at the calendar today and it said it was the 27th. That cannot possibly be right. I mean, there is no way that I would go 7 days into ICLW without an introduction post, right??

Looks like I did! I guess it was all the drama of finding out I can produce things that show up on ultrasounds, just not babies (yet). And can I just say that all of your support has been freaking amazing! Getting some form of encouragement every day, is awesome. I can't begin to tell you all how much it meant, and means, to me. But, I'm sure most of you understand what I'm trying (and not succeeding) at saying.

So let's see. A quick bit of info on me can be found here or here. But I've never really documented my whole TTC journey (and what an appropriate word journey is!). Someday, I may even put it up on a sidebar. But that requires effort, and I'm just not feeling it at the moment!

Me and the hubs got married in 2007. We decided that we wanted kids, but not right away, so I stayed on bc pills (yeah, the irony kills me). And the hubs was so paranoid about becoming a father when he wasn't "ready" that we used condoms as well. Yeah. . . to be so blissfully ignorant again!

Last June, I went off bc pills, and we stopped using condoms. But we weren't really "trying". I wasn't charting, I wasn't using OPKs and in fact wasn't having many cycles either.

Found a good doctor in January, and he started me on The Plan. Three months of bc pills to straighten things out, then three months of clomid to get me pregnant (yeah, this is the cliff notes version). We all know what happened with The Plan. It ended up causing me to have two giant (and one sorta giant) cysts. Crap.

So now I'm starting on a new plan. Back on bc pills for a month to shrink (please God) the cysts. Then have another visit with "ET's finger" (my hubbys friend called it that, and I just about died). If the cysts have shrunk we move to a new plan. If they haven't, surgery.

Of course, there's always the elusive option of getting pregnant this month because I'm "relaxing" and "not thinking about it", right?

--------------------------------------------------

And guess what interwebs? I got blog awards! OMG, OMG, OMG! I'll post them later!

Just a short post

2010-07-24T11:55:00.000-06:00

So, I've got a new nickname thanks to my mom, and my husband. Bubbles. Yeah, my Mom thought it up, and I mistakenly told my husband, and now its sticking. I always wanted a nickname, but I guess I didn't realize that most nicknames are chosen for you rather than by you!

Everything is going ok for me right now. Still some dull pain that can spike when I bend wrong, or when the cat or dog land on my stomach. Otherwise I'm feeling ok. I'm debating going in to another doctor for a second opinion as everything I read on Dr. Google says if a cyst is over 5 cm it will need to be removed surgically. I don't want to have surgery, but if I need it, I'd rather get it over with.

So, I'll leave you with two questions. First, do you have any nicknames that you love and/or hate? And second, what do you think about the second opinion doctor thing?

The ultrasound photo

2010-07-22T20:24:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I could have added it to the last post, but I'm tired, and in pain, and grouchy.

This is the picture of the cyst inside the cyst. This is the 10cm cyst.

This is also a picture of a picture, so the quality isn't that great. My scanner doesn't work with my computer anymore because (geek stuff ahead) its a 32-bit program and my computer now uses a 64-bit. (you know what the best part of that sentence is? I understand none of it, but I smile and nod as my hubby says it!)

Update on my Update

2010-07-22T19:05:00.000-06:00

Well holy hell.

Got to the doctor this afternoon, and after talking to me we head to the ultrasound room. I got my first experience with a vaginal ultrasound, and I didn't feel as violated as I thought I would.

But that's probably because of what we saw. Two cysts. One on each ovary. Huge cysts. One is 10cm and the other is 8cm. Holy. Hell. Wait, actually its three. One of the cysts has a cyst inside it. Yeah.

I brought home one of the ultrasound pictures because, holy hell, who would believe this without pictures? I'm working on getting it scanned in so I can upload it.

Anywho, that explains all the problems I've been having. It explains the pain, and the using the bathroom a lot. The damn cysts are pushing against my bladder and my uterus. Oh, and it didn't look like anybody was in the later. My mom is still holding out hope, but for me its gone.

The doctor was floored when he saw the size of the cysts. Especially since I was just in there in May for my annual exam. So then he gave me another "hands on" exam (for lack of a better term) and he still could barely feel them, and that's because he knew what he was looking for this time. They are a lot higher than they should be.

By the time I got dressed and met the doctor back in his office, he was googling large cysts from clomid. That's right interwebs, my doctor googles! He says these are the biggest cysts he's ever seen, and that kinda scares me as he's been an obgyn for 20+ years.

So, we're obviously taking some time off from TTC. I'm going back on birth control as soon as AF shows up, and I go back into the doctor in a month to see if they've shrunk. If they haven't, I get to have surgery.

Had to share!

2010-07-22T10:51:00.000-06:00

Ok, I'm not supposed to log on here while at work, but I couldn't resist posting this!

My doctors appointment is at 2:30 this afternoon, Mountain Time. I'm kind of nervous to find out what's going on in there, but I hope that they can tell me whats going on.

Update

2010-07-21T18:09:00.000-06:00

So. . .

It's been a long trying day. It started this morning at 6am when I woke up in such excruciating pain that I made my husband take me to the hospital. Well, the hospital parking lot. By the time we got there the pain was starting to lessen. We waited in the parking lot for 20 minutes and the pain kept going down, so I decided to head home. By 8am the pain was back to manageable again, and I called in a left a message with my OBGYNs nurse.

Now, if you've followed my blog you know I have problems with this nurse. She doesn't check her messages regularly, and then she usually ends up calling me back and telling me nothing of value. I left the message at 8, and didn't get a call back from the obgyn until 4:30 this afternoon. You'd think if someone called and left a message complaining of severe abdominal pain, you'd call em back faster. Sigh.

The phone call:

The doc called me as I was leaving work. He told me that the beta was negative. I get to go in to the doctor tomorrow for an ultrasound to see if they can figure out what is causing all this pain. He's worried that my ovaries might have over stiumlated. Yeah, not really excited for tomorrow.

Get this though. He said to me "Just because this is negative doesn't mean you might not be pregnant. It could just be to early for it to show on a blood test" Nice try doc, but I'm on to you!

And I'm going to use today's disappointment as another barrier to keep Hope in her closet. Any ideas on how to find the french fry in this situation?

Hope, or "Who let that b**** out of the closet?"

2010-07-20T20:27:00.000-06:00

For all things holy, those of you battling IF know how painful hope can be. I try to keep my hope locked in a closet, and barricaded by all of my insecurities and disappointments. Usually this works quite well. Until yesterday (cue the dramatic music)

Yesterday I went in to see my OBGYN because I KNEW I had a bladder infection. I had pain, you know, down there, and I feel like I have to go, and then nada. Seemed pretty classic UTI stuff to me. So I go in, and wait for an hour because some preggers gal had an emergency. Sigh.

Then themostfabulousdoctor comes in and sits down to talk to me. And he sighs, and says "You don't have a bladder infection. There is some bacteria in your sample (and on a side note, thanks to IF I now pee in a cup like a pro!) but not enough to warrant the pain you are feeling" And then he has me describe the pain, which is all over my lower abdomen, kind of like cramps, or what cramps would feel like if they carried switchblades and had attitudes. I mean to tell you the pain woke me up out of a dead sleep!

And then he smiles and says "I think you might be pregnant" OMGWTFBBQ. . . what? And he asks about other things "Do your breasts hurt" check "Are you feeling nauseated?" double check. Of course, I still know better than him right? After all I know all about IPS (imaginary pregnancy symptoms).

Then he takes the last step towards that hope closet, and swings open the door by saying "I've had quite a few women in your situation, dealing with infertility, and I've had them come in complaining of the same pain. Then a few weeks later we find out they are pregnant."

Holy mother of all that's holy (yeah, its redundant, deal with it) he went and did it. He let that b**** of hope out of her closet. And she's been nagging me all day.

Seriously, someone needs to take themostfabulousdoctor aside and let him know that it isn't cool to give me hope.

He took blood. I'll have results soon.

Catch Up

2010-07-19T13:38:00.000-06:00

Ok, so here's yet another post where I play catch up with my followers! I really never intend to go this long between blog entries, but then something happens. . . And then I feel guilty about not writing, and so I put it off for a couple more days (because no one wants to read my guilt). And pretty soon its been forever since I wrote anything!

So here, in bullet form (I heart bulleted lists!) is what has been going on in my corner of the interwebs:

I'm about 90% certain that I get to keep my job. My pending unemployment has been something I chose not to blog about, because, honestly, one depressing topic is enough for a blog! I was told last year that come September 12th of this year, I would be laid off. Now it's looking like funding has been approved, but nothing is official yet. It would mean another year of employment, and another year of insurance!
My mom has accepted a job offer. She has been unemployed for almost 8 months. She starts at her new job in a couple of weeks. The company she is going to work for even said they would work around her broken arm until it heals. Pretty darn exciting!
And speaking of my mom's broken arm, she had an x-ray again last week, and it showed where there is new bone growing. She still has 4 more weeks in the sling, but she says it's feeling better every day.
We had a big family pool party at my in laws a couple weekends ago. That's where the picture of Moo in a life vest came from. My father in law can be a bit of an ass, and last year threw Moo into their pool several times. Now, most dogs might sink a little from the throw, but then would swim out. Not Moo. Once water goes over his head, he figures he's done for and sinks. I got sick of jumping in and saving him, and bought the life vest. Best $20 I've ever spent! My FIL threw Moo into the pool again this year, but Moo floated to the top, and thanks to the handy dandy handle on the back of his life vest, I didn't even have to get in the water to get him out!
Me and the husband are still working away at making the hot tub use able. We've got it up on the platform, and wired. But now it appears the pump isn't working. Sigh.

I think that's about it. Nothing really exciting going on. We've been really laid back and relaxed this month (I hate the word relax). We've been enjoying spending time with family, spending time in our yard, and killing new monsters on our computer games. What, not everyone does that?

Just wanted to share. . .

2010-07-16T15:28:00.000-06:00

. . .Moo in a life vest, isn't he precious!

I know the photo quality isn't great (it was after all taken on a phone). I had to share it though. This picture makes me smile every time I see it.

I promise a longer post soon. I have no reason, other than laziness, for my lack of posting.

F*** my Life

2010-07-02T10:11:00.000-06:00

Last night I stopped at the pharmacy to get a refill on my thyroid meds. I got cut off by a lady who figured she was more important. This lady then proceeds to yell at the pharmacy staff and pharmacist because the "Plan B" meds she got this time were not the same as the ones she got before.

First, why the hell is she fertile? Not fair.

Second, she's taken the medicine enough to be able to complain that it looks different?

At least I wasn't there to get my clomid. I might have jumped her then.