NuMom2B Study Visit 3

I am a bad blogger.  I had my third NuMom2B visit  on May 3rd.  And I haven't blogged about it yet.  Time to remedy that!

The third and final visit was quite fun.  I had to do all the regular things like give samples of blood, urine, and vag swabs.  They had me do a separate swab this time, but didn't tell me what it was for.  I should have asked.

Then came the fun part: the ultrasound!  I invited my parents to be there for this ultrasound, because the machine at the hospital is so much better than the one at my doctors office!  The ultrasound was fun; I don't think I'll ever get tired of seeing my miracle on the screen.  They measured baby girl because they said the measurements given to them by my doctor weren't of great quality.  I didn't mind, it was more screen time.

Then they switched on the 3D/4D imaging.  And it was amazing.  My baby girl turned from a profile shot into a real baby.  I know she was real before, but this was truly fun to see.  But I'll be honest, and say it was also a little creepy.  If the scan went "down" to far, there were suddenly giant holes in her face and head; body parts would disappear and reappear.  Also, it doesn't matter how great the quality is, baby girl still didn't look quite human.

I then answered a whole bunch of questions for the study.  All of them repeats from the previous two sessions.  They questioned me about diseases I've had; my and my husbands family history; my exercise regimen, etc. Then a quick jump on the scale and blood pressure check and I was free to go.

They also gave me a dvd of the ultrasound (which I haven't watched) and a whole bunch more pictures (which I have oohed and ahhed over several times).  They also gave me a paper that I'm to present to the admitting nurse when I deliver, as the study wants to get samples of the placenta.

After going through all of the crap to get pregnant, this study has provided me a much needed reassurance that everything is going well with this pregnancy.  I'm very glad I signed up to do it.

I failed

The one hour glucose test, that is.  I just got a call from my doctors nurse, and I have to go in next week to take the three hour test.  I'm pretty disappointed honestly.  I figured I wasn't going to pass, but there was that hope that everything would be ok.  There are just way to many things working against me for me not to have gestational diabetes.  But we'll see.  No official diagnosis until the three hour test is back.

Wish me luck!

It never goes away

So here I sit.  Happy and 27 weeks pregnant.  (Holy shit, 27 is a lot of weeks!)  And IF is never far from my mind.  I may have won a battle against PCOS and IF, but I know many who are still out on the front lines fighting the war.

IF came back and smacked me today.  I received a bill for a test done last September; a progesterone test.  And I noticed in the bill that the insurance hadn't paid any of it.  And I couldn't figure out why.  So I called the place that billed me, and was told the insurance wouldn't pay because it was related to infertility.  I know, I know, I should have seen that one coming.  But I felt so blindsided.

I was so frustrated, so angry, that I said to the woman on the other end of the line "I know it's not your fault, but that really pisses me off.  It's like they keep finding ways to screw you over!"  And you know what the nice lady said to me?  She told me, "I know.  I've been there.  I've fought your battles.  And it is hard, and they do screw you over."

Well that caught me off guard.  I told her that I was pregnant, and due in August, and she genuinely sounded happy for me.  I asked her if she'd made it through the battle, and she got quiet, and in a voice that I can only describe as pure happiness, she said "Yes".

This quick conversation really got me thinking.  IF never goes away.  Even if I choose to only have this one child, IF will always be there.  If I choose to fight again for another child, I'll be facing the battles again.  But just because I've won this battle, it doesn't mean that IF is no longer there.  There will always be people fighting in the front lines.  I just hope I can support them like they supported me.

Mother's Day

Warning: Rant below.  The rant does deal with pregnancy, but also with life, so if you don't feel like reading, I understand.

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  My first Mother's Day with a baby.  Yes, she's still an inside baby, but she's mine.  I looked back at last Mother's Day.  The day I tested and got yet another BFN.  And cried.  And ate a whole tub of ice cream.  My heart aches for the me of last year.  My heart aches for all the other women who don't have their dream baby yet.  It was a surreal day where a part of me was happy to be where I'm at, and another part of me wanted so much to pull each and every woman who is still struggling across the chasm to be with me.  It doesn't feel 100% right to be here when others aren't. 

Saturday night I make a point of reminding The Husband, yet again how important Sunday is for me.  I even spell it out: "I want you to acknowledge the day with a gift.  Doesn't have to be big, but something"  That's a good hint for a guy right?  When I tell him this, his friend is sitting next to him (they were getting ready to play computer games) and the friend looks at me and says "You're not even a Mother.  Not really"

Friend almost got kicked upside the head.  And so did The Husband when he responds to Friend "Yeah, I know.  I've tried logic with her, and she never listens"  The Husband and Friend proceed to laugh, while I'm still standing there.  Oh, such anger.  I told them to have a great night (laced with sarcasm) and went to my room (yes, at that point The Husband wasn't going to get to sleep in there) and shut the door.  And promptly burst into tears.

I forget sometimes how men can be so utterly clueless.  I sat on my bed and cried until my throat was raw and my eyes were puffy.  I cried because I didn't understand how he could make such a callous comment when he had watched my, our, struggles to get pregnant up close.  I cried because I didn't understand how he could take the side of Friend when I'm The Wife.  He didn't marry Friend, he married me.  I cried because I felt that he didn't feel that Anna was worth enough to celebrate. 

I cried and cried, and must have been not as quiet as I thought I was, because The Husband came into my room.  And asked me why I was crying.  And then got upset with me when I told him why.  Men.  He said that neither he nor Friend had meant to make me upset.  That it was a joke.  Harmless.  I told The Husband that it was a shitty joke, and completely fucked up.  I stopped crying.  But didn't really forgive either of them.

Woke up Sunday morning to a present and a card.  Not sure when The Husband went shopping but I suspect it was after TearFest 2011.  He got me a card and signed Anna's name, and both of the fur kids.  And in the card he wrote how happy he was to become a Dad.  And I forgave him a little more.  And then the present was a new purse, which I love.  Especially knowing that he thinks my love of purses is a waste of money.  And I forgave him a little more. 

He's now allowed back in our bedroom.  At least for the time being.

It's been too long since I last posted.  And I have no real good reason for not posting.  On the surface, my life these past two weeks has been perfect.  My dad is out of the hospital, and has been release to return to work.  My husband received a promotion at work and now gets to do what he's wanted to do forever, computer programming.  I'm still liking my job, and loving the fact that congress passed a budget so I get to keep working.

And I know what you're thinking: Amber, you're pregnant, you've got it all!  Just shut up already.

And I would tend to agree with you.  Which is why this week has been so hard.  I have no reason to explain the depression I've been battling this week.  It's been a struggle to get up each morning, and a battle to not retreat directly to bed when I get home from work.  I've been fighting the blahs tooth and nail this week, and even then not winning.  And then on top of feeling depressed, I've felt guilty for feeling depressed.  Issues?  Yep, I have em.

Two things changed my outlook this week.  The first was a lovely package from Genevieve with some beautiful butterfly photo stands that are going to look so amazing in the baby's room.  How she managed to send them at a time when I needed something beautiful is beyond me, but I'm so very grateful!

The second was being able to see my little Anna on an ultrasound.  During the last ultrasound the doctors office couldn't get a clear picture of her heart, and so we had to have another one done yesterday.  And there she was, moving around, looking healthy and right on track.  And I realized that she was the reason I've been fighting to get up in the morning, and the reason I'm not hiding in my bed at night.  I fought for two years to get to this place, and I'll keep fighting to keep my head above water.

Hopefully I'm back from the black hole of this past week.  I've been dealing with depression for more than a decade, and I'd like to say that I won't fall back into that hole.  But at least I know I can always climb back out.

Just a quick update.  My dad's surgery went well.  The doctor even told us that he had a fantastic anatomy and that the surgery was textbook.  Great things to hear when they are messing around with the aorta in your dad's body.

He was in ICU for about 12 hours after the surgery so they could monitor him closely.  Then he was moved to a regular room for another day or so.  He was released this morning, and is now home resting.  I'll be taking part of tomorrow off from work to give my mom a break and some well deserved time to her self.

It's been a long interesting week, but it's ending well, and that's what matters.

Good and Bad

Things have been hectic here for the past week or so.  Hence the lack of blogging.  I would just get a post written, only to have the very thing I was writing about change.  The week has been full of good things and bad things, and for the most part those things have resolved themselves.

As you know, I'm a government employee (contractor) and that meant that I was facing furlough.  Never has the news coming out of Washington DC interested me as much as it has in the last month.  When someone else's decisions can affect your financial future, it makes for interesting watching.  They of course passed a temporary resolution late Friday night, and are working on writing the new budget for the year into law.  I'll be honest, part of me is relieved that I am working today, and part of me is a little bummed not to have gotten a day or two off.

Then there's my dad.  He's scheduled for surgery to repair his aortic aneurysm tomorrow.  I'm really nervous about this, and didn't really want to write that last sentence.  Somehow telling all of you what he's facing makes it seem more real.  So I've been avoiding putting it into words and making it concrete.  But it is what it is.  We find out this evening what time he'll be wheeled into surgery tomorrow.  After the surgery is performed he'll be in the ICU for a time to make sure all his vitals stay where they should be.  I really don't want to see my dad in ICU.  It was hard enough seeing him in the hospital the beginning of March.  As always, prayers and positives thoughts are welcome.

And finally, to end this post on a positive note, we started on the nursery this weekend!  I've picked out a bed set, and we painted the walls.  The Husband is not so sure about the color I picked, but I'm happy with it.  When I get home I'll post a picture so you can check it out.  It was a fun weekend.  My parents came up to help with the painting, and I really enjoyed getting to spend some time with them.