Thinking Time

I wrote this post Tuesday when I was sitting in court:

How much do you know about fingerprint analysis?  After today I know a lot more than I ever thought I would, more than I will ever need to know.  I'm sitting here in court, waiting for cross examination of this witness to be over, so I can get the next witness.  And until I can get the next witness, I don't have anything to do.

As always, given the time to think, my brain jumps to my IF.  I don't have a diagnosis of IF (infertility) from the doctor.  Not one in writing at least.  And I haven't been trying tor the requisite year.  It's only been 10 months.  10 months and 4 cycles.  Which is why I went into the doctor in January.  And why the doctor gave me a hypothesized diagnosis of PCOS, and helped to set The Plan into motion.

I'm halfway done with the first part of The Plan.  I'm halfway through my second month of birth control.  If everything goes perfectly, on what I feel is our first "real" try, we could have a baby by this time next year.

Part of me is so hopeful.  The other part of me has already given up.  In the back of my mind I'm already trying to figure out how to pay for an IUI, IVF, or adoption.  I'm trying to figure out how far I will go before I stop.

Why do I do this to myself?  Am I trying to prepare myself for heartache?  Am I just sabotaging any happiness I have?

I truly feel alone in this process.  My sister in law, R, is going through this, and that helps.  But I feel my husband doesn't understand how I feel, and that my mother can't comprehend why I focus on this.  Other people with blogs have such great support.  I don't feel I belong there.  I have no official diagnosis of IF.  I haven't been trying a whole year.  As far as we know, the only problem we have with trying to conceive is me, and my lack of ovulation, potentially from PCOS.

So where does that leave me?

I love my job, I love my job, I love my job. . . .

Things that are bugging the shit out of me RIGHT NOW:

• Stupidity.  BCC means blind carbon copy.  Blind means that the recipients of your email can't see the list of people it was sent to.  No, you do not need to test it by sending me something BCC.  Again.  I'm pretty sure that the people who invented BCC knew what they were doing.
• Getting mad at me for doing my job.  Yes, it used to be your job, but you fucked it up, so they gave it to me.  I didn't ask for it, but I am going to make sure I'm better at it.  That's just the person I am.
• Telling me how hard your job is now.  No, it isn't.  It used to be my job, and I did it just fine.  You've been here 10 years longer than I have.  You did this before I got here.  Suck it up and be grateful you have a job in this economy.
• Telling me how it isn't fair for you to "only" make $40k. Bite me.
• Just because we share an office does NOT make us BFFs.  I do NOT want to hear about your bodily functions, or for that matter hear your bodily functions.  There are things that I will never get out of my head now, thanks to you. 
• When you tell me about these bodily functions I may look interested, but that's because I'm a nice person on the outside.  On the inside, I'm taking notes and trying to remember as much as I can so I can tell my husband when I get home.  We laugh about you, A LOT.
• I realize that most people in this office don't see our department as one of the important ones.  I'm usually ok with that, as it means management doesn't bother us as much.  But when we ask for help, it's because we need it, not because we are lazy.  Please don't ignore us.

Ok, I feel better now.  And, honestly, I'll try to post something positive next.  I really will.  I just had to unload all of my frustration today.

The Ouch Factor - A Rant

Life is funny.  I can go days without thinking about how I can't have a baby on my own without medical intervention.  And then in one night, I get hit with many different reminders of how I am different.  Thank God for my sister in law R., who is going through the same thing.  I was able to talk to her tonight, and it helped.  A lot.

Tonight was a bridal shower for a cousin of my hubbys.  She is getting married in two weeks, and is so happy.  And I'm happy for her.  I show up at the shower, and its full of her friends, and soon to be in laws.  And kids.  Lot of kids.  And I'm looking around, and none of the moms look over the age of 20.  Seriously, they all look 12.  That's probably my ripe old age of 27 talking, but they looked so young.  And I thought, they all look so happy.

I made an offhand comment to my other sister in law, J. (the one with a child) about how young the moms all look.  She responds "Does that make you hurt?"  Wow, really?  Um, here, can you push the knife in a little deeper, I think you missed my heart.  I'm sure in her mind she was being nice, and trying to be supportive.  Sometimes people don't realize that what they say hurts.

Fast forward to present opening time.  And the cousin, who is all of 19 by the way, opens a card from a friend.  And inside this card is a coupon: "One Free Night of Babysitting"  Because we all know that's how it works right?  Find the man of your dreams, get engaged, get married in the temple (utah mormon reference), and have plenty of babies.  That knife that missed my heart before?  I'm pretty sure I'm hemorrhaging now.

My sister in law R. catches my eye from across the room, and we share a pained look.  And somehow, that makes it feel a little better, makes me feel a little less alone.  Because I want that for my cousin.  I want everything to work perfectly for her.  I don't want her to feel what I feel.

After the quick shot of confidence, another cousin asks me about me and my hubby's lack of children.  And I refuse to make my inability to have kids be a secret.  So I tell her about what we are going through, give her a synopsis of "The Plan."  She seems impressed by what we are going through, and seems to be nice about it, and then WHAM.  She says "Sometimes I wish I hadn't been able to have kids.  They can be so hard."

What. The. Hell.  Really?  That's so comforting.  I mean, I guess I should be grateful that I don't have those kids yet.  I would hate to go through something hard.

I know she didn't mean it that way.  I know she was trying to make an uncomfortable subject easier to be around.  I understand, and I still love her.  But.Ouch.

I talked with R. after the shower.  And I honestly wish she wasn't going through this too, but God, its great to have someone to talk with about this.  We're both still positive, and trying to be upbeat.

I talked with my hubby about what happened tonight, and he was so great.  He said "I'm sorry my family was out to get you tonight."  He didn't try to justify what they said, just hugged me and was right there on my side.

I will get through this.