Religion

Yep, I'm delving into the taboo of religion.  This post is not meant to offend anyone, but rather to share my thoughts on religion, and maybe open up a dialogue between others.  And in all fairness, I should tell you that this post was brought upon by my recent reading of the book Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

I believe that every person has their own individual journey to find God.  And I'm not sure that using the word God does justice to the many different paths that are out there.  God, Allah, Bhagwan, El, etc. are all valid ways of talking to the higher being of our universe.  I use the word God, because it is what I am most comfortable with.  God, to me, denotes power, love, charity, and kindness. 

Anyway, back to the journey aspect.  I believe that each person has a special way of connecting with God; their own journey.  In simplest terms, it's akin to driving somewhere.  You have a starting spot and a destination.  In between those constants, there are many different roads you can take to get there.  It doesn't really matter if you drive to Nevada from Utah by way of Kansas, because the final destination is the same.

This is what I've come to equate religion too.  Some people need a more structured path to find God, and some people do better without turn-by-turn navigation.  Does that make the end result any less spectacular?  In my mind, no.

Do I think any one religion is better than the others?  No.  Do I think that one religion might be a better fit for an individual than another?  Definitely.  And right now, I'm trying to find a religion that fits me and my life better than how I was raised.

I am a "retired" Mormon (Latter Day Saint), and though I hold nothing against the members of that church and their belief system, I don't feel like it's a good fit for my life at the moment.  I say "retired" because in this great state of mine (Utah) religion is a definite driving force. "Are you a member?" is a question I field regularly. (On a side note, this question has always made me laugh.  Utah Mormons are so sure that everyone knows what they are talking about, they don't ask the more specific question "Are you a member of the LDS faith?")  "Retired" is the easiest way I've found of letting people know I don't hate their religion while still stating that I don't feel I belong there anymore.

So world, what do you think?  How do you view religion?

New addiction

Actually, I have two new addictions (and neither one is Facebook!).  The first addiction is stumble.  It's so much fun, and pretty much the best time waster I've found.  I spend at least a half hour on it every night. 

The second new addiction came about because of the first.  I was stumbling around a few nights ago, and I found this : funny farm.  It's a word association game, and it's been driving me crazy.  I am way to competitive to have found this game.  I must know what all of the little brown boxes have in them. 

It starts out with a box labeled "on the farm" and lines radiating out of it.  You type words that you think relate to the clue, and if you are right, the empty brown box turns green with your word.  And then, more lines and boxes appear.  It's hugely addicting, and I know I won't be able to stop until I find every last word.

Go ahead, try it.  And if you figure out what the Pink Panther and a fox have in common, please let me know!

Plan of Action

Remember the last post? The one where I whined about not getting knocked up? Well I went to a new OBGYN today, and now I have a plan of action. And being as I am a planner, this makes me very happy. Granted, it's not a guarantee that I will get pregnant, but it's a step in the right direction.

Why did I go to a new OBGYN? Because the last guy I went to was an ASS. I went in to see him after not having a period for almost 3 months (and when you're trying to get pregnant, that's not a good thing) and he told me that there was nothing he could do for me until we've been trying for a year. I understand that they don't like to diagnose infertility until a patient has been trying for a year. What bugged me is that he wouldn't look for a cause as to why my period had been MIA for three months. He mumbled something about PCOS, but said he didn't want to do anything until this May. Oh, and he told me I was fat. Didn't really win me over.

So I walked in to this appointment fully expecting the worst. That the doctor would take one look at me and pronounce me to fat to procreate, and then kick me out of his office. Didn't happen. He was so nice! And so was his staff! Can I be in love with a doctor's office? Because I think I am. . . Sorry Honey

I sat down with themostfabulousdoctor, and we discussed my history. And we made a plan. First part of the plan involves blood tests (ouch) to check my thyroid function since I'm hypothyroid, and then he wanted to test my glucose levels to rule out diabetes. He said until my thyroid is where it needs to be, it could be causing problems with ovulation. Or it could be PCOS, which is what he's leaning towards since I've had problems with my period since I was 12.

So, here's the plan (have I mentioned I love having plans?):

Back on birth control for three months (he cited studies where Clo.mid works better for women just coming off the pill)

In April, after I take my last birth control pill, I wait until cycle day 3, and start taking Clo.mid

Then I use an ovulation predictor kit and hopefully see a nice positive.

I go back on the third week of my period and get my progesterone tested.

We move on from there depending on what happens.

A plan! And can I just say I am so grateful to all the other blogging ladies out there that have gone through this? I went to my appointment fully prepared with questions to ask. I knew what he was talking about when he mentioned Clo.mid, and when he talked about the progesterone rising after ovulation. And I wouldn't have known any of that if I hadn't stumbled across this great community of bloggers. And, maybe, I'll have to stop lurking. . .


----UPDATE----
My blood results all came back great.  My thyroid is functioning perfectly (with the help of synthroids) and my TSH is 1.76.  Themostfabulousdoctor likes to see TSH levels between 0.2 and 2, so I'm doing great there.  He also tested my blood sugar after a fast and it was 90, which the nurse seemed pleased with.  I'll have to do some research on blood glucose levels.  I really know nothing about it.  The nurse also said that "everything else looks good, so stick with the plan."

Guess it's time for me to figure out what to blog about for three months that doesn't revolve around TTC. . .

Getting Knocked Up

I remember learning the basics of "reproduction" in high school. Mostly we were taught abstinence, which really isn't a great way to keep kids from getting pregnant. But this isn't a post about the (horrible) sex education in my great state. This post is about me and my husband, and trying to get knocked up.

We've been trying for about 8 months now. And I honestly thought it was going to be easy. Because that's what I was taught in school. Just by having sex once, you can get pregnant, and spend the rest of your life flipping burgers without a high school diploma. With the dire consequenses of pre-martial sex taught to me by my school and my church, I figured when the time came to have a family, all we needed to do was remove all the barriers. I stopped birth control last May, and expected to be pregnant in July. Yes, I am that naive.

Then, when it didn't happen in July, I started reading anything and everything I could find on getting pregnant. I found great blogs with people who sounded just as frustrated as I am. I read articles on how eating different foods can increase your conceptions chances. I read books about how even if everything is right as far as timing, egg and sperm quality you have a 20% chance of getting pregnant every month. I started to exercise more, eat better, and to my husbands great joy, have sex every other day.

But it's January now, and we're still not knocked up. I keep hearing from everyone "As soon as you relax, you'll get pregnant" and "It will happen when you stop trying" and my personal favorite "God will give you a child when he decides its time." By the way, that last one? Really.pisses.me.off. Because according to that theory, God decided it was fine to give babies to drugged out women, and women who kill their children, because it was "time" for them, but not to me, when I have a job, a stable marriage, and a great family.

I don't know exactly where this post is going except to rant and rave about the injustices of life. There are so many great women out there who would love to be moms. And there are so many women out there who have been trying so much longer than I have.

Life is so. . .

. . .quick, and precious. I went to a funeral today for a friends father. He was such an amazing man. I really loved and respected him. He was gruff and tough on the outside, but had a heart of gold.

I feel for that friend today, and for her mother. They are going through something I can't begin to imagine. I have lost many friends in my lifetime, and some grandparents, but I don't think it begins to compare with the loss of a parent or a spouse. I know only time will make the pain for them lessen, but that nothing will ever take the loss away from them in this life.

I am not usually an outspoken spiritual person. I don't agree with most religions, but do believe in a God and in an afterlife. I know that this man has gone to a better place, and that one day he will hug his children and his wife again. And that knowledge gives me peace even as my eyes cry tears of sorrow that this man, this wonderful man is gone.

Me

I have done this blogging thing before. And I love it. Being able to express myself helps me in ways I don't think any but the blogging community understand. But I felt limited by my personal blog. To many family members followed me there. And while to some, that would be a good thing, I felt it inhibited the way I spoke. I didn't trust the people I love to not run away at the first sign of what I feel is the "real me."

So, I'm starting out here. Here, where I feel free to be myself. I want to use this blog to express my thoughts and my emotions. I want this to be a place where I am confident in myself, and the world can, quite bluntly, fuck off if they don't like it.

I am a contradiction. I listen to rap while I crochet. I am shy, yet loud. I can be empathetic, but also uncaring. I love with my whole heart, mind and soul. I stick up for those I love, and am willing to do anything to make them happy, even at the expense of myself. I am college educated, but don't feel as though I fit in with the "educated stiffs." I'd much rather spend my time experiencing life, than reading about it. In contrast, I read as much as I can about the world, hoping to one day experience it on my own.

I am the person I am.