Friday, May 27, 2011

NuMom2B Study Visit 3

I am a bad blogger.  I had my third NuMom2B visit  on May 3rd.  And I haven't blogged about it yet.  Time to remedy that!

The third and final visit was quite fun.  I had to do all the regular things like give samples of blood, urine, and vag swabs.  They had me do a separate swab this time, but didn't tell me what it was for.  I should have asked.

Then came the fun part: the ultrasound!  I invited my parents to be there for this ultrasound, because the machine at the hospital is so much better than the one at my doctors office!  The ultrasound was fun; I don't think I'll ever get tired of seeing my miracle on the screen.  They measured baby girl because they said the measurements given to them by my doctor weren't of great quality.  I didn't mind, it was more screen time.

Then they switched on the 3D/4D imaging.  And it was amazing.  My baby girl turned from a profile shot into a real baby.  I know she was real before, but this was truly fun to see.  But I'll be honest, and say it was also a little creepy.  If the scan went "down" to far, there were suddenly giant holes in her face and head; body parts would disappear and reappear.  Also, it doesn't matter how great the quality is, baby girl still didn't look quite human.

I then answered a whole bunch of questions for the study.  All of them repeats from the previous two sessions.  They questioned me about diseases I've had; my and my husbands family history; my exercise regimen, etc. Then a quick jump on the scale and blood pressure check and I was free to go.

They also gave me a dvd of the ultrasound (which I haven't watched) and a whole bunch more pictures (which I have oohed and ahhed over several times).  They also gave me a paper that I'm to present to the admitting nurse when I deliver, as the study wants to get samples of the placenta.

After going through all of the crap to get pregnant, this study has provided me a much needed reassurance that everything is going well with this pregnancy.  I'm very glad I signed up to do it.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I failed

The one hour glucose test, that is.  I just got a call from my doctors nurse, and I have to go in next week to take the three hour test.  I'm pretty disappointed honestly.  I figured I wasn't going to pass, but there was that hope that everything would be ok.  There are just way to many things working against me for me not to have gestational diabetes.  But we'll see.  No official diagnosis until the three hour test is back.

Wish me luck!

Friday, May 20, 2011

It never goes away

So here I sit.  Happy and 27 weeks pregnant.  (Holy shit, 27 is a lot of weeks!)  And IF is never far from my mind.  I may have won a battle against PCOS and IF, but I know many who are still out on the front lines fighting the war.

IF came back and smacked me today.  I received a bill for a test done last September; a progesterone test.  And I noticed in the bill that the insurance hadn't paid any of it.  And I couldn't figure out why.  So I called the place that billed me, and was told the insurance wouldn't pay because it was related to infertility.  I know, I know, I should have seen that one coming.  But I felt so blindsided.

I was so frustrated, so angry, that I said to the woman on the other end of the line "I know it's not your fault, but that really pisses me off.  It's like they keep finding ways to screw you over!"  And you know what the nice lady said to me?  She told me, "I know.  I've been there.  I've fought your battles.  And it is hard, and they do screw you over."

Well that caught me off guard.  I told her that I was pregnant, and due in August, and she genuinely sounded happy for me.  I asked her if she'd made it through the battle, and she got quiet, and in a voice that I can only describe as pure happiness, she said "Yes".

This quick conversation really got me thinking.  IF never goes away.  Even if I choose to only have this one child, IF will always be there.  If I choose to fight again for another child, I'll be facing the battles again.  But just because I've won this battle, it doesn't mean that IF is no longer there.  There will always be people fighting in the front lines.  I just hope I can support them like they supported me.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mother's Day

Warning: Rant below.  The rant does deal with pregnancy, but also with life, so if you don't feel like reading, I understand.

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  My first Mother's Day with a baby.  Yes, she's still an inside baby, but she's mine.  I looked back at last Mother's Day.  The day I tested and got yet another BFN.  And cried.  And ate a whole tub of ice cream.  My heart aches for the me of last year.  My heart aches for all the other women who don't have their dream baby yet.  It was a surreal day where a part of me was happy to be where I'm at, and another part of me wanted so much to pull each and every woman who is still struggling across the chasm to be with me.  It doesn't feel 100% right to be here when others aren't. 

Saturday night I make a point of reminding The Husband, yet again how important Sunday is for me.  I even spell it out: "I want you to acknowledge the day with a gift.  Doesn't have to be big, but something"  That's a good hint for a guy right?  When I tell him this, his friend is sitting next to him (they were getting ready to play computer games) and the friend looks at me and says "You're not even a Mother.  Not really"

Friend almost got kicked upside the head.  And so did The Husband when he responds to Friend "Yeah, I know.  I've tried logic with her, and she never listens"  The Husband and Friend proceed to laugh, while I'm still standing there.  Oh, such anger.  I told them to have a great night (laced with sarcasm) and went to my room (yes, at that point The Husband wasn't going to get to sleep in there) and shut the door.  And promptly burst into tears.

I forget sometimes how men can be so utterly clueless.  I sat on my bed and cried until my throat was raw and my eyes were puffy.  I cried because I didn't understand how he could make such a callous comment when he had watched my, our, struggles to get pregnant up close.  I cried because I didn't understand how he could take the side of Friend when I'm The Wife.  He didn't marry Friend, he married me.  I cried because I felt that he didn't feel that Anna was worth enough to celebrate. 

I cried and cried, and must have been not as quiet as I thought I was, because The Husband came into my room.  And asked me why I was crying.  And then got upset with me when I told him why.  Men.  He said that neither he nor Friend had meant to make me upset.  That it was a joke.  Harmless.  I told The Husband that it was a shitty joke, and completely fucked up.  I stopped crying.  But didn't really forgive either of them.

Woke up Sunday morning to a present and a card.  Not sure when The Husband went shopping but I suspect it was after TearFest 2011.  He got me a card and signed Anna's name, and both of the fur kids.  And in the card he wrote how happy he was to become a Dad.  And I forgave him a little more.  And then the present was a new purse, which I love.  Especially knowing that he thinks my love of purses is a waste of money.  And I forgave him a little more. 

He's now allowed back in our bedroom.  At least for the time being.