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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Did you hear the one about pregnant women and vivid dreams?

Cause I sure hadn't. At least until I googled it this morning.  Why did I google it?  Because I had one scary f-ed up dream last night.

In my dream I dreamt that I woke up, and there were a couple of silver dollar sized spiders on my covers looking at me.  (FYI, I HATE spiders.  Hate).  It didn't feel like I was dreaming, it felt very real, and I felt very much like I had to get out of that bed and run away.

Which I did.  But not in the dream.  Nope, I got up and ran to the computer room, still in the throws of my nightmare and screamed at the husband to "Go kill those f-ing spiders!"  Yeah, apparently I scared the shit out of him.  Being the good husband he is, he went in and shook out all of the covers and told me that the bed was safe.

Which was about the time I woke up and realized how silly this whole thing was.  I mean really?  Big spiders are rare where we live to begin with, but in the winter time?  They die.  Or at least that's what I tell myself.

Don't be to proud of me for laughing at myself.  I still watched the husband check out the bed before I got back into it.  A girl can never be to safe.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

NuMom2B Study - UPDATED

Ok, I'm putting this out there interwebs, because I can't really make up my mind.  I received an information pamphlet at my first prenatal visit about this study.  The study is to help determine why many first time moms have complications.  I looked through the brochure and saw one great plus, three free ultrasounds!

I sent off an email to the study leader asking for more information.  I received an answer today.  Basically they would have me go in for three extra visits and they would collect blood, urine and vaginal secretions (their words, not mine) and then do an ultrasound.  Then at the time of delivery (please let us make it that far) they would collect a sample of the placenta and cord blood.  They provide compensation up to $50, and they say there are no risks involved.  The study would not directly benefit me, but it could help new moms in the future.

So what do you think?  Part of me is thinking "Yes! Go for it! Help other women! Plus get to see the baby more often!" and the other part of me is thinking "Wait.  Just because they say there are no risks, doesn't mean something bad won't happen.  Do you dare risk the baby for $50?"

Gah!  I'm so torn!
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OK, after reading the comments from Robin and Kakuna, I realized I'm probably way over-thinking this whole thing and responded back to the study coordinator.  Now I guess we wait and see!

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Announcement, Part 2

So after dealing with the bitch we went to the husbands grandmas house.  On the drive up, I was really nervous about what his family was going to say.  I worried that I'd encounter another version of my cousin, and I just knew I wasn't going to be able to handle that.  Finally, I decided that I was going through with it.  The husbands family deserved to know.  And again, if something goes wrong, I want and need their support.

So we get to Grandma's house, and everyone starts unwrapping presents from Grandma, and watching her unwrap the ones we gave her.  The husband gave his mom the package with her ornament in it when we got there, but told her not to open it until we said it was ok.  Soon, all the presents were unwrapped, and we told my MIL to open her gift.  She starts reading it "Cookies in the Oven.  I don't get it"  I told her to keep reading, and she reads "Due in August" and still has this totally confused look on her face.  And then one of the cousins gets it, and looks at me, and I'll be damned if I'm not crying again.  Then someone shouts "Amber's having a baby!!" and everyone starts screaming and running over and hugging me.  And we're all crying and blubbering and making fools of ourselves.  It was a truly special moment.

When everything starts to calm down, I told the ladies in the husbands family about what the cousin said.  They were all justifiably shocked and outraged that she would say such a thing.  I told them how I had gone upstairs and cried, and you know what the husbands Grandma said to me? (excuse me for a second while i wipe my eyes again)

She said, "If we were there, we would have cried with you"  Wow.  Just wow.  Do I have awesome in laws or what?
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Ok, tears have dried.  Almost.  Ok, not really.  But here's the third part of the story.

The husbands mom cannot keep a secret.  AT ALL.  Which is part of the reason we announced it at the husbands Grandma's house to begin with.  We figured it would be easier on her if everyone found out at once.

Forgot she had friends.

She's posted a picture of the ornament we gave her on facebook.  The congratulations are coming in and being posted on my wall.  I give up.  It sure is nice to know how many people out there are supporting us.  But I feel like a fraud.  I wanted to (and still will) make my own post describing how amazing a blessing being pregnant is, and how it took so long to get here, but it was worth the struggle and all that.  I worry that other friends of mine that are struggling are feeling the pain of another announcement.  But I'm just not ready to go that public.  People can assume at this point, but until I see a heartbeat, I'm staying quiet on facebook.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Announcement: The good and the bad

I'm thinking that I'm going to have to break this up into a couple of posts.  But first we'll start with the inevitable.  By telling our families, we've now been outed on Facebook.  Yeah.  Wasn't ready for that.  For the most part, everyones reactions have been great.  Except my cousins, who shall now be known as family members that are on the shit list, or mother f-ers.  Take your pick.  I'll get to that part though.

First, my parents reaction.  We went to their house yesterday morning to open presents.  We hid my parents presents and waited until all the gifts were opened.  They were getting ready to head up and make breakfast, and we told them that they both still had one present left.  I also made them open them at the same time.  Mom opened her ornament, and got really quiet.  She looked at me, and I started crying and she just kept saying "really?"  Dad opened his present which was a University of Utah onesie.  Which he promptly put on his present pile and started to walk away.  Mom said to him "Dad, don't you know what that is?" and he responded "Yeah, it's another outfit for the damn dog."  Seriously, I almost died then.  So then Mom shows him the ornament, and he gets this big ol smile on his face.  It was awesome.  Truly just as magical as I hoped it would be.

But once mom had that ornament, she didn't want to let it go.  She started showing everyone.  And I decided to relax, because it was family, and they love me.

Until the cousin bitch showed up.  I'm having my moment of happiness, and you know what she says to me? "You shouldn't have told anyone.  You're going to have a miscarriage." And walked away.

I know there are risks.  I know that just being pregnant doesn't mean I'll have a baby in nine months.  I know how many baby loss mommas are out there.  But I was within the safety of my family, surrounded by people that I assumed loved me and would support me.  For her to tell me that in such a callous way cut me to the core.

I ran upstairs and cried for about twenty minutes.  I was heartbroken.  I still am, quite honestly.  And those little niggling doubts that have been in my head since seeing the positive?  They have become huge screaming monsters.  I don't want her to be right.  I don't want to lose this baby.  But if that happens, at least I know I have the love of most of my family to support me.

Wow, sorry for the long rant.  I'm just really upset, and don't see myself getting over this anytime soon.

Anyway, I'll write another post soon telling you how we announced it to his family, and why we've been outed on facebook.  It's been an interesting weekend.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Short and Sweet

We had our first pregnancy ultrasound today.  The baby is measuring at 5 weeks 4 days.  We saw a flicker on the screen, but its not a confirmed heartbeat.

No pictures, as the quality wasn't that great.  I have my next appointment January 7th.  I'm hoping my mom can come with me to that one.

Wishing all of you a happy and safe Christmas weekend!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

An interesting week.

Well, Interwebs, I finally found a way to tell my mom.  I found a really cute ornament to give her.  It arrived yesterday, and it is so cute!  It was a little more then I wanted to spend, especially after shipping, but it made me smile.  I got my dad a University of Utah onesie, since he's a huge fan.  I hope I am able to get them to open their presents at the same time.

In other news (ok, not really) did you know its really hard to keep a secret?  I went out last night with my sister in laws R & J to get pedicures.  R is pregnant and due in January (and after getting preggers denied that she had IF) and J is a baby loss momma.  They quizzed me for a good twenty minutes on what I was doing to get knocked up.  Asked how things were going, when would I have the results from the last cycle, why wasn't I changing doctors.  Holy crap!  I hope they aren't to mad that I lied through my teeth when they find out at Christmas.

And in non anything to do with fertility news, my toes are adorable!  Well, as adorable as toes can get.  I had a blast hanging out with the girls last night.  It was a great break from everything.  I love my SILs, even when they get on my nerves.  But then, I guess that's what sisters do.

Hope y'all have a great weekend!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

An update

Well, I took another test this morning (a different kind) and the plus sign popped out before the control line did.  Huh.  I guess that means it worked, eh?

I'll be honest, aside from a few moments of absolute giddyness, I've been kind of numb.  Ok, really numb.  The only thing that keeps running through my head is "OMG, are we ready for this? What were we thinking? Parents? We can't be parents. . . "

The other thing that keeps going through my head is how to tell my parents.  Since I'm an only kid, this will be their first grandbaby.  (whoa, I just said grandbaby)  I want to do something fun, and surprise them on Christmas.  But that's as far as I've gotten.  Ideas?  I did buy my mom a digital picture frame for Christmas, so I was thinking I could use that somehow.  HELP!

And most important, thank you thank you thank you for being happy for me.  I'm going to have to let you guys be the happy ones for awhile.  I'm still in shock.  But it's so comforting to know that there is happiness out in the universe for my little one.
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I hope it goes without saying, but I'm paranoid.  If you know me in real life, please don't say anything anywhere but on here!  This is my (and the Interwebs) big secret for the moment.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Is it?

Scared

That's right.  I'm scared.  Want to know why?  I'm scared because AF was due Saturday.  Sunday at the latest. And she hasn't shown up.  I've had cramps since last Wednesday.  I keep running to the bathroom expecting to see AF, but nothing.  No spotting, just cramps.  And nausea.  And sore boobs.  And exhaustion.

I'm scared to test.  Scared to hope that we might be pregnant.  Scared to test and see a negative and slam into despair.  I feel as though I'm walking a tightrope, and one wrong step will send me spiraling down, down, down into dark depression.

I just need to keep walking forward, keeping my eyes on the prize.  I feel as though if I reach for the pregnancy test, I will fall off the rope, and I'm scared to take that risk.  I want to go back to last month and tell myself that we should sit this cycle out.  The potential for pain is to great.  If you don't get the positive you've been waiting for, it will make Christmas unbearable. 

I'm scared.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

We interupt this blog to bring you a cycle update

I came to the conclusion at lunch today that I haven't blogged about this cycle. . . Hmm (checking blog posts). . . apparently I haven't told you anything about my cycle for awhile.  What kind of infertility blog is this anyway?

Today we are beginning week two of the dreaded two week wait.  Do I feel positive about this cycle?  Yes and no.  We BD on time, but with the husbands SA results being inconclusive, that kind of throws a damper in the whole thing.

Wait, what do you mean I didn't tell you about the SA?  I could have sworn I wouldn't have let something that big slip!  I did?  Well, here's the quick version.  My doctor offers to do an in office analysis for free.  FREE.  Yes, it doesn't go into as many details as the professional ones, but we figured we'd take him up on it, because, FREE.  The doc said the numbers looked good, but that the viscosity worried him.  Dr. Google told me that if the fluid is too thick after a certain amount of time, it doesn't matter how many swimmers you have, they can't get free.  So, we have a script for a new SA, at an andrology lab.  Sigh.  It will be $145, not covered by insurance (big surprise, eh?).  $20 of that $145 is for the sample cup.  I, obviously, am in the wrong business.

Let's add that to the fact that by switching to my husbands insurance, the drugs for the month jumped from $25 to $150.  For ten little pills.  Yes, I know I was spoiled before.  I realize that having insurance cover any part of IF is a miracle.  But really?  Ouch!  I cried at the beginning of this cycle, not because I wasn't pregnant, but because of the increase in medication cost!  Ok, and maybe a little because I wasn't pregnant.

So there it is, my cycle in review.  AF is scheduled to arrive Saturday or Sunday.  I'm already having cramps, which is just annoying.  I've got my money saved up for the next round of drugs, in case it didn't take this month.  And, I figured out we'll be ovulating around Christmas next cycle.  Wouldn't that be an awesome present?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The long awaited Snickerdoodle Recipe!!

(Haha, take that Pillsbury!  A good looking final product picture!!)

Magical Snickerdoodles 
(I've written the recipe as I received it, the notes in parentheses are my own additions)
1/2 c butter, soft
1/2 c shortening
1 1/2 c white sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
2 3/4 c flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt

snickerdoodle outside
2 tbsp white sugar
2 tsp ground cinnamon

First, preheat your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.  Then cream together butter, shortening, 1 1/2 c sugar, eggs and vanilla.  Blend in flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.

Mix together 2 tbsp white sugar and 2 tsp ground cinnamon.  Shape dough into 1 1/2 inch balls (no need to be precise, ish works.)  Roll balls in cinnamon sugar mixture and place 2 in apart on ungreased baking sheets. (I wasn't this precise and they still worked out great!).

Bake only 8 minutes (seriously, just 8 minutes.  They won't look done, but they are.  Trust me).  Remove immediately from baking sheet to baking racks to cool.

Once they've cooled (at least a little bit), enjoy!  

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Cool New (at least to me) Website

I don't know about the rest of you, but I love to shop.  Love.  And I really love to shop online, and check out a lot of different stores before buying.  I have been known to stalk items online waiting for them to go on sale so I can justify my purchase. 

I check out several deal and freebie sites (which is a whole post in and of itself), and saw a link to a website called EBates.  Ebates is a website that links to the websites that you shop on anyway, but then gives you cash back for shopping there.  At some stores you only get 1-2% back, but some stores give you a lot more.  Like the Span.x I bought today for $44.  I'll get $3.30 back for using Ebates!

So seriously, check them out.  And I'll be honest here and let you know that part of the reason I'm doing this is because I love you all, and part of the reason is that if you join and make a purchase through them by the end of December, we'll both get a $5 bonus!  Five bucks people!  That's a latte at Starbucks.  Or a value meal at McDees.  Or five ones to use at a male strip club.  I don't judge. 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

And so it begins

The biggest storm to hit Utah since 2001, at least according to predictions.  And at this moment, I'm inclined to believe them.  The storm hit about thirty minutes ago, and already my window in the computer room looks like this:

(ignore my reflection)

The weatherman made scary enough predictions that my office let us all leave two hours early.  Which is pretty much unheard of.  They love holding us captive, er, making sure we keep productive.  Of course, since you already know that we were having Thanksgiving at work today, you've probably already guessed that we weren't being very productive.  Oh, and guess who won the roll competition?  Yep, I did!  I rule!  Ok, so maybe I was the only one who brought in homemade rolls, but whatever, I still win.

Anywho, me and the husband are hunkered in for the long haul.  I've already told my boss that I won't be driving in tomorrow until the roads are clear, and the husband gets to work from home.  Now if only I was ovulating. . . . hehe

And on that note, let me assure you that I will probably slap the first person who says "Boy, can't wait to see how many babies we get in 9 months"

Sunday, November 21, 2010

ICLW and Roll Domination

Happy ICLW everyone!  Here's a quick recap of our TTC journey:  I've been diagnosed with PCOS.  We've done three clomid cycles, and I got three giant cysts on my last clomid cycle.  We've started femera, and I seem to be doing better (no mood swings, no cysts taking over my body).  The husband had an SA, and it was inconclusive, so we're going in for another on this week.
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I don't know about everyone else, but I'm kind of freaked out by the fact that it's almost December.  That means it's almost Christmas, and that means I have to start on my shopping.  I was really excited about the holidays this year due to the fact that I've been employed all year.  That really helps when it comes time to buy everyone presents.  But now I'm facing a dilemma.  Members of our family haven't been as fortunate.  I spoke with my SIL last night and she doesn't want the family to exchange gifts because they can't afford to buy presents.  She feels bad that she can't get us anything.  I respect that, I really do, but I'm not buying presents for people because I expect things back, I'm buying them presents because I love them.  So what do I do?
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Every year in my office we have a Thanksgiving dinner.  It's a pot luck thing, and its fabulous!  One guy brings in a turkey and cooks it in a counter top oven, and another guy cooks mashed potatoes on a camp stove in our parking garage.  Last year they had a Yam-Off, and several people brought in their yams to see whose were the best.  This year they are having a "Rolls of Thunder" competition.  And I'd just like to inform the Interwebs that I am going to dominate that competition!  I spent the day baking rolls, and they are kick ass!  Yeah, I'm a nerd, but I'm pretty excited.

Also, I made some to die for snicker doodle cookies today.  I'll take a picture tomorrow and post the recipe.  They are the best cookies I've ever made.  Ever.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Had to post this, but it's very NSFW

Stumbled across this video on YouTube.

Movember

It seriously gave me a case of the giggles.  Yes, I have a different sense of humor, but I had to share, on the off chance that some of you ladies do as well.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Harry Potter

Yes, I'm one of them.  I'm definitely more Team Harry than Team Edward, although I do love me a good vampire story.  I've read all the books, and seen all of the movies.  In fact, I've been trying to think up ways of convincing my husband to go and see the new Harry movie that comes out Friday.  I mean, I knew we wouldn't get in on Friday, and that Saturday would be packed as well, but I figured Sunday was looking good.

And then, (OMG) my husband just called.  His totally awesome company bought a whole bunch of tickets for their employees and spouses to see Harry!  Free is so my favorite price, and I was doing a happy dance knowing we got to go see the movie eventually.  But guess what, Interwebs?  It's not eventually.  It's Thursday night.  THURSDAY!  OMG we are going to a pre screening of Harry Potter, for FREE! 

Yeah, I'm just going to go now. . . .off to a safe little corner of the house and dance like a crazy woman.  Is it normal for a 28 year old woman to get this excited over a movie?  If it isn't don't tell me.  I'm loving my happiness!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

So. . .

A friendly piece of advice to you, Interwebs.  You never know where your craptastic photography skills may end up.  You may think that you are posting a recipe for a few loyal blog followers, and you know they won't mind if you take a shortcut and don't work on making the picture perfect.  I mean, they read your writing, and they still come back, right?

Until one day, when you're kind of bored at work and you start to look at your blog stats.  And you notice that you are getting some hits from Pillsbury.  So you click back.  And find out that WOW, you were listed as a Blogger of the Week!  And then, you see you're craptastic picture in there with all of these beautiful ones.

Seriously?!  I'm cursing myself that I didn't get a better picture of those delicious treats!  

My only consolation? My recipe idea got posted despite the awful photos!  

Friday, October 29, 2010

quick question

We are going to a family halloween party tonight.  I have two potential costumes, and I can't decide!

Witch or Pirate??

Ideas?  Suggestions?

Also, I have ways to make the pirate costume family friendly.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Our Love Story

Ok, before I get into the story, I want to ask forgiveness.  You see, I was really bored at work a few months ago, and decided to write our story as a fairy tale.  I was going to make it into one of those cute photo books and give it to my husband for our anniversary.  But then I thought it might be to cheesy to give a man.  I let him read the story, and he loved it.  Who knows, I may make it for Christmas!

Anyway, here's our story.  Please don't laugh to hard at my writing attempts!
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This story begins like any other

Once upon a time, in a land far far away. . . .
There lived a prince and a princess.

Both the prince and princess were loved greatly by their families, even during times of great mischief.  They grew up, attended schooling, and after many years of hard work, the prince and princess were awarded degrees. 

This however, is where the story changes.
The princess, who lived in the land of Sandy, grew restless.  She desired to have her own kingdom and set about to meet her prince.

At the same time the prince, who lived in the land of Harrisville, decided to find his princess.
Both the prince and princess were good children, and loved to listen to their mothers.  Both queens had heard of a magical sorcerer who could match the princes and princesses of the world using only a “wink”! 

The prince and princess were skeptical, but decided to give it a try.  The sorcerer was a busy man, who worked with many princes and princesses.  The only way to contact him was through a magical picture screen. 

The prince began working with the sorcerer, and sent out a few winks, hoping the sorcerer would turn them into magic.

The princess got a few winks, but none were magical, and the sorcerer claimed he had a few frogs in the system.   The princess began to despair that there were only frogs, and no princes.

The princess talked to the sorcerer, determined to tell him to stop.  The sorcerer would not give up however, and sent another wink, and this one was magic.  A prince appeared in the magic picture screen; the prince was very handsome, and the princess had the sorcerer send one of his magical winks back to the prince.

After a long night, and a longer day, the prince and princess were able to talk using the magical picture screen.  They decided to meet, in the land of Salt Lake City, at a drinking house that was highly recommended by one of the princesses friends.

On the day of the meeting the prince and princess were both very nervous.  The princess arrived early and drove her carriage around the block a few times.  She didn’t want to appear too anxious by being there first.  The prince got lost in the mysterious roads of this new land, but finally the prince and princess met.

The drinking house held little promise; the drinks were not good!  The prince and princess drank them anyway.  There were so happy to finally be together.  They finally decided to go shopping at a city market called The Gateway.  They enjoyed looking in all the stalls, and marveling over the different things for sale.

The prince and princess decided to attend a magical play called Employee of the Month.  But first, they needed to eat.  They found a nice place to feast called Applebees, where they ate and talked.  By then it was time to see the magical play, which the prince and princess both enjoyed.

The prince then walked the princess to her carriage, and for his bravery was awarded a kiss.  The princess drove home thinking that this was a prince she could marry.  The prince spent many minutes in the carriage parking lot looking for his carriage, impressed by his date with the princess.

The prince and princess spent a great deal of time together after their first meeting.  They were able to meet each other’s families. 

The prince and princess were both adventurous at heart and explored many different lands together including Wendover, Boise, The Great Salt Lake, Cove Fort, and both the Uinta and Topaz mountains.

Soon the prince and princess decided that they wanted to start their own kingdom.  The prince gave the princess a beautiful ring, centered by a stone of the princesses own grandmothers.

The prince and princess planned a beautiful wedding.  On the day of the wedding however, it was raining.  But they would not be deterred.  Many friends and family attended the wedding and the party afterward.  The prince and princess felt loved by all who attended, and were grateful to the sorcerer who brought them together.  To thank him (he was, of course, busy matching other prince and princesses and could not attend the wedding) they danced to the song “A Wink and a Smile”.

The prince and princess then went to the far off land of Las Vegas to celebrate their new life together.

And they continue to live happily ever after!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Cleaning house

Ok, I knew I had a book problem.  My husband is always telling me I have to many books, but I didn't beleive him.  That is, until I started cleaning the house.  And put all of my books in one place.


So, here's my question for the Interwebs:  Anyone up for a book share?  I'll mail books to you if you in turn mail books to me!  Win win, right?  It gives me new things to read, gets rid of the books that I haven't read in forever.  Send me an email if your interested.  lifechatsandrants at gmail dot com.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Away for the weekend

Yeah, I know I promised a post about our wedding, and how we met and all that.  But let's be honest here. . . .did you really think I was going to get to it before I left?

I'm off to Vegas!  If you should happen to see me there, and I'm doing something stupid, then that wasn't me.  And any photographic proof to the contrary must have been photo shopped.

Talk to you ladies on Monday when I get back!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Did ya miss me? (and a question)

And quite honestly, if you didn't miss me, I don't want to know!

Here's the scoop on why I've been absent blogland for awhile.  Wait, I don't actually have a good reason, so I'll give you a bunch of lame reasons instead.

Work.  Work was really evil and busy and time consuming, and when I got home from work, I just wanted to jump into bed and fall asleep.  Work also had Dingbat, so most night I came home incredibly frustrated and annoyed.

Dingbat.  I've been meaning to blog about her again, and update you on her new level of annoyingness, but I was afraid that if I blogged during the heat of the moment, I'd say something I *might* regret later.  Might.  Probably not.  Anyway, here are Dingbat updates, in no particular order.
  • Dingbat update #1 - Dingbat gave me a long lesson yesterday on why the Second Coming is going to happen SOON.  Her proof?  Cancer and gay people.  I don't know if the news story about Latter Day Saint Apostle Boyd Packer has made it national or not, but it's blown up huge here in Utah.  And Dingbat was using his talk about gays as proof that the world we live in is deteriorating.  Luckily, I let Dingbat live, because although I don't believe in a lot of the things organized religion talks about, I know that other people do, and I'm not going to change their believes anymore than they will change mine.
  • Oh, and cancer.  Yeah, she says that is the incurable disease that bodes "the end of time but not eternity".  Actual quote, btw.  She said "I used to think it was AIDS, but you don't hear about that anymore, so they must have found a cure."  Yeah.
  • I've decided Dingbat has a hearing problem.  Either that, or she has no shame.  She has been walking around and farting for the past week.  Loud ones.  And she doesn't seem fazed by it in the least. 
  • And to tie in the farts to something else. . . .I got back from lunch a few weeks ago and Dingbat wasn't here.  In fact she didn't come back until I'd been back from lunch for two hours.  I welcomed her back when she arrived and tried to go back to work.  But no, she had to tell me where she'd been.  Which was at home.  Changing her clothes.  Because she (and I'm going to quote her again here) "had explosive diarrhea that got all over her pants and shirt" and she'd had to go home and change and shower to come back to work.  I sent a quiet text to my husband to tell him what she told me, and he responded "don't sit in her chair"  Love my hubby!
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Another reason for not writing?  I went to a party.  A pirate party.  And everyone had to dress up like pirates or pay the consequences.  The party is an annual tradition for one of our friends.  He does it every year for his birthday, and every year it gets bigger and more fun.  I even went and got one of those slutty grown up pirate costumes for the party.  It was a great party!  I'll post pictures when I get them on my computer.
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I've got even more reasons.  Like getting ready to celebrate my anniversary in Las Vegas!  Today is our three year anniversary!  I can't begin to imagine what we've been through in three years, and everything that's changed in our life since we met four years ago.  But that is a post in and of itself, and I'll try to write it before we leave.
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Finally, I've got a question for you (and if you've read this far, bravo you!)

I took my last provera pill on September 24.  I got some spotting on September 29, and AF showed up big time on October 5th.  Honestly, this is my worst period ever.  Or at least since the one I had in middle school that lasted 3 whole months.  It's not going away.  It has slowed down, and it sometimes looks like its stopping, but I've had 8 days of bleeding now, not counting the spotting, and I'm really sick of it.  Our anniversary trip?  At least we'll be in Vegas so we can keep ourselves entertained in other ways!

So here's the question.  Has anyone else who used provera to start a cycle had a heavy period afterwards?  My doc said it's normal, but well, I wanted to hear it from someone else too.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Versatile Blogger Award

Wow, Interwebs, I got an award!  Samantha at And Baby Will Make 3! gave me the Versatile Blogger Award.  Samantha is my light of hope.  She also has the nastiness that is PCOS, and yet, she is pregnant!  Not only pregnant, but at 27 weeks!  She's such a happy person, and always leaves the sweetest comments on my posts.  She really has made a huge difference in my life from her support.  This IF journey may suck, but at least I'm not traveling the road by myself anymore!  Thanks Samantha, for the award, and more importantly, all your support!

The Rules of the Award:
  • Thank and link back to the person nice enough to give you the award
  • Share seven things about yourself
  • Pass along the award to seven other bloggers who you think are fabulous, and let them know they got the award
Seven Things About Me:
  1. I am an only child, but I have three half sisters.  The reason I still call myself an only?  The three sisters don't really talk to me because they hate our father.  Which is crap, because my dad is awesome!  It really bugged me as a kid, but I'm getting more used to it as I get older.  Their loss, right?
  2. I am a bibliophile.  No, its not as dirty as it sounds.  I love books.  I love the way they can transform an otherwise uneventful car ride into a magical place.  I love the way books feel, and love the smell of bookstores and libraries.  Yeah, I'm a nerd, but I'm a happy one!
  3. And speaking of the nerd thing, I might as well confess now that I play computer games.  My favorite one right now is Civilizations V, which came out a couple of weeks ago.  It's a turn based game where you control your civilization from beginning (huts and villages) to end (glorious victory and world domination!).
  4. Another nerd thing: I was in the FBLA in high school.  Not only in FBLA, but I was actually in the presidency my senior year.  I went to state competition every year, and placed in the top five each time. 
  5. I am hugely competitive.  This makes me a sore loser.  Friendly game of cards?  I will ruthlessly try to take you down.  If I lose, don't expect me to forget either.  I'll remember and get you back when you least expect it!
  6. I create little animals out of oven bake clay.  It's really soothing to me to take a block of something, and create something cute out of it.  They aren't masterpieces by any means, but I love doing it.  It's also fun to break out the clay when friends bring over their kids.  It instantly turns me into the cool one because I'll sit on the floor and create with them.
  7. Along with number 6, I might as well confess that I prefer being around kids to most adults.  They have such a beautiful easy take on life that makes me smile.  I may not be able to be around newborns, or pregnant friends, but once the kids hit the age of two and up, they are my best friends.  I regularly have neighbor kids come up to my house to see if I can play, or just to tell me about their days at school.  I keep a freezer stocked with popsicles for them as well.
Now for my 7 nominations!  I'm sure I'm going to be giving the award to some people who've already recieved it, but tough cookies!

Robin at Looking for My Keys
Marla at Marla's Austin Chronicles
Jenny at Among the Blossoms
Stickles McQueen at Overcoming Obstickles
Lauren at Lauren Vs. The World
Kakunaa at Spermination Station
Toni at The fertility-challenged black sheep

Friday, October 1, 2010

Survival

Did you know October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month?  Maybe you do, maybe you don't.  I'm guessing however, that you know a domestic violence victim.  You might now know for sure, but maybe you suspect something.  maybe you have a friend who used to be so outgoing, but now says she prefers to stay home.  She may have stopped wearing her "cute" clothes in favor of jeans and long tees.  She might flinch at loud sounds, or jump when surprised.  Does she have new habits, like making sure the house is clean by obsessively checking that everything is in it's correct place?  I bet she also defends the abuser and tells you that "You don't understand.  He loves me"

I can also promise you that her self esteem has nose dived.  She is convinced no one will ever lover her as much as the abuser does.  In face, she feels she's lucky he tolerates her.  She doesn't even feel worthy of the "love" he gives, and has no hope of finding love again someplace else.

There are times when you'll see her come to her senses, and threaten to leave him.  She might even follow through.  Don't be shocked when she goes back.  After the high of standing up for herself wears off, she'll fall back into believing she's worthless, and "Besides," she'll say, "he's changed."

How do I know all this?  I'm sure you've guessed, but I know because that was my life, my world for almost four years.

Don't give up on the friends you see this happening to.  They need your friendship now more then ever before.  It was my friendships that finally convinced me that I was worth enough to not have to stay with him.  Even then, once I left for the final time, I NEVER  thought I'd find someone else to love me.

I'm still not healed fully from the effects he had on me.  I still startle easy, I hate when people sneak up behind me.  there are still times when I feel that I don't deserve my husbands love.  I fear that one day he'll find out he married the wrong woman and I'll be without love again.

But you know what?  I am healing.  I am strong.  I survived.

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If this sounds like anything you are going through, think hard.  Has it really changed?  Has he?

Help is available.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Aack! Work

Wow, Interwebs!  It's been a very busy week for me!  I've been trying to keep up with ICLW, but not doing as well as I'd hoped! 

It's all Work's fault.  You see Work has been making me get up at 6am every day.  Then Work makes me skip lunch because I have no time.  You'd think that Work would be satisfied by disrupting those two, well, sacred things.  But no.  Work then doesn't let me get home until around 630 or 7 at night.  And even then, Work doesn't leave me alone.  Nope, Work has been following me home every night.  Sometimes Work keeps me up talking to people until 9pm.  And when I try to sleep?  Work has been invading my dreams. 

Expect to see a slightly diminished presence from me until I get Work under control.  In fact, I have to run. Work found me on my blog, and it's now destroying my desk!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Attention Deficit, Oooh, Sparkly!

I love, love, love jewelry.  Especially bracelets.  And I loved the idea of using crystals to help center my focus and help with infertility.  And I found both in fellow blogger Jenny's Etsy site, Bloomtastic.  Go check it out.  Seriously, right now, I'll wait.

Back?  Aren't they amazing, and beautiful?  Don't you love how the stones are not just pretty but have meanings behind them?  I got this one, but added a special charm to it to make it mine.


Isn't it beautiful?  I got it in the mail tonight, and I put it on right away.  It feels like it belongs on my wrist, which sounds weird to say, but its the truth.  This bracelet is already a part of me.

The charm was my own, and one that I've had for many years.  I got it at a time in my life where I was scraping bottom emotionally (I've actually written a post about this, but it's not going to be posted until October 1st.  There's a reason for that, and I hope you come back and read it!).  I wore it on a necklace every day to help me believe in myself.  One day, I didn't feel like I needed it anymore, and I put it away in my jewelry chest and forgot about it.

Then IF hit, and I started to doubt myself again.  I started sinking back into my depression.  I started believing things that had been said to me long ago; things that I thought I'd overcome.

And then I saw Jenny's bracelets.  And as I was looking through the pictures, I felt like I needed one, but I needed it to be mine.  And all of a sudden, I thought of that charm.  The one that helped me so much before.  Jenny added it to the bracelet, and now my charm has come back to me.  Back to remind me that I have to believe in myself.

Thank you Jenny.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Good thing I asked for questions. . .

Because I am once again brain dead tonight!  However, something interesting did happen today, so I've got to tell you about that, and then I'll start answering questions!

I had to park on the street this morning for work, and I didn't do that swell of a job (I hugely dislike parallel parking).  A big work van parked in front of me, and due to my lame parking skills, the front of the van was in front of a driveway.  I didn't want to be the reason for the van to get hit, so I got out of my car, talked to the guy driving, and then moved my car a bit so he could back up and get the van out of harms way.

He ended up walking the same way as me, and even going into the same building.  So we talked a bit about really dumb things, and then parted.  And I honestly didn't think about it again.  Just a random occurrence right?

Wrong!  I got out to my car, and he's left his business card on my window.  I thought at first it was just an add, but no, when I flipped it over, he'd written "Text me!"  I didn't/haven't.  Seriously, did I just get hit on?
----------------------------
Kristin's Questions:
1. What is your college degree in?
Sociology with an emphasis in criminology.  It was actually my fourth major.  I started in elementary education, moved to English, had a another move to business, and then finally to sociology.  I really loved it as a major in school, as a major in the real world? Not so much!
2. When you dream about experiencing the world, where do you dream about being?
Ooh, good question!  Honestly, I'm so happy right where I'm at right now.  Well, I'd be happier with a little non furry child running around, but wouldn't all of us IFers say that?  I'm really happy with my job; I love being able to help people.  I love our little house, and I love the town we live in.  The only thing that could make me happier would be to have more girlfriends I could randomly hang out with.
3. How long have you been crocheting and what is your favorite type of yarn to use?
Funny story.  I started crocheting in college because I wanted to make my mom something special for Christmas without spending a lot of money.  I got her to teach me a few stitches, and then hid the project from her, and worked on it between classes.  She got mad at me for "wasting her time" by not using the skills she taught me.  Boy was she red in the face at Christmas!  I've been crocheting for about 9 years now, and I love it!  I would love to use the really soft, expensive yarns more, but they get pricey for afghans.  Mostly I use the kind called "I Love this Yarn" from Hobby Lobby.
4. If you could do any job in the world, what would it be?
Author.  Hands down!  I love telling stories, inventing characters, and places.  If not author, maybe book critic.  Getting paid to read. . . how cool would that be?!
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Ok, I will get to the rest of the questions tomorrow!  I'm totally head nodding as I write this and I don't want to skimp on answers.  I am so happy that you guys all asked questions though!  This is fun!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Happy ICLW day 2!

Yeah, I kinda felt bad for not posting as much as I used to (Thanks Samantha, hehe) and figured I'd post something again tonight.

But honestly?  I've got nothing.  No great ideas, no moving social commentary, not even a bomb scare to write about.

My head?  It's pretty much empty right now.  Work was hectic and stressful, and I loved every minute of it, but it left me absolutely brain dead tonight.

I thought about finding a cute, funny, or something else picture to post, but that sounded like a lot of effort.  So, I'm giving you, yes you, dear Interwebs an assignment.  I'm assuming I'm going to be equally brain dead tomorrow night, so I'm asking you to ask me questions.  Give me something to blog about!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

ICLW by bullet point!

I am so excited for ICLW again!  It's been such a great way for me to connect to new people!

If you are a regular follower, you know how much I heart bullet point lists.  Seriously, I would make every post have bullet points if I could.  But, I figure that takes away from the specialness of the little square box (or circle, or funny symbol.  See how versatile the bullet point is?)


  • We have been TTC for 15 months.  I took clomid for three months, and ended up with a ginormous pair of cysts, and the nickname "Bubbles".  We took a break month, and then started femara.  Didn't ovulate, so I'm now on provera, and will try a higher dose of femera on my next cycle.
  • I am the proud fur parent of a shih tsu named Moo and a cat named Mister.  They make coming home at night after a tough day wonderful.
  • I've been married to my hubby for almost three years.  Our anniversary is October 13!  
  • For our anniversary trip this year, we are going to Tahoe.  I am so excited!  We wanted to go there on our honeymoon, but it was recovering from a forest fire.  We ended up going to Vegas.  And yes, we do seem to go to places where we can gamble for milestones.
  • As a totally unrelated to my introduction side note, it's really hard to get to work when the bomb squad blocks the roads to blow up a suspicious briefcase that ended up holding a sandwich and a video tape.  Yeah, the day went downhill from there.  But really, is there any way for a day to improve after a bomb scare?
  • And on a side note to my side note, I'm totally glad it wasn't a bomb.  I really do appreciate the fact that there are people out there to keep us safe.
  • Also, I'm typing this all on my hubby's laptop.  Because he is playing Civ V, a nerdy computer game and I can't use my computer because his friend is over here playing as well.  And you know what really bugs me?  Today is the first day to play this game, and I don't get to play.
Well, I think that's enough for one bullet list.  I mean, there should be limits to them, right?  Because otherwise I would have no self control. . . .

Friday, September 10, 2010

I get to come to work on Monday!  Feel free to do a happy dance with me!

I don't know who I'm going to work for, how much I'm going to make, or if I'll have benefits.  But (and this is an important 'but') it's better than unemployment!

Happy dance! Big Smiles!  Now off to text message everyone and let them know!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

The results are in

And I didn't ovulate this month.  The nurse said my progesterone levels were below 0.5, so yeah.  Not a lot of hope there.  I'm expecting a phone call tomorrow from the doctor to discuss what's next.  Sigh.

But in a positive way, I think my not ovulating did something good.  I got a phone call from my mom tonight asking about the blood test results.  I told her that I hadn't ovulated and explained what the numbers meant.  And then she says to me (and you have to understand I'm not mad at her for this) "Huh, there is something to this then.  You really don't ovulate on your own."  She didn't go so far as to take back her claim that relaxing will help me, but it's a start!

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In other news, it's down to the wire with my job.  My contract ends tomorrow (well, honestly it ends Sunday, which is really dumb when you work M-F).  They thought they had something in the works to renew my contract, but it fell through this week.  Now they are scrambling to get something in place to pay me until a new contract can be made.

I'll let you in on a secret: being a contract worker has definite downsides.

This week has been, well, interesting at work.  I've been cleaning up my desk, finishing projects that are due in the next couple of months, and I even had a "goodbye for now" lunch with my girlfriends.  I'll be thrilled if I'm still at work next Monday, but it will be strange to not have looming projects, a clean desk, and a "hooray, I'm back even though I never left" lunch.

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Also, I have put my camping pictures on my computer, and I promise I will upload them.  Maybe even tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Seven Little Stones

I heard an amazing song today.




It made me think about who and what has been holding me up during this IF battle.  And my first thought was of my blogger friends and how much blogging has helped me.

So thank you ladies.  Thank you for helping hold me up, and for helping me to smile through the dark moments.  Thank you for your humor and your hugs.  I don't know where I'd be without them.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

FML version 2

So, while we were camping the topic of my infertility came up (I'm very open with my family and friends about our struggles. The only thing I hide is my blog).  I was telling them about the femara, and the lack of icky side effects and all that.  And I casually mentioned to my SIL R, that next time they want to get pregnant again, she should ask for it instead.  As a refresher, R is the one who got pregnant after her first month on clomid.

And then I had a serious WTF moment with her.  Because she doesn't believe it was the clomid that got her pregnant.  And it wasn't the metformin the doctor put her on either.  Nope, even though they tried on their own for two years with no luck, and the first time they get help they got pregnant, it wasn't the drugs. 

Know what it was?  She relaxed.  FML.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Camping. . . again

Well, interwebs, I'm off for another camping trip.  Hopefully this one turns out better than the last one.  Last time we only spent one night, and then had to go home due to a huge rainstorm. 

This time, I'm heading to Boulder, Utah.  It's a lot of fun, and southern Utah is so beautiful!  If you ever get the opportunity to see southern Utah interwebs, take it.  I grew up around it, and it still stuns me by how different and starkly beautiful it is.  I'll take lots of pictures, as always, and hopefully actually post a few!

I'm a few days into my 2ww.  I go into the doctors office next Tuesday for a blood draw to see if I ovulated.  I'm not entirely sure this time, but the opks said I did.

Also, a question for anyone who has taken femara.  I have the sorest bbs right now.  Like, wishing I could wear a bra to bed sore.  Is that normal for that drug?  Or am I just special?

I hope you all have a fabulous Labor Day weekend! 

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I need a new pharmacy

Remember this?  The annoying time I had at the pharmacy last week trying to get my femara?

Fast forward to today, when I finally look through my pile of mail (come on, you know you've done that too), and see a letter from the pharmacy.  My first thought it "Oh no!  My insurance must not have paid them for something and they are sending me a bill.  Crap."

And then I open it.  And it's not a bill.  It's a letter telling me that they saw that I've been prescribed femara.  And that they are here to help me with my breast cancer journey.  And that even though I have breast cancer, they know I will overcome it and live a long healthy life.

Apparently 5 femara pills can cure breast cancer.  Who knew?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

A quote

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity
--Seneca

Friday, August 20, 2010

Wow.

I just got back from the pharmacy.  Went to pick up my femara and metformin.  Had to explain to the pharmacy tech why I was taking femara.

Me: I'm taking that pill so I can get pregnant.
Idiot: But it's meant for breast cancer.
Me:  Yeah, but I'm not taking it for that.  I'm taking it to induce (hopefully) ovulation so I can get pregnant.
Idiot: Blank Look
Me: See, some of us can't get pregnant so easily.  And we have to use other methods to help us. . .
Idiot: But on your list of prescriptions, it says you are taking birth control pills.
Me: Yeah, I took those last month to shrink some ginormous cysts that I grew from taking the last fertility drug.
Idiot: But won't they counteract each other?
Me: I'm not taking the bc pills anymore.
Idiot: Well I'm going to have to have the pharmacist ok this before I can give them to you.

Seriously?  JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN DRUGS.  Holy hell, I'm pms-ing anyway, and now angry that I have to explain infertility to some fresh faced 19 year old, and now you tell me I have to talk to the pharmacist??!?

Pharmacist:  Tell me yourself why you are taking these drugs.  The tech said it was for fertility treatment?
Me: Yeah, the clomid didn't work and so the doctor moved me to femara.
Pharmacist: Why would he put you on birth control pills if you are trying to get pregnant?
Me: (seriously angry now, but trying to stay polite) He put me on bc pills to help shrink a giant ovarian cyst that grew from the clomid.
Pharmacist: Well I guess since the same doctor prescribed both drugs, he knows what he is doing.  But we'll have to see next month.  You'll have to go in for a follow up visit to your doctor before we can give you more.

I had to sign the thing saying I accepted his counseling (like he knows more than my doctor about infertility?) and they finally handed over the drugs.

And as I type this all out, I'm struck by the thought that I was on bc pills in January when that same pharmacy gave me my clomid.

Hell.  This is all so damn frustrating!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

One Month Follow Up Visit

I went back to the doctor today for my follow up appointment to check on the cysts.  And I'm happy to report they've shrunk.  I still have a few cysts on each ovary, but the biggest one now is an inch.  He said my ovaries looked "classic poly cystic."  And I've got to admit, I was proud of the little suckers for at least doing something textbook.

I'm off of clom.id and on to femara.  Crossing my fingers that this will do the trick.  I also talked to the doctor about other parts of the PCOS diagnosis and what to do to take care of myself.  Since I've been diagnosed I've lost 26 pounds, which is awesome, but still not enough.  So I'm going to continue to eat healthy, and exercise and hopefully drop some more weight.  The doctors also put me on metformin.  I'm a little nervous of the side effects, but hope the good outweighs the bad.

In other news, it's looking more and more likely that I will get to keep my job!  Of course, since my contract doesn't end until September 12th (a Sunday by the way, which makes no sense to me as I work M-F) I don't expect to hear anything concrete until September 10th.  But as you are sending positive thoughts out there for other people, send a small one out to the universe for me.  Life would be so much easier if I get to keep my job!

My mom has started physical therapy for her arm, and is hating every minute of it.  For once I get to sound like the parent when I tell her "It's for your own good.  One day you'll look back on this and be grateful."  Yeah, I'm totally practicing my mom skills.

Life has been pretty quiet otherwise at our house.  We've been catching up on yard work and house work, and really enjoying our break month.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Anger

I am so angry right now.  People are so stupid, callous, idiotic and cruel.

I just spoke with one of the girls I work with.  A guy in her department told her that he is disowning his brother because he is gay.  I guess the brother finally got the courage to come out to his family.  The guy here at work says he doesn't want his brother to have contact with his son, because "he might change him"

Ok, that pissed me off, but people are entitled to their own opinions.  I can mostly respect that.  Here's where I get really mad.  The guy here at work then told the girl I work with about his brother, because his brother is a teacher at her child's school.  He wanted her to know, because he wouldn't want his child to be "around that."

It's one thing to silently disapprove of what a family member does (for the record I see nothing wrong with this guy's brother) but when you go out of your way to make life hard for that family member?  That really angers me.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Menu Monday: Key Lime Tartlets

Marla has started a most yummy weekly thing.  It's called Menu Monday, and I'm finally organized enough this week to contribute!



Menu Monday

So, my Menu Monday are these fabulously delicious Key Lime Tartlets.  They are so delicious, and came about because I was feeling creative (read tipsy) while making sugar cookies last Friday.

Ingredients:
Sugar Cookie Dough (I used Pillsbury dough this time, because I'm lazy!)
Key Lime Pie Filling (I used the store brand)
Cool Whip, or Homemade Whip Cream (Yeah, I was lazy with the other ingredients so that I had the energy to make the home made whip cream.  OMG, its the best!)
Mini Muffin/Cupcake Pan

So, step one:  Roll out the cookie dough and cut out circles, like so


Then place the cookies inside the cupcake tin, like so


When you fill up the pan, bake them for 10-12 minutes in a 350 degree oven.  When they come out of the oven, they are going to be puffy.  Take a wooden spoon and tap down the centers to create a spot for your filling.

Now let the cookies cool down in the pan.  This will help them keep the shape.

While you're letting them cool, you can make the homemade whip cream.  I promise it's super easy, and tastes so much better than cool whip!

To make the homemade whipped cream you need whipping cream (the smallest container), sugar, and either a hand mixer or a really strong arm.  Poor the whipping cream into a bowl, add two to three tablespoons of sugar, and mix until it resembles, well, cool whip.  Yes, this may seem like a step you don't need to take, but its so much yummier!

Ok, so now you have your cool whip and your pie filling and your tart shells.  You just need to put them all together.  For this step I use my fancy Pampered Chef tool, but a spoon works just as well.  First take the tart shells and put them in a cake pan (trust me on this, they are harder to get into the cake pan after they are filled)  Then add the key lime filling.  (I forgot to take a picture of that step, so use your imagination)

Then, put on the whipped cream topping! 


Huh, looks like I forgot to take a picture of the finished product as well.  And since all the Key Lime Tartlets went to work with the hubby, and are now gone, I'll give you a picture of him smiling because I made him goodies!

Ok, not the biggest smile.  And more of a "get that thing out of my face" look.  But, isn't he adorable?

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Slumber Party

Oh, Interwebs, if you all lived closer I'd be inviting you to my house this afternoon!

I'm having a "Slumber Party", you know, those sex toy parties?  I had one last year, and I'll let you in on a little secret.  I actually became a distributor for a few months.  Turns out I hate selling things, even things that sell themselves.  But I love their products (not just the sex toys, geez, they have lotions and stuff too you know!)

So this afternoon my Slumber Mom Tracy is coming to do another party.  I'm really excited!  I love having girl time, and getting to laugh.  And I really need the laughter. 

Also, I have a post for either tomorrow or Monday.  It will go up as soon as I figure out how to use those poll thingies. 

Friday, July 30, 2010

Friends

I got a text message from Dingbat last night.  Around midnight.  She told me that they had found her best friend dead.  And that she was sad. 

I replied this morning that I was sorry to hear that, and that she was in my thoughts.

And then it hit me, Interwebs.  Dingbat considers me her friend.  There is no other reason to send a text message to someone at midnight.  When a person feels down, they reach out to their friends for comfort.  And she reached out to me.

I'm sitting here at work, kind of shell shocked.  I want to do something for Dingbat, but I'm unsure what that something is.  Flowers? A card? A yummy, not healthy treat? 

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Huh. . . Guess I did do that

Hrmm . . I looked at the calendar today and it said it was the 27th.  That cannot possibly be right.  I mean, there is no way that I would go 7 days into ICLW without an introduction post, right??

Looks like I did!  I guess it was all the drama of finding out I can produce things that show up on ultrasounds, just not babies (yet).  And can I just say that all of your support has been freaking amazing!  Getting some form of encouragement every day, is awesome.  I can't begin to tell you all how much it meant, and means, to me.  But, I'm sure most of you understand what I'm trying (and not succeeding) at saying.

So let's see.  A quick bit of info on me can be found here or here.  But I've never really documented my whole TTC journey (and what an appropriate word journey is!).  Someday, I may even put it up on a sidebar.  But that requires effort, and I'm just not feeling it at the moment!

Me and the hubs got married in 2007.  We decided that we wanted kids, but not right away, so I stayed on bc pills (yeah, the irony kills me).  And the hubs was so paranoid about becoming a father when he wasn't "ready" that we used condoms as well.  Yeah. . . to be so blissfully ignorant again!

Last June, I went off bc pills, and we stopped using condoms.  But we weren't really "trying".  I wasn't charting, I wasn't using OPKs and in fact wasn't having many cycles either.

Found a good doctor in January, and he started me on The Plan.  Three months of bc pills to straighten things out, then three months of clomid to get me pregnant (yeah, this is the cliff notes version).  We all know what happened with The Plan.  It ended up causing me to have two giant (and one sorta giant) cysts.  Crap.

So now I'm starting on a new plan.  Back on bc pills for a month to shrink (please God) the cysts.  Then have another visit with "ET's finger" (my hubbys friend called it that, and I just about died).  If the cysts  have shrunk we move to a new plan.  If they haven't, surgery.

Of course, there's always the elusive option of getting pregnant this month because I'm "relaxing" and "not thinking about it", right?

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And guess what interwebs?  I got blog awards!  OMG, OMG, OMG!  I'll post them later!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Just a short post

So, I've got a new nickname thanks to my mom, and my husband.  Bubbles.  Yeah, my Mom thought it up, and I mistakenly told my husband, and now its sticking.  I always wanted a nickname, but I guess I didn't realize that most nicknames are chosen for you rather than by you!

Everything is going ok for me right now.  Still some dull pain that can spike when I bend wrong, or when the cat or dog land on my stomach.  Otherwise I'm feeling ok.  I'm debating going in to another doctor for a second opinion as everything I read on Dr. Google says if a cyst is over 5 cm it will need to be removed surgically.  I don't want to have surgery, but if I need it, I'd rather get it over with.

So, I'll leave you with two questions.  First, do you have any nicknames that you love and/or hate?  And second, what do you think about the second opinion doctor thing?

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The ultrasound photo

Yeah, I could have added it to the last post, but I'm tired, and in pain, and grouchy.  


This is the picture of the cyst inside the cyst.  This is the 10cm cyst.  

This is also a picture of a picture, so the quality isn't that great.  My scanner doesn't work with my computer anymore because (geek stuff ahead) its a 32-bit program and my computer now uses a 64-bit.  (you know what the best part of that sentence is?  I understand none of it, but I smile and nod as my hubby says it!)

Update on my Update

Well holy hell.

Got to the doctor this afternoon, and after talking to me we head to the ultrasound room.  I got my first experience with a vaginal ultrasound, and I didn't feel as violated as I thought I would.

But that's probably because of what we saw.  Two cysts.  One on each ovary.  Huge cysts.  One is 10cm and the other is 8cm.  Holy. Hell.  Wait, actually its three.  One of the cysts has a cyst inside it.  Yeah.

I brought home one of the ultrasound pictures because, holy hell, who would believe this without pictures?  I'm working on getting it scanned in so I can upload it. 

Anywho, that explains all the problems I've been having.  It explains the pain, and the using the bathroom a lot.  The damn cysts are pushing against my bladder and my uterus.  Oh, and it didn't look like anybody was in the later.  My mom is still holding out hope, but for me its gone.

The doctor was floored when he saw the size of the cysts.  Especially since I was just in there in May for my annual exam.  So then he gave me another "hands on" exam (for lack of a better term) and he still could barely feel them, and that's because he knew what he was looking for this time.  They are a lot higher than they should be.

By the time I got dressed and met the doctor back in his office, he was googling large cysts from clomid.  That's right interwebs, my doctor googles!  He says these are the biggest cysts he's ever seen, and that kinda scares me as he's been an obgyn for 20+ years. 

So, we're obviously taking some time off from TTC.  I'm going back on birth control as soon as AF shows up, and I go back into the doctor in a month to see if they've shrunk.  If they haven't, I get to have surgery. 

Had to share!

Ok, I'm not supposed to log on here while at work, but I couldn't resist posting this!


My doctors appointment is at 2:30 this afternoon, Mountain Time.  I'm kind of nervous to find out what's going on in there, but I hope that they can tell me whats going on.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Update

So. . .

It's been a long trying day.  It started this morning at 6am when I woke up in such excruciating pain that I made my husband take me to the hospital.  Well, the hospital parking lot.  By the time we got there the pain was starting to lessen.  We waited in the parking lot for 20 minutes and the pain kept going down, so I decided to head home.  By 8am the pain was back to manageable again, and I called in a left a message with my OBGYNs nurse. 

Now, if you've followed my blog you know I have problems with this nurse.  She doesn't check her messages regularly, and then she usually ends up calling me back and telling me nothing of value.  I left the message at 8, and didn't get a call back from the obgyn until 4:30 this afternoon. You'd think if someone called and left a message complaining of severe abdominal pain, you'd call em back faster.  Sigh.
 
The phone call:

The doc called me as I was leaving work.  He told me that the beta was negative.  I get to go in to the doctor tomorrow for an ultrasound to see if they can figure out what is causing all this pain.  He's worried that my ovaries might have over stiumlated.  Yeah, not really excited for tomorrow.

Get this though.  He said to me "Just because this is negative doesn't mean you might not be pregnant.  It could just be to early for it to show on a blood test" Nice try doc, but I'm on to you!

And I'm going to use today's disappointment as another barrier to keep Hope in her closet.  Any ideas on how to find the french fry in this situation?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Hope, or "Who let that b**** out of the closet?"

For all things holy, those of you battling IF know how painful hope can be.  I try to keep my hope locked in a closet, and barricaded by all of my insecurities and disappointments.  Usually this works quite well.  Until yesterday (cue the dramatic music)

Yesterday I went in to see my OBGYN because I KNEW I had a bladder infection.  I had pain, you know, down there, and I feel like I have to go, and then nada.  Seemed pretty classic UTI stuff to me.  So I go in, and wait for an hour because some preggers gal had an emergency.  Sigh.

Then themostfabulousdoctor comes in and sits down to talk to me.  And he sighs, and says "You don't have a bladder infection.  There is some bacteria in your sample (and on a side note, thanks to IF I now pee in a cup like a pro!) but not enough to warrant the pain you are feeling"  And then he has me describe the pain, which is all over my lower abdomen, kind of like cramps, or what cramps would feel like if they carried switchblades and had attitudes.  I mean to tell you the pain woke me up out of a dead sleep!

And then he smiles and says "I think you might be pregnant"  OMGWTFBBQ. . . what?  And he asks about other things "Do your breasts hurt" check "Are you feeling nauseated?" double check.  Of course, I still know better than him right?  After all I know all about IPS (imaginary pregnancy symptoms).

Then he takes the last step towards that hope closet, and swings open the door by saying "I've had quite a few women in your situation, dealing with infertility, and I've had them come in complaining of the same pain.  Then a few weeks later we find out they are pregnant." 

Holy mother of all that's holy (yeah, its redundant, deal with it) he went and did it.  He let that b**** of hope out of her closet.  And she's been nagging me all day. 

Seriously, someone needs to take themostfabulousdoctor aside and let him know that it isn't cool to give me hope.

He took blood.  I'll have results soon.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Catch Up

Ok, so here's yet another post where I play catch up with my followers!  I really never intend to go this long between blog entries, but then something happens. . . And then I feel guilty about not writing, and so I put it off for a couple more days (because no one wants to read my guilt).  And pretty soon its been forever since I wrote anything!

So here, in bullet form (I heart bulleted lists!) is what has been going on in my corner of the interwebs:

  • I'm about 90% certain that I get to keep my job.  My pending unemployment has been something I chose not to blog about, because, honestly, one depressing topic is enough for a blog!  I was told last year that come September 12th of this year, I would be laid off.  Now it's looking like funding has been approved, but nothing is official yet.  It would mean another year of employment, and another year of insurance!
  • My mom has accepted a job offer.  She has been unemployed for almost 8 months.  She starts at her new job in a couple of weeks.  The company she is going to work for even said they would work around her broken arm until it heals.  Pretty darn exciting!
  • And speaking of my mom's broken arm, she had an x-ray again last week, and it showed where there is new bone growing.  She still has 4 more weeks in the sling, but she says it's feeling better every day. 
  • We had a big family pool party at my in laws a couple weekends ago.  That's where the picture of Moo in a life vest came from.  My father in law can be a bit of an ass, and last year threw Moo into their pool several times.  Now, most dogs might sink a little from the throw, but then would swim out.  Not Moo.  Once water goes over his head, he figures he's done for and sinks.  I got sick of jumping in and saving him, and bought the life vest.  Best $20 I've ever spent!  My FIL threw Moo into the pool again this year, but Moo floated to the top, and thanks to the handy dandy handle on the back of his life vest, I didn't even have to get in the water to get him out!
  • Me and the husband are still working away at making the hot tub use able.  We've got it up on the platform, and wired.  But now it appears the pump isn't working.  Sigh. 
I think that's about it.  Nothing really exciting going on.  We've been really laid back and relaxed this month (I hate the word relax).  We've been enjoying spending time with family, spending time in our yard, and killing new monsters on our computer games.  What, not everyone does that?

Friday, July 16, 2010

Just wanted to share. . .

 . . .Moo in a life vest, isn't he precious!


I know the photo quality isn't great (it was after all taken on a phone).  I had to share it though.  This picture makes me smile every time I see it.

I promise a longer post soon.  I have no reason, other than laziness, for my lack of posting.

Friday, July 2, 2010

F*** my Life

Last night I stopped at the pharmacy to get a refill on my thyroid meds.  I got cut off by a lady who figured she was more important.  This lady then proceeds to yell at the pharmacy staff and pharmacist because the "Plan B" meds she got this time were not the same as the ones she got before.

First, why the hell is she fertile?  Not fair.

Second, she's taken the medicine enough to be able to complain that it looks different?

At least I wasn't there to get my clomid.  I might have jumped her then.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Update on My Mom

Sorry that this update is a day late.  I was going to update last night, but my computer was being used in a computer game between my husband and his friends. 

So, my mom went into the doctor yesterday, and he looked at her x-rays, and indeed something is broken.  She actually has three fractures, two small ones and a big one.  Picture your arm bone.  You know where it turns ball shaped to fit into the shoulder socket?  That's where her arm is broken.  There is a fracture all the way through it, and then two smaller fractures on each side.  She's going to be in a sling for 6 weeks, but as of now, no surgery will be needed.  She has to go back to the doctor in two weeks for more x-rays to see how she is healing.

Thanks for your kind thoughts!  It meant a lot to me to have your support!  I'll keep you updated if anything changes!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

My mom scared a few years off my life today.  I tried calling her in the morning, and when I couldn't reach her, decided it must be because she was walking the dogs.  An hour later, I get a phone call from my dad that starts with, "Now don't panic, but I just brought your Mom home from the hospital."  Don't panic?  Right. . .

My mom took a really bad fall while walking the dogs (see, I was half right).  She got tangled up in the leashes, and the next thing she remembers is being on the ground in pain.  She walked back home with the dogs, and off they went to the emergency room.  When she fell, she jammed up her arm bone into her shoulder socket.  She told me at first that nothing was broken, but when I talked to her tonight, she said she had broken something.  I haven't seen her to find out whats going on.  I was actually forbidden to come down today.

She's in a sling, and on some pain meds, and she has to go in and visit an orthopedic guy on Monday.  She sounds like she ok (as ok as she can be) and I'll know more tomorrow. 

Any good thoughts and or prayers you can send her way would be greatly appreciated!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Corners

My sister in law R is 8 weeks 3 days pregnant.  She sent me a text message with a picture of her little bean.  I'm really happy for her, honestly I am.  But sad for myself too.  Maybe if I weren't trying I could be happy for her, totally, unreservedly happy for her.  Then I start to question why I'm putting myself through this.  Maybe I shouldn't be a mom.  I've always felt that I would have a problem getting pregnant; maybe that was the universe's way of getting me ready to accept it.

My heart is aching a bit today.  I've been left behind again.  My one real life friend who had this problem has entered another phase of her life, and I can't join her.  I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to, anyone who really understands, except this blog.

My husband is trying to understand.  But he's 100% positive that we will get pregnant.  He has no doubts in his mind that we are just at a road block.  And while that's nice to have in my corner, it's frustrating when I'm feeling down.  I can't talk to him about feeling sad, because he tells me that "negative thinking won't help."  Well positive thinking sure ain't helping either at the moment.

I thought that my mom would be a great person to have in my corner, and she was at the beginning.  But now she's convinced that I am not relaxing enough.  That if i just relax and stop taking the pills, I'll get pregnant.  In face, according to Dr. Mom that's why my sister in law R got pregnant. She relaxed (after taking the clomid, mind you) and bam, she gets pregnant.  Yep, it's all because she relaxed.  So, talking to her just makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.

So, while I'm happy for her, and for all of you who have gotten your BFPs, you'll have to excuse me while I pour myself a drink and grieve in a corner.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Cycle Day 1 and Other Bullet Points

I know its been awhile.  I promise I don't set out to be away this long!  I have a good excuse this time, I swear.  I had no internet.  And while I can read your blogs at work, I can't comment on them or write my own.  I swear I've been going through withdrawals. 

Without further ado, the bullet points:

  • My cycle started again today.  Which is probably a blessing considering how sick I was last month and all the stuff I ended up taking.  And while I know and accept this fact in my head, my heart is a little sad tonight.
  • My sister in law R announced that she is pregnant Saturday.  She's the one who has been trying for two years and is my real life infertile friend.  I am 95% happy for her, and I think the other 5% is jealousy.  But I'm trying to talk myself out of it.  
  • My garden is growing like crazy, so at least I can grow things somewhere!  We've harvested a few strawberries, and a couple of pea pods.  I'll post a new picture soon so you can see the changes!
  • My sweet husband built the platform that the hot tub will be going on, so we are one step closer to actually being able to use it!  Yeah!
  • I've referenced a bad time in my life a couple of times.  The last time I talked about it was telling you that Sparky saved my life.  And I've been trying to come up with a post to tell you about it, but it still hurts to much.  But I felt the need to talk about it, so here's the basics: I moved out with my first boyfriend who turned out to be a not so nice guy.  I didn't feel I deserved better (at the time) and would have probably stayed with him.  Until he kicked Sparky.  We both moved home that weekend.
  • Being able to (finally) move on from that bad time in my life helps me to know that no matter how bad my life seems right now, I will be able to rise above it given enough time and love.
I think that's about it.  I feel like I could have written a post about each bullet point!  I couldn't pick just one though.  So you get another mish mashed post.  I hope that you are all doing well, and continue to stay happy!