Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Ouch Factor - A Rant

Life is funny.  I can go days without thinking about how I can't have a baby on my own without medical intervention.  And then in one night, I get hit with many different reminders of how I am different.  Thank God for my sister in law R., who is going through the same thing.  I was able to talk to her tonight, and it helped.  A lot.

Tonight was a bridal shower for a cousin of my hubbys.  She is getting married in two weeks, and is so happy.  And I'm happy for her.  I show up at the shower, and its full of her friends, and soon to be in laws.  And kids.  Lot of kids.  And I'm looking around, and none of the moms look over the age of 20.  Seriously, they all look 12.  That's probably my ripe old age of 27 talking, but they looked so young.  And I thought, they all look so happy.

I made an offhand comment to my other sister in law, J. (the one with a child) about how young the moms all look.  She responds "Does that make you hurt?"  Wow, really?  Um, here, can you push the knife in a little deeper, I think you missed my heart.  I'm sure in her mind she was being nice, and trying to be supportive.  Sometimes people don't realize that what they say hurts.

Fast forward to present opening time.  And the cousin, who is all of 19 by the way, opens a card from a friend.  And inside this card is a coupon: "One Free Night of Babysitting"  Because we all know that's how it works right?  Find the man of your dreams, get engaged, get married in the temple (utah mormon reference), and have plenty of babies.  That knife that missed my heart before?  I'm pretty sure I'm hemorrhaging now.

My sister in law R. catches my eye from across the room, and we share a pained look.  And somehow, that makes it feel a little better, makes me feel a little less alone.  Because I want that for my cousin.  I want everything to work perfectly for her.  I don't want her to feel what I feel.

After the quick shot of confidence, another cousin asks me about me and my hubby's lack of children.  And I refuse to make my inability to have kids be a secret.  So I tell her about what we are going through, give her a synopsis of "The Plan."  She seems impressed by what we are going through, and seems to be nice about it, and then WHAM.  She says "Sometimes I wish I hadn't been able to have kids.  They can be so hard."

What. The. Hell.  Really?  That's so comforting.  I mean, I guess I should be grateful that I don't have those kids yet.  I would hate to go through something hard.

I know she didn't mean it that way.  I know she was trying to make an uncomfortable subject easier to be around.  I understand, and I still love her.  But.Ouch.

I talked with R. after the shower.  And I honestly wish she wasn't going through this too, but God, its great to have someone to talk with about this.  We're both still positive, and trying to be upbeat.

I talked with my hubby about what happened tonight, and he was so great.  He said "I'm sorry my family was out to get you tonight."  He didn't try to justify what they said, just hugged me and was right there on my side.

I will get through this.


  1. Even though I'm a 27-year-old woman who can't get pregnant, I don't think I know what this would feel like, because I never had any hope that I would be able to in the first place.

    Still, I know you're strong, and I also know you will get through this. <3

    I'd like to hear about "The Plan" some time, unless I missed it somewhere in your previous posts. =)

  2. I think that the universe doesn't give us things we can't handle. It may give us things we can't handle on our own, but it will give us friends to help us along the way! I look back on us at 16, and how confident I was that nothing would ever go wrong, and yet, here we are, both battling something bigger than us. We will come through it ok, even if we don't end up where we thought we would.

    I have actually blogged about "The Plan." It's a few posts back. If I was cool, I'd know how to link you back there from this comment. (I vow to someday be that cool).

    Thanks for your friendship, Beeps.

  3. Isn't it nice to have a real life person that is having struggles too?!? I hate that my sister (well I hate it for everyone going through this!) is having a hard time but it is so nice to have he right there with me struggling an understanding!