Friday, May 20, 2011

It never goes away

So here I sit.  Happy and 27 weeks pregnant.  (Holy shit, 27 is a lot of weeks!)  And IF is never far from my mind.  I may have won a battle against PCOS and IF, but I know many who are still out on the front lines fighting the war.

IF came back and smacked me today.  I received a bill for a test done last September; a progesterone test.  And I noticed in the bill that the insurance hadn't paid any of it.  And I couldn't figure out why.  So I called the place that billed me, and was told the insurance wouldn't pay because it was related to infertility.  I know, I know, I should have seen that one coming.  But I felt so blindsided.

I was so frustrated, so angry, that I said to the woman on the other end of the line "I know it's not your fault, but that really pisses me off.  It's like they keep finding ways to screw you over!"  And you know what the nice lady said to me?  She told me, "I know.  I've been there.  I've fought your battles.  And it is hard, and they do screw you over."

Well that caught me off guard.  I told her that I was pregnant, and due in August, and she genuinely sounded happy for me.  I asked her if she'd made it through the battle, and she got quiet, and in a voice that I can only describe as pure happiness, she said "Yes".

This quick conversation really got me thinking.  IF never goes away.  Even if I choose to only have this one child, IF will always be there.  If I choose to fight again for another child, I'll be facing the battles again.  But just because I've won this battle, it doesn't mean that IF is no longer there.  There will always be people fighting in the front lines.  I just hope I can support them like they supported me.

1 comment:

  1. Doesn't it suck? It robs you of the joy. Fight back! Enjoy THIS pregnancy, THIS baby and try not to let IF creep in on you.

    And once more being open let's someone else share! Happened to me as well today. Twice. And you know what? I was able to pass along a clinic name and ideas for how to get help. She looked at me and I could just see the relief on her face, the look that said, "OMG I am not crazy and maybe someone can help." She thanked me. She has a child, but had 2 m/c and an ectopic before, and 2 since.

    Being pissed off, speaking out - it helps others. And it is something that we can feel good about. That somehow we can help. Remember that. So try, for a little bit, to forget how we go thriugh this again. And remember that little moment today when you bonded with someone...and felt true understanding.