Mother's Day

Warning: Rant below.  The rant does deal with pregnancy, but also with life, so if you don't feel like reading, I understand.

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  My first Mother's Day with a baby.  Yes, she's still an inside baby, but she's mine.  I looked back at last Mother's Day.  The day I tested and got yet another BFN.  And cried.  And ate a whole tub of ice cream.  My heart aches for the me of last year.  My heart aches for all the other women who don't have their dream baby yet.  It was a surreal day where a part of me was happy to be where I'm at, and another part of me wanted so much to pull each and every woman who is still struggling across the chasm to be with me.  It doesn't feel 100% right to be here when others aren't. 

Saturday night I make a point of reminding The Husband, yet again how important Sunday is for me.  I even spell it out: "I want you to acknowledge the day with a gift.  Doesn't have to be big, but something"  That's a good hint for a guy right?  When I tell him this, his friend is sitting next to him (they were getting ready to play computer games) and the friend looks at me and says "You're not even a Mother.  Not really"

Friend almost got kicked upside the head.  And so did The Husband when he responds to Friend "Yeah, I know.  I've tried logic with her, and she never listens"  The Husband and Friend proceed to laugh, while I'm still standing there.  Oh, such anger.  I told them to have a great night (laced with sarcasm) and went to my room (yes, at that point The Husband wasn't going to get to sleep in there) and shut the door.  And promptly burst into tears.

I forget sometimes how men can be so utterly clueless.  I sat on my bed and cried until my throat was raw and my eyes were puffy.  I cried because I didn't understand how he could make such a callous comment when he had watched my, our, struggles to get pregnant up close.  I cried because I didn't understand how he could take the side of Friend when I'm The Wife.  He didn't marry Friend, he married me.  I cried because I felt that he didn't feel that Anna was worth enough to celebrate. 

I cried and cried, and must have been not as quiet as I thought I was, because The Husband came into my room.  And asked me why I was crying.  And then got upset with me when I told him why.  Men.  He said that neither he nor Friend had meant to make me upset.  That it was a joke.  Harmless.  I told The Husband that it was a shitty joke, and completely fucked up.  I stopped crying.  But didn't really forgive either of them.

Woke up Sunday morning to a present and a card.  Not sure when The Husband went shopping but I suspect it was after TearFest 2011.  He got me a card and signed Anna's name, and both of the fur kids.  And in the card he wrote how happy he was to become a Dad.  And I forgave him a little more.  And then the present was a new purse, which I love.  Especially knowing that he thinks my love of purses is a waste of money.  And I forgave him a little more. 

He's now allowed back in our bedroom.  At least for the time being.