Hot Flashes and Hope

So here I am on day 4 of my 5 day 'mid routine.  And mother of all things good, I am so freakin hot!  At this point I vow never to make fun of my mom when she has hot flashes again.  It started yesterday, but I didn't think to much of it because it was warm yesterday.  But today at work was another matter.  I'd be feeling perfectly normal, and then WHAM.  The hot flash hits, and suddenly I want to strip off everything!  Can you say miserable? 

Add this to the fact that I was completing a big ol nasty project at work that was assigned to me and Dingbat.  Dingbat had other things to do, so I have been working on the project myself.  No, I'm really not that nice, I honestly didn't want her to screw it up.  See, I'm a bad person!  Anyway, remember last week when I couldn't breathe?  I asked Dingbat to take over the project (because it was due today) when I left Wednesday because I wasn't feeling well.  I told her I didn't think I would be in the next day, and I would appreciate her help.  And she agreed. 

When I got back to work today, I noticed she had sent out emails telling those in charge that she was taking over the project I had dropped the ball on (WTF).  And, AND, on top of that, she didn't even finish it!  Ok, I know, some of this anger is clo.mid related.  But (excuse me here while I cuss out loud) What. The. Fuck.  I thought it might be the case, so I had come into work early today.  And when Dingbat finally shows up almost 30 minutes later than she was supposed to, do you know what she says to me?  "Finally you came back" 

Interwebs, I'm not going to lie.  I kind of lost it.  I looked at Dingbat and said "You know what?  I was really sick.  I'm still sick, but today I can function.  So I came back.  But Thursday night I stopped breathing because of my asthma" (ok, thats an exaggeration, but deal with it).  And she says, "Oh, I didn't know.  I thought you just skipped work."  Grrr.  Whatever, I sent her and my supervisor an email letting them know I would be out, and she responded to it! 

Ok, I'm calming down now.  I did damage control when I got to work.  I sent an email to the attorney requesting the big ol nasty project and attatched a copy of what I had done, and let him know that I would have it finished by close of business today.  I told my supervisor that I wasn't going to be able to take on any new tasks today because of the project.  And I was able to get it done by the time I left today.  Phew!

On to the hope part of this blog post.  I went to the accupuncturist after work.  If there was ever a day I needed relaxation you can bet it was today.  Today the acupuncture session was focused on my ovaries (Yeah!).  As I was laying there, trying to clear my mind and think positive things, I was overwhelmed with this strange sensation.  It took me awhile, and then I knew, it was hope.  And that hope was followed very quickly by fear. 

I finally feel as if I am working in the right direction to get a baby, and that is so exciting.  Just the thought that this could be "The Month" leaves me giddy.  But it also leaves me feeling vulnerable, and scared, and alone.  I'm a little nervous to let hope out of the closet I'd locked her in a few months ago.  If she comes out, she'll bring her friends: vulnerability and fear.  And I don't like her friends.