Corners

My sister in law R is 8 weeks 3 days pregnant.  She sent me a text message with a picture of her little bean.  I'm really happy for her, honestly I am.  But sad for myself too.  Maybe if I weren't trying I could be happy for her, totally, unreservedly happy for her.  Then I start to question why I'm putting myself through this.  Maybe I shouldn't be a mom.  I've always felt that I would have a problem getting pregnant; maybe that was the universe's way of getting me ready to accept it.

My heart is aching a bit today.  I've been left behind again.  My one real life friend who had this problem has entered another phase of her life, and I can't join her.  I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to, anyone who really understands, except this blog.

My husband is trying to understand.  But he's 100% positive that we will get pregnant.  He has no doubts in his mind that we are just at a road block.  And while that's nice to have in my corner, it's frustrating when I'm feeling down.  I can't talk to him about feeling sad, because he tells me that "negative thinking won't help."  Well positive thinking sure ain't helping either at the moment.

I thought that my mom would be a great person to have in my corner, and she was at the beginning.  But now she's convinced that I am not relaxing enough.  That if i just relax and stop taking the pills, I'll get pregnant.  In face, according to Dr. Mom that's why my sister in law R got pregnant. She relaxed (after taking the clomid, mind you) and bam, she gets pregnant.  Yep, it's all because she relaxed.  So, talking to her just makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.

So, while I'm happy for her, and for all of you who have gotten your BFPs, you'll have to excuse me while I pour myself a drink and grieve in a corner.