Thinking Time

I wrote this post Tuesday when I was sitting in court:

How much do you know about fingerprint analysis?  After today I know a lot more than I ever thought I would, more than I will ever need to know.  I'm sitting here in court, waiting for cross examination of this witness to be over, so I can get the next witness.  And until I can get the next witness, I don't have anything to do.

As always, given the time to think, my brain jumps to my IF.  I don't have a diagnosis of IF (infertility) from the doctor.  Not one in writing at least.  And I haven't been trying tor the requisite year.  It's only been 10 months.  10 months and 4 cycles.  Which is why I went into the doctor in January.  And why the doctor gave me a hypothesized diagnosis of PCOS, and helped to set The Plan into motion.

I'm halfway done with the first part of The Plan.  I'm halfway through my second month of birth control.  If everything goes perfectly, on what I feel is our first "real" try, we could have a baby by this time next year.

Part of me is so hopeful.  The other part of me has already given up.  In the back of my mind I'm already trying to figure out how to pay for an IUI, IVF, or adoption.  I'm trying to figure out how far I will go before I stop.

Why do I do this to myself?  Am I trying to prepare myself for heartache?  Am I just sabotaging any happiness I have?

I truly feel alone in this process.  My sister in law, R, is going through this, and that helps.  But I feel my husband doesn't understand how I feel, and that my mother can't comprehend why I focus on this.  Other people with blogs have such great support.  I don't feel I belong there.  I have no official diagnosis of IF.  I haven't been trying a whole year.  As far as we know, the only problem we have with trying to conceive is me, and my lack of ovulation, potentially from PCOS.

So where does that leave me?