Did you hear the one about pregnant women and vivid dreams?

Cause I sure hadn't. At least until I googled it this morning.  Why did I google it?  Because I had one scary f-ed up dream last night.

In my dream I dreamt that I woke up, and there were a couple of silver dollar sized spiders on my covers looking at me.  (FYI, I HATE spiders.  Hate).  It didn't feel like I was dreaming, it felt very real, and I felt very much like I had to get out of that bed and run away.

Which I did.  But not in the dream.  Nope, I got up and ran to the computer room, still in the throws of my nightmare and screamed at the husband to "Go kill those f-ing spiders!"  Yeah, apparently I scared the shit out of him.  Being the good husband he is, he went in and shook out all of the covers and told me that the bed was safe.

Which was about the time I woke up and realized how silly this whole thing was.  I mean really?  Big spiders are rare where we live to begin with, but in the winter time?  They die.  Or at least that's what I tell myself.

Don't be to proud of me for laughing at myself.  I still watched the husband check out the bed before I got back into it.  A girl can never be to safe.

NuMom2B Study - UPDATED

Ok, I'm putting this out there interwebs, because I can't really make up my mind.  I received an information pamphlet at my first prenatal visit about this study.  The study is to help determine why many first time moms have complications.  I looked through the brochure and saw one great plus, three free ultrasounds!

I sent off an email to the study leader asking for more information.  I received an answer today.  Basically they would have me go in for three extra visits and they would collect blood, urine and vaginal secretions (their words, not mine) and then do an ultrasound.  Then at the time of delivery (please let us make it that far) they would collect a sample of the placenta and cord blood.  They provide compensation up to $50, and they say there are no risks involved.  The study would not directly benefit me, but it could help new moms in the future.

So what do you think?  Part of me is thinking "Yes! Go for it! Help other women! Plus get to see the baby more often!" and the other part of me is thinking "Wait.  Just because they say there are no risks, doesn't mean something bad won't happen.  Do you dare risk the baby for $50?"

Gah!  I'm so torn!
---------------------------------------
OK, after reading the comments from Robin and Kakuna, I realized I'm probably way over-thinking this whole thing and responded back to the study coordinator.  Now I guess we wait and see!

The Announcement, Part 2

So after dealing with the bitch we went to the husbands grandmas house.  On the drive up, I was really nervous about what his family was going to say.  I worried that I'd encounter another version of my cousin, and I just knew I wasn't going to be able to handle that.  Finally, I decided that I was going through with it.  The husbands family deserved to know.  And again, if something goes wrong, I want and need their support.

So we get to Grandma's house, and everyone starts unwrapping presents from Grandma, and watching her unwrap the ones we gave her.  The husband gave his mom the package with her ornament in it when we got there, but told her not to open it until we said it was ok.  Soon, all the presents were unwrapped, and we told my MIL to open her gift.  She starts reading it "Cookies in the Oven.  I don't get it"  I told her to keep reading, and she reads "Due in August" and still has this totally confused look on her face.  And then one of the cousins gets it, and looks at me, and I'll be damned if I'm not crying again.  Then someone shouts "Amber's having a baby!!" and everyone starts screaming and running over and hugging me.  And we're all crying and blubbering and making fools of ourselves.  It was a truly special moment.

When everything starts to calm down, I told the ladies in the husbands family about what the cousin said.  They were all justifiably shocked and outraged that she would say such a thing.  I told them how I had gone upstairs and cried, and you know what the husbands Grandma said to me? (excuse me for a second while i wipe my eyes again)

She said, "If we were there, we would have cried with you"  Wow.  Just wow.  Do I have awesome in laws or what?
--------------------------------------
Ok, tears have dried.  Almost.  Ok, not really.  But here's the third part of the story.

The husbands mom cannot keep a secret.  AT ALL.  Which is part of the reason we announced it at the husbands Grandma's house to begin with.  We figured it would be easier on her if everyone found out at once.

Forgot she had friends.

She's posted a picture of the ornament we gave her on facebook.  The congratulations are coming in and being posted on my wall.  I give up.  It sure is nice to know how many people out there are supporting us.  But I feel like a fraud.  I wanted to (and still will) make my own post describing how amazing a blessing being pregnant is, and how it took so long to get here, but it was worth the struggle and all that.  I worry that other friends of mine that are struggling are feeling the pain of another announcement.  But I'm just not ready to go that public.  People can assume at this point, but until I see a heartbeat, I'm staying quiet on facebook.

The Announcement: The good and the bad

I'm thinking that I'm going to have to break this up into a couple of posts.  But first we'll start with the inevitable.  By telling our families, we've now been outed on Facebook.  Yeah.  Wasn't ready for that.  For the most part, everyones reactions have been great.  Except my cousins, who shall now be known as family members that are on the shit list, or mother f-ers.  Take your pick.  I'll get to that part though.

First, my parents reaction.  We went to their house yesterday morning to open presents.  We hid my parents presents and waited until all the gifts were opened.  They were getting ready to head up and make breakfast, and we told them that they both still had one present left.  I also made them open them at the same time.  Mom opened her ornament, and got really quiet.  She looked at me, and I started crying and she just kept saying "really?"  Dad opened his present which was a University of Utah onesie.  Which he promptly put on his present pile and started to walk away.  Mom said to him "Dad, don't you know what that is?" and he responded "Yeah, it's another outfit for the damn dog."  Seriously, I almost died then.  So then Mom shows him the ornament, and he gets this big ol smile on his face.  It was awesome.  Truly just as magical as I hoped it would be.

But once mom had that ornament, she didn't want to let it go.  She started showing everyone.  And I decided to relax, because it was family, and they love me.

Until the cousin bitch showed up.  I'm having my moment of happiness, and you know what she says to me? "You shouldn't have told anyone.  You're going to have a miscarriage." And walked away.

I know there are risks.  I know that just being pregnant doesn't mean I'll have a baby in nine months.  I know how many baby loss mommas are out there.  But I was within the safety of my family, surrounded by people that I assumed loved me and would support me.  For her to tell me that in such a callous way cut me to the core.

I ran upstairs and cried for about twenty minutes.  I was heartbroken.  I still am, quite honestly.  And those little niggling doubts that have been in my head since seeing the positive?  They have become huge screaming monsters.  I don't want her to be right.  I don't want to lose this baby.  But if that happens, at least I know I have the love of most of my family to support me.

Wow, sorry for the long rant.  I'm just really upset, and don't see myself getting over this anytime soon.

Anyway, I'll write another post soon telling you how we announced it to his family, and why we've been outed on facebook.  It's been an interesting weekend.

Short and Sweet

We had our first pregnancy ultrasound today.  The baby is measuring at 5 weeks 4 days.  We saw a flicker on the screen, but its not a confirmed heartbeat.

No pictures, as the quality wasn't that great.  I have my next appointment January 7th.  I'm hoping my mom can come with me to that one.

Wishing all of you a happy and safe Christmas weekend!

An interesting week.

Well, Interwebs, I finally found a way to tell my mom.  I found a really cute ornament to give her.  It arrived yesterday, and it is so cute!  It was a little more then I wanted to spend, especially after shipping, but it made me smile.  I got my dad a University of Utah onesie, since he's a huge fan.  I hope I am able to get them to open their presents at the same time.

In other news (ok, not really) did you know its really hard to keep a secret?  I went out last night with my sister in laws R & J to get pedicures.  R is pregnant and due in January (and after getting preggers denied that she had IF) and J is a baby loss momma.  They quizzed me for a good twenty minutes on what I was doing to get knocked up.  Asked how things were going, when would I have the results from the last cycle, why wasn't I changing doctors.  Holy crap!  I hope they aren't to mad that I lied through my teeth when they find out at Christmas.

And in non anything to do with fertility news, my toes are adorable!  Well, as adorable as toes can get.  I had a blast hanging out with the girls last night.  It was a great break from everything.  I love my SILs, even when they get on my nerves.  But then, I guess that's what sisters do.

Hope y'all have a great weekend!

An update

Well, I took another test this morning (a different kind) and the plus sign popped out before the control line did.  Huh.  I guess that means it worked, eh?

I'll be honest, aside from a few moments of absolute giddyness, I've been kind of numb.  Ok, really numb.  The only thing that keeps running through my head is "OMG, are we ready for this? What were we thinking? Parents? We can't be parents. . . "

The other thing that keeps going through my head is how to tell my parents.  Since I'm an only kid, this will be their first grandbaby.  (whoa, I just said grandbaby)  I want to do something fun, and surprise them on Christmas.  But that's as far as I've gotten.  Ideas?  I did buy my mom a digital picture frame for Christmas, so I was thinking I could use that somehow.  HELP!

And most important, thank you thank you thank you for being happy for me.  I'm going to have to let you guys be the happy ones for awhile.  I'm still in shock.  But it's so comforting to know that there is happiness out in the universe for my little one.
-------------------------------------
I hope it goes without saying, but I'm paranoid.  If you know me in real life, please don't say anything anywhere but on here!  This is my (and the Interwebs) big secret for the moment.

Is it?

Scared

That's right.  I'm scared.  Want to know why?  I'm scared because AF was due Saturday.  Sunday at the latest. And she hasn't shown up.  I've had cramps since last Wednesday.  I keep running to the bathroom expecting to see AF, but nothing.  No spotting, just cramps.  And nausea.  And sore boobs.  And exhaustion.

I'm scared to test.  Scared to hope that we might be pregnant.  Scared to test and see a negative and slam into despair.  I feel as though I'm walking a tightrope, and one wrong step will send me spiraling down, down, down into dark depression.

I just need to keep walking forward, keeping my eyes on the prize.  I feel as though if I reach for the pregnancy test, I will fall off the rope, and I'm scared to take that risk.  I want to go back to last month and tell myself that we should sit this cycle out.  The potential for pain is to great.  If you don't get the positive you've been waiting for, it will make Christmas unbearable. 

I'm scared.

We interupt this blog to bring you a cycle update

I came to the conclusion at lunch today that I haven't blogged about this cycle. . . Hmm (checking blog posts). . . apparently I haven't told you anything about my cycle for awhile.  What kind of infertility blog is this anyway?

Today we are beginning week two of the dreaded two week wait.  Do I feel positive about this cycle?  Yes and no.  We BD on time, but with the husbands SA results being inconclusive, that kind of throws a damper in the whole thing.

Wait, what do you mean I didn't tell you about the SA?  I could have sworn I wouldn't have let something that big slip!  I did?  Well, here's the quick version.  My doctor offers to do an in office analysis for free.  FREE.  Yes, it doesn't go into as many details as the professional ones, but we figured we'd take him up on it, because, FREE.  The doc said the numbers looked good, but that the viscosity worried him.  Dr. Google told me that if the fluid is too thick after a certain amount of time, it doesn't matter how many swimmers you have, they can't get free.  So, we have a script for a new SA, at an andrology lab.  Sigh.  It will be $145, not covered by insurance (big surprise, eh?).  $20 of that $145 is for the sample cup.  I, obviously, am in the wrong business.

Let's add that to the fact that by switching to my husbands insurance, the drugs for the month jumped from $25 to $150.  For ten little pills.  Yes, I know I was spoiled before.  I realize that having insurance cover any part of IF is a miracle.  But really?  Ouch!  I cried at the beginning of this cycle, not because I wasn't pregnant, but because of the increase in medication cost!  Ok, and maybe a little because I wasn't pregnant.

So there it is, my cycle in review.  AF is scheduled to arrive Saturday or Sunday.  I'm already having cramps, which is just annoying.  I've got my money saved up for the next round of drugs, in case it didn't take this month.  And, I figured out we'll be ovulating around Christmas next cycle.  Wouldn't that be an awesome present?

Wordless Wednesday: My week in a picture

The long awaited Snickerdoodle Recipe!!

(Haha, take that Pillsbury!  A good looking final product picture!!)

Magical Snickerdoodles 

(I've written the recipe as I received it, the notes in parentheses are my own additions)

1/2 c butter, soft

1/2 c shortening

1 1/2 c white sugar

2 eggs

2 tsp vanilla

2 3/4 c flour

2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

snickerdoodle outside

2 tbsp white sugar

2 tsp ground cinnamon

First, preheat your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.  Then cream together butter, shortening, 1 1/2 c sugar, eggs and vanilla.  Blend in flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt.

Mix together 2 tbsp white sugar and 2 tsp ground cinnamon.  Shape dough into 1 1/2 inch balls (no need to be precise, ish works.)  Roll balls in cinnamon sugar mixture and place 2 in apart on ungreased baking sheets. (I wasn't this precise and they still worked out great!).

Bake only 8 minutes (seriously, just 8 minutes.  They won't look done, but they are.  Trust me).  Remove immediately from baking sheet to baking racks to cool.

Once they've cooled (at least a little bit), enjoy!