6 weeks old

Baby Girl is six weeks old.  There are days when I feel like the time has flown by, and other days where I feel like it's been the longest six weeks of my life.  Being a parent is hard.  Parenting a newborn is hard.  Doing both while struggling with depression is worse then hard.  It fucking sucks.

Two weeks after Baby Girl was born, I was put on a bigger dose of my anti-depressants.  I've been struggling with depression for years (since 8th grade).  I saw the signs in myself that things were deteriorating, and I took steps to correct it as soon as I could.  The medicine has helped, but so has reaching out to friends and family.  Depression should not be dealt with quietly.  In order to brighten up the dark spots in my life, I need to open them up to people.  Family and friends have become a light to me the past six weeks, helping me see that the dark spots aren't hugely scary.  At the very least, they aren't hugely scary when you have someone there holding your hand.

Several of my friends have dealt with PPD, and it's been a great help to me to talk to them.  They understand how I feel, and can talk me down from the verge of a panic attack.  They've helped me realize that Baby Girl is going to grow and thrive, and that just because I get frustrated when she cries doesn't mean I'm a bad parent.  

I've also started getting out the house with Baby Girl.  We go visit family and friends, go shopping, or just go for a walk.  And when I need a Baby Girl free moment, The Husband takes her and I escape to Target.

And in spite of all of the crap that is my depression, Baby Girl is happy.  She smiles more and more each day.  The smiles help.  She is getting bigger and no longer fits in most of her newborn clothes.  She adores tummy time.  She is growing up so fast, and I don't want to miss a single moment.  

We're still alive!

It's just hard to write blog posts with one hand!  So here's some bullets to update you!

• Baby Girl is doing great.  Our new saying around the house "She's thriving in spite of us"
• Things are starting to settle into a routine at our house.  Our world was a bit crazy for the first two weeks of Baby Girl's life.  I came home from the hospital with a stomach bug, then when I finally started feeling better, The Husband got food poisoning and we had to take him to the hospital!  It would have been a rough two weeks even if I hadn't had a newborn and a c-section to recover from.  But we survived, and I think it upped our confidence level.  If we can keep Baby Girl alive through that, we should be ok through regular stuff!
• In the midst of me and The Husband getting sick, Moo ate a bag of M&Ms.  Guess he was feeling left out of the we-cant-keep-anything-down group that me and The Husband had.  Carpets to be cleaned, eventually.
• Baby Girl did give us quite the scare when she was a week old though.  About 4 hours after a feeding, she started spitting up exorcist style.  I was seriously waiting to see her little head turn around.  And the spit up? Had brown chunks in it.  I ran up stairs and woke my husband, who called the pediatrician.  Turns out I should have named my baby Renesme.  My nipple had a crack in it, and she had been drinking blood along with the milk.  (Maybe I've been watching to many episodes of Vampire Diaries?)  It took her awhile to get all the blood out of her tummy, but once it was gone, she was back to her normal, happy, non exorcist self.
• Baby blues suck.  Hard.
• This has been our first week on our own, and I think we're doing ok.  I still haven't ventured out of the house with Baby Girl.  I'm to afraid of everything that's out there that could get her sick.
• Honestly, I'm afraid of a lot of things that have to do with Baby Girl.  I'm working on getting over them, but it's hard.  I think the anxiety ties back into the baby blues.  But this is where our saying comes into play.  I may not have a clue in hell what I'm doing, but Baby Girl is thriving, so I must not be screwing it all up!  And so long as she's alive, we can pay for therapy for all the damage I do to her psyche.

Birth Story - Updated with Picture

Sunday was an anxious day for me as I waited to find out whether or not I'd be going in to the hospital for an induction. Finally, I received word that there was room for me that night, and we headed off for the hospital.  When we got there, the whole main entrance was under construction, which really stressed me out.  The hospital had told us that if we didn't arrive on time, they might not start the induction, and I was hugely sick of being pregnant.  After finally finding our way to labor and delivery we were about a half hour late, only to find out we were the only ones in labor and delivery.  The ONLY people.

After we finished all the paperwork and were admitted we were taking to our room.  The nurse placed my IV, and put me on the monitors to watch Baby Girl and to watch for contractions.  As soon as she plugged the contraction monitor in we saw a pretty strong one go across the screen.  I didn't feel a thing.  I took this as a good sign.  Maybe I was already dilating?! It took another hour for the doctor to arrive to administer the cervidril himself.  Holy Hell.  I almost came up and out of the bed while he was placing the drug.  Add to that that there was no change to my cervix; still high and closed.  I was hoping that would be the worst of it.  But I was wrong.  About a half hour later the contractions started to get painful.

My doctor wouldn't let me have an epidural until I had dilated to a 4.  That became my goal.  All I had to do was make it through the night, he'd check me in the morning and then I'd get the good drugs.  Meanwhile, I was getting shots of something that took the pain away for about 45 minutes, but I was only allowed the shots every three hours.  So, 45 minutes of peace, then agony until the next shot.

During the night, my stomach decided to rebel against me.  I got horrid diarrhea as a reaction to the cervidril.  I got another shot of something to make the diarrhea stop, and a shot of zofran to ease up the nausea.  More cramps, more nausea, more diarrhea, more pain.

Soon, it's morning, and my doctor is there to take out the drug, and check my progress.  And after all that pain, there has to be progress, right?  Nope.  NONE.  Cervix still high and closed.  It was at this point that I burst into tears.  Thirteen hours of labor, thirteen hours of hell, and my body hadn't done anything right.  I was given three options: Go home and continue to labor on my own (Um, hell no); Start the pitocin and see if we can make the cervix respond (Dr. said it would more then likely fail and that he still wouldn't give me any good drugs until I was dilated to a four); Or do a c-section.  I think I debated for all of five minutes.  The pain needed to end, so a c-section it was!

Things after that are kind of a blur.  The anesthesiologist came in and started spouting off his stuff, my doctor started going through his stuff, and I was signing papers.  I remember telling everyone I didn't feel well, and throwing up (which up until the birth I hadn't done since 2003).  I remember someone coming in and shaving me, and someone coming in from the NuMom2B study and talking to me, but I don't remember about what.  I was focusing on making it through the contractions, and they were doozys!

They asked me to walk to the OR.  I laughed at them and they got me a wheelchair.  All I could think about at this point was that I would soon be getting a spinal and the pain would end.  I wish I could say that I was excited to meet my Anna, but that thought wasn't there.  When we got to the OR, they had me climb onto the table, and then the anesthesiologist started to work on my spinal.  It took him several tries, for which he kept apologizing, but honestly the pain was less than contractions, so it didn't faze me.  When he got it right, and the pain started melting away I was in heaven.

The rest of the birth is only in bits and pieces of memories.

I remember them setting up the curtain, hearing my doctor explaining the surgery to a resident, someone asking my husband if he wanted to see her born (his response, "no thanks") and then hearing the most beautiful cry in the world.  I started crying, and thinking of how much I'd been through to get here.  All of it was worth it (cliche, I know).  The Husband even teared up, although he denies it now.

They took her out, The Husband went with.  He came back with a picture of her and she was beautiful.  They brought her out to us, and all I could see were her eyes, but they were beautiful eyes.  Wheeled back to my room, and there was my mom, and I started crying all over again.  When I got back to the room I had my mom and The Husband unwrap her so I could count her fingers and toes.  Cue more tears.

It was quite the journey to get her here, but we are so happy!

She's Here!

Anna was born at 9:36am on Monday morning.  She weighed in at 8 pounds 9 ounces and was 20.5 inches long.  She is absolutely beautiful, and me and The Husband love her to pieces!

We were released to come home from the hospital Thursday, and that's about the time I got the stomach bug from hell.  We've been trying to take care of me, and Anna since, and battling guilt as we discuss breastfeeding and formula due to the fact that I've been to sick to nurse since we got home.  We were able to get a used breast pump, so it looks like Anna will be able to get some breast milk by bottle, and then we'll supplement with formula.

It's been a rough first week, but I promise to post the birth story soon.  Right now I'm focusing on getting better and learning about my little one.

Getting closer to meeting Baby Girl

Well, today is the big day.  Or rather the lead up to the Big Day.  Tonight I go to the hospital to start the induction process.  I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous as heck!  In the past two months so many "caring" moms have told me their birth stories and other peoples horror birth stories that I've got all these images in my brain that won't go away.  I mean, really, was that necessary?  Did they have to do it because it was done to them?

And to jump off on a tangent here, you know how many judgmental people are telling me that they would never have an induction?  I've heard: to many risks; it's not natural; wait for the baby to decide when she's ready; and my favorite, just relax and it will happen.  I'm 8 days past due people.  Screw relaxing, screw waiting on her timeline, and screw natural (honestly with the Femera, it wasn't really a natural conception anyway, why should her birth be all natural?).  I'll take the risks, I want my Baby Girl out!

Ok, tangent over.  Besides being nervous, I'm so super excited!  Baby Girl is going to be here soon!  I can't wait to hold her, and then scold her for taking so long to come out.  The Husband is excited too, although he's trying to hide it.  If I didn't know him better, I'd be really peeved about his attitude.  But it's the same face he presented when we were getting married: happy indifference.  Also, I think he is nervous about the labor and possible c-section.

Off to watch some Vampire Diaries to kill time until tonight.

Bullet Point Update

Have you missed me?  I've missed me!  My computer has been dead for almost three weeks, and I couldn't post at work.  So, here is a whole bunch of updates for you:

• Baby Girl is officially past due.  She is also huge.  Had an ultrasound done today to determine size, and the doctor is estimating her at 9lbs 5oz.  He said he could be off a pound in either direction.  Let's hope he's an over-estimator!
• We've scheduled an induction date.  I will go in to the hospital next Sunday the 28th and start the process.  That means by this time next week I should have a little (haha) baby girl in my arms!  It's really nice to have an end date in sight.
• However, my cervix remains relatively unchanged.  The doctor says it is not "favorable" and that my odds of having a c-section are way up.  Add that to her size and he told me to mentally prepare myself for that.  Joy.  I was really hoping to not have to cross that bridge, but I will do whatever it takes to get Baby Girl here.
• The little popsicle hoarding doorbell ringing annoyance girl next door came over to check on me last night.  She can't quite grasp the concept that Baby Girl was due Saturday and still isn't here.  She told me that as long as we were waiting, why not wait until March so they could have the same birthday?  
• Then, she asked me if I was excited to have this baby because "You used to be so skinny!"  I'm taking it as a compliment.  Someone thought I was skinny before!
• Speaking of weight, I'm down two pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight.  Factor in 9 pounds of baby, and I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself.
• I have become addicted to The Vampire Diaries.  Net flix does not get them to me fast enough.  Stephan is cute and all, but Damon has me won over.  And the fact that they routinely make fun of Twilight?  Love it!  (I'll let you in on a little secret: I'm not a fan of the Twilight movies.  The Husband, however, is a major Twi-hard.)
• I'm also reading a ton.  I will take any and all book suggestions!  I'm currently re-reading The Wheel of Time series.

I think that's about it.  I'm off work on maternity leave (not by choice, my contract ran out of money for the fiscal year) and trying to enjoy my free time while I can.  Hopefully the computer keeps working so I can update you guys more often!

Dreams

I had an amazing, yet heartbreaking dream last night.  And it's pretty much all I can think about this morning.

I've told you that baby girls name will be Anna Beth.  The Beth part comes from my Grandma.  She was, and will always be, my hero.  She was the center of everything, the one with all the knowledge and answers.  She always had a solution to a problem, although sometimes the solutions were not practical at all.  She died in 2006, and I miss her so very much.

Last night I had a dream where she visited me at my house.  I got to show her around, and she talked to me about how proud she was that I was married and a homeowner.  We both oohed and ahhed over all the baby things in the nursery.  She told me how excited she was that I was having a baby.  She gave me a great big hug and told me that I was going to be a great mother.  I wanted to stay in that dream forever, but finally my Grandma told me she had to go, but that she would be watching over me and baby girl.

I'm not an overly religious person, but I am very spiritual.  And I know that wherever great people like my Grandma go after they die, that she's happy there.  And I'm holding on to the idea that it wasn't just a dream, that somehow I was really with her last night.  And that she will watch over me and little Anna Beth.

And I hope that someday, I can explain to my baby girl how special her name really is.

Back among the living

I am finally counting myself back among the living.  Last week was rough.  Bronchitis.  Boo.

I wasn't feeling my best last Sunday, but didn't think much of it.  I have heard, after all, about how women feel crappy the closer they get to delivery.  So there I was feeling slightly ashamed for being a "normal fertile type pregnant person". . . And so I figured I didn't need to tell anyone I wasn't feeling great.  No need to whine.

By Tuesday I was feeling pretty awful.  And decided to mention it at my checkup.  Told the doctor how I was feeling, he did his doctor thing, and told me I had bronchitis.  Huh.  No wonder I felt like shit.  And can I just say, that momentary flash of triumph that I wasn't just a whiny pregnant person?  Priceless!  So the doctor put me on antibiotics and told me to rest and all that junk.  And today?  Today I finally feel like I am back to normal.  Still have a lingering cough and runny nose, but nothing I can't handle. 

In other related news, I had my 36 week checkup last Tuesday, and baby girl has dropped.  Which was nice of her since I was having problems breathing with the bronchitis.  Had the strep b test done (why didn't any of you previously pregnant ladies warn me about this?!?) And a cervix check that showed I wasn't dilated at all and my cervix was hard.  Which is ok, because baby girl still has time left before she needs to be here.

I have my 37 week appointment tomorrow, so we'll see if anything has changed!  I'll update you guys sooner this time, I promise.

Summer

The popsicle plan backfired.  But surprisingly, not in the way I thought it would.  I figured once the kids got a taste of the free sugar, they'd be asking for popsicles every day.  Of course, I was prepared for this; I bought a giant thing of popsicles!

Instead, I now have lots of friends.  Lots of friends who are 10 years old or younger.  They come over to my house every night when I get home, not to ask for a treat, but to hang out.  They tell me all about their day (which usually involves riding bikes, swimming, and whatever cool dead thing they found).  Then they check up on me and the baby, play with Moo for awhile, and then leave.

I know, you're thinking it doesn't sound so bad.  And it wasn't at first.  I was honestly a little honored that these kids thought I was "cool" enough to talk to.  But soon one visit a night was two, and then three, and then more.

I attempt to ignore them when they ring the doorbell, but then they start knocking on the door.  And the dog goes nuts.  And if I continue to ignore them, they start ringing the doorbell again.  Then knocking.  I timed it once, they were out there for five minutes!  Once they even opened my door and started to come in to the house (they got an earful for that one).

Monday I'd had enough, and went down and explained to the kids that if I didn't answer after they rang the doorbell once, I wasn't going to, and they had to stop.  Their little faces looked so sad.  So I gave them popsicles.

34 week appointment

I just got back from my 34 week appointment.  Things are looking great, and the doctor said my pregnancy is progressing nicely.  Which is always good to hear!

I had to go in again two hours after I ate lunch to have my blood sugars tested, but they came out fine.  The doctor said this means I don't have gestational diabetes (which I thought we'd already determined) but he wants me to keep eating healthy.  Which is pretty much a no brainer.  I think my body is loving the fact that I'm giving it better fuel to burn.  I hope to continue the trend long after the baby is born!

Blood pressure is fine, although I was a bit freaked out over the number: 142/62.  The doctor told me it's the number on the bottom that concerns him the most, and since I was coming into their office in the middle of a stressful work day, he wasn't concerned about my numbers.

I'm still measuring a week ahead, but the doctor isn't concerned about that either.  And he's equally not concerned by the fact that I now weigh 2 pounds less then when I conceived.  So either everything is going great, or my doctor takes to much x.anax. 

Things that made me smile this week

• Minute Maid Light Lemonade.  Soo good, and refreshing with the heat.  And also a great treat at the end of a long day!
• My fur baby Moo.  He follows me everywhere lately, even on all of my bathroom trips, although he gets locked out.  He's started sticking his paw under the door when I'm in there.  Makes me smile every time!
• My Nook.  I love being able to carry 20+ books around with me wherever I go.  
• My Zune.  Without music I'm pretty sure I'd turn into a grumpy, mean spirited person.
• Anything related to Anna.  But that's a given.
• Being told by a lady at work and another one at my pharmacy that I look amazing.  Totally made my week, because I'll be honest here, I don't feel like I look amazing.  I feel fine physically, but I don't know how well that translates to what everyone else sees.  
• Cold baths.  Absolute heaven!  By the end of the day I feel overheated and swollen, and a nice cold bath makes me feel so much better!  Plus as I'm laying there reading my Nook, I can look over at the door and see paws sticking under the door.  Who wouldn't smile seeing that?
• Watermelon anything.  Fresh watermelon, watermelon sorbet, watermelon bubble gum.  Yummy!  And the price on the fresh watermelon is going down, which is really helping my budget as I've been eating it non-stop since January.

What's made you smile this week?

My Third Summer as a Popsicle Pusher

So begins another summer.  Last week I went to the store and bought a giant box of otter pops, and I know it isn't the last box I'll buy this summer.  What started out as a great way to get a certain little boy to leave my house, has morphed into a summer tradition.  And the kids all know it.  I am, for better or worse, The Popsicle Lady.

This year, the popsicles came with rules.  First rule is that they can't come up and bug me incesantly about getting a popsicle.  I'm hoping that the kids respect this rule, but I'm not certain they will.  The second rule is that I will no longer hand out popsicles to any of the kids if I find any of my flowers picked.  I'm hoping the lure of the popsicle mixed with kid peer pressure will save my blossoms.

Back story on the flowers:  I've been getting home from work each night to find my flowers picked and then abandoned in my driveway to wither and die.  It's one thing if you are picking my flowers to take home to your mom, but to pick them and just let them die?  Anger.

Anywho, there are two new little kids in our circle that moved in over the winter.  They didn't know about the popsicles, and we so excited to get them.  So excited in fact, that they took out my trash cans and helped me weed the front yard.

All this time I've been going about it the wrong way.  I was using the popsicles as a way to get the kids to leave, when I could have been using them to get yardwork done!  What have I been thinking?

Spoiled? Yes. But also incredibly grateful.

I had a baby shower last Saturday.  It was beautiful and fantastic and so surreal.  I couldn't believe how many people were there to help me celebrate my little miracle.

My friend threw the shower, and it was so well put together.  I'm still waiting on pictures to be emailed to me, but when I have them I'll make sure to post some.  I swear this friend could be a party planner (I don't know why I was so surprised actually. . . .She was the one who planned my wedding, and it was fabulous as well!)

When my friend was planning the shower she asked about what I would and would not like.  The only rule I gave her?  To not be too baby focused.  I know, tough rule.  But the infertile that's still inside me couldn't stand that my shower might hurt someone else.

All together, it was a nice shower.  No dorky baby shower games (although there were games), the food was wonderful (so they tell me, I just ate the watermelon), and the people who showed up made me smile.

I'll post pictures when I get them.

Oh, and as to why I'm spoiled?  This shower was one of three.  My next shower is July 16, and the final shower is August 5th.  Yeah, I'm spoiled, but so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to be spoiled!

Update on the Gestational Diabetes

About a month ago I failed my 1 hour GD test.  And I realized that I haven't updated you guys on what's happened since then.

The following week I took my 3 hour test.  Longest 3 hours of my life.  The glucose drink was thicker and sweeter then it was for the 1 hour test.  It was hard to drink, and hard to keep down the first hour of the test.  Overall, the test wasn't as bad as I'd feared or as good as I'd hoped.  But I survived it.

When I received the results, I had failed the second hour blood draw, but passed the other three.  So I'm now on a "we'll just pretend like you have gestational diabetes, even though you didn't completely fail the 3 hour test" diet.  The only plus side to this, is that if I feel like I must cheat (like with the really yummy cupcake at my shower Saturday) I don't feel horrible. 

Otherwise, I'm cutting way back on sugar and carbs, and have been told to increase my protein substantially.  Boo.  Me and protein have not been friends throughout this pregnancy.  I can't say that I've had many cravings other than watermelon, but I have definitely had aversions, and anything with meat has been unable to be eaten.  But I'm sucking it up in the name of a healthier me and a healthier baby.

At my last check up appointment the doctor had me eat a normal lunch and come in two hours later to have my blood sugar tested.  And it was normal.  Now he wants me to do it again at my next appointment in two weeks.  Hopefully all is well that time too.

So short version: I don't have gestational diabetes, but I'm pretending I do.

I knew that pregnancy came with it's own special kind of body changes.  I was expecting most of them.  The stretch marks I wear like stripes of accomplishment, even when I whine about them.  The leaky boobs mean that my body is trying to make food for the little one.  The big stomach is her safe haven for the next nine weeks.  I can even get used to the stranger ones, like my normal freckles turning into huge spots, or the itchy rash that I cannot get to leave my elbows.  Honestly, if that's what it takes to make this baby, I'll deal with it!

But then Sunday happened.  And quite honestly, I think I found a pregnancy change that I'm not loving.  I was driving home from The Husbands parents, and I kept getting this hair falling into my eye.  I'd take off my sunglasses, brush my eye, pull my hair back, and then two minutes later, that same hair is back.  Since I was driving, I couldn't find the offender and deal with it, so I waited until we got home and grabbed a mirror to find the evil hair.

It was my eyebrow.  I had a three inch hair growing out of my eyebrow.  WTF?  How is that normal, even pregnancy normal?  And three inches?  I've been walking around with old man hair in my eyebrows for how long?  AACK! 

So, since I'm not going to claim that my body would do something like that without the benefit of pregnancy, we are going to call this a nasty pregnancy symptom, and hope that it never ever comes back.

The Things People Say. . .

I've reached a point in my pregnancy where I am obviously pregnant.  I've passed the "Is she just gaining weight? Maybe she's fat" stage and entered into a whole new unknown.  It the place where complete strangers feel it's appropriate to comment on my size, my weight, my tummy roundness, and anything else they can.

The conversation ususally goes something like this:

Stranger: So, when are you due?
Me: August
Stranger: Ooohhhhh (then looks at stomach again)
Me: Yep
Stranger: Are you sure there's just one in there?
Me: Yep (but what I really want to say is some snappy comeback about them making judgments about my weight)
Stranger: That baby's gonna be huge then!
Me: Well the doctor is fine with her growth, so I'm not worried
Stranger then usually lapses into a story about a friends brothers cousins ex wife who had a kid who was huge and how it totally wrecked her body/mind/car etc.

Yeah, thanks stranger.  I find your knowledge about me being pregnant just as helpful as all that information you spouted regarding infertility.  I mean, doesn't everyone trust other peoples advice more than that of their health care provider?

Then last week at work, a male coworker comes up and asks me, "So, how much weight have you gained?"  First off, none of your damn business.  And second, I haven't actually gained any weight.  How do people think that this is an ok question to ask? 

And finally, I have to complain a bit about the little kids in my neighborhood.  Every single time I step outside, one of the brats kids says "Wow, your tummy is HUGE!"  Is it bad of me that I want to respond with something to make them run inside and cry?  Probably.

Honestly though, even though these people annoy me, and I will complain about them (because I'm a top notch complainer, just ask The Husband) a big part of me is thrilled that people are recognizing I'm pregnant.  And if they don't understand exactly how much of a miracle I consider all of this, it's their loss.  Because I'm loving it.

NuMom2B Study Visit 3

I am a bad blogger.  I had my third NuMom2B visit  on May 3rd.  And I haven't blogged about it yet.  Time to remedy that!

The third and final visit was quite fun.  I had to do all the regular things like give samples of blood, urine, and vag swabs.  They had me do a separate swab this time, but didn't tell me what it was for.  I should have asked.

Then came the fun part: the ultrasound!  I invited my parents to be there for this ultrasound, because the machine at the hospital is so much better than the one at my doctors office!  The ultrasound was fun; I don't think I'll ever get tired of seeing my miracle on the screen.  They measured baby girl because they said the measurements given to them by my doctor weren't of great quality.  I didn't mind, it was more screen time.

Then they switched on the 3D/4D imaging.  And it was amazing.  My baby girl turned from a profile shot into a real baby.  I know she was real before, but this was truly fun to see.  But I'll be honest, and say it was also a little creepy.  If the scan went "down" to far, there were suddenly giant holes in her face and head; body parts would disappear and reappear.  Also, it doesn't matter how great the quality is, baby girl still didn't look quite human.

I then answered a whole bunch of questions for the study.  All of them repeats from the previous two sessions.  They questioned me about diseases I've had; my and my husbands family history; my exercise regimen, etc. Then a quick jump on the scale and blood pressure check and I was free to go.

They also gave me a dvd of the ultrasound (which I haven't watched) and a whole bunch more pictures (which I have oohed and ahhed over several times).  They also gave me a paper that I'm to present to the admitting nurse when I deliver, as the study wants to get samples of the placenta.

After going through all of the crap to get pregnant, this study has provided me a much needed reassurance that everything is going well with this pregnancy.  I'm very glad I signed up to do it.

I failed

The one hour glucose test, that is.  I just got a call from my doctors nurse, and I have to go in next week to take the three hour test.  I'm pretty disappointed honestly.  I figured I wasn't going to pass, but there was that hope that everything would be ok.  There are just way to many things working against me for me not to have gestational diabetes.  But we'll see.  No official diagnosis until the three hour test is back.

Wish me luck!

It never goes away

So here I sit.  Happy and 27 weeks pregnant.  (Holy shit, 27 is a lot of weeks!)  And IF is never far from my mind.  I may have won a battle against PCOS and IF, but I know many who are still out on the front lines fighting the war.

IF came back and smacked me today.  I received a bill for a test done last September; a progesterone test.  And I noticed in the bill that the insurance hadn't paid any of it.  And I couldn't figure out why.  So I called the place that billed me, and was told the insurance wouldn't pay because it was related to infertility.  I know, I know, I should have seen that one coming.  But I felt so blindsided.

I was so frustrated, so angry, that I said to the woman on the other end of the line "I know it's not your fault, but that really pisses me off.  It's like they keep finding ways to screw you over!"  And you know what the nice lady said to me?  She told me, "I know.  I've been there.  I've fought your battles.  And it is hard, and they do screw you over."

Well that caught me off guard.  I told her that I was pregnant, and due in August, and she genuinely sounded happy for me.  I asked her if she'd made it through the battle, and she got quiet, and in a voice that I can only describe as pure happiness, she said "Yes".

This quick conversation really got me thinking.  IF never goes away.  Even if I choose to only have this one child, IF will always be there.  If I choose to fight again for another child, I'll be facing the battles again.  But just because I've won this battle, it doesn't mean that IF is no longer there.  There will always be people fighting in the front lines.  I just hope I can support them like they supported me.

Mother's Day

Warning: Rant below.  The rant does deal with pregnancy, but also with life, so if you don't feel like reading, I understand.

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  My first Mother's Day with a baby.  Yes, she's still an inside baby, but she's mine.  I looked back at last Mother's Day.  The day I tested and got yet another BFN.  And cried.  And ate a whole tub of ice cream.  My heart aches for the me of last year.  My heart aches for all the other women who don't have their dream baby yet.  It was a surreal day where a part of me was happy to be where I'm at, and another part of me wanted so much to pull each and every woman who is still struggling across the chasm to be with me.  It doesn't feel 100% right to be here when others aren't. 

Saturday night I make a point of reminding The Husband, yet again how important Sunday is for me.  I even spell it out: "I want you to acknowledge the day with a gift.  Doesn't have to be big, but something"  That's a good hint for a guy right?  When I tell him this, his friend is sitting next to him (they were getting ready to play computer games) and the friend looks at me and says "You're not even a Mother.  Not really"

Friend almost got kicked upside the head.  And so did The Husband when he responds to Friend "Yeah, I know.  I've tried logic with her, and she never listens"  The Husband and Friend proceed to laugh, while I'm still standing there.  Oh, such anger.  I told them to have a great night (laced with sarcasm) and went to my room (yes, at that point The Husband wasn't going to get to sleep in there) and shut the door.  And promptly burst into tears.

I forget sometimes how men can be so utterly clueless.  I sat on my bed and cried until my throat was raw and my eyes were puffy.  I cried because I didn't understand how he could make such a callous comment when he had watched my, our, struggles to get pregnant up close.  I cried because I didn't understand how he could take the side of Friend when I'm The Wife.  He didn't marry Friend, he married me.  I cried because I felt that he didn't feel that Anna was worth enough to celebrate. 

I cried and cried, and must have been not as quiet as I thought I was, because The Husband came into my room.  And asked me why I was crying.  And then got upset with me when I told him why.  Men.  He said that neither he nor Friend had meant to make me upset.  That it was a joke.  Harmless.  I told The Husband that it was a shitty joke, and completely fucked up.  I stopped crying.  But didn't really forgive either of them.

Woke up Sunday morning to a present and a card.  Not sure when The Husband went shopping but I suspect it was after TearFest 2011.  He got me a card and signed Anna's name, and both of the fur kids.  And in the card he wrote how happy he was to become a Dad.  And I forgave him a little more.  And then the present was a new purse, which I love.  Especially knowing that he thinks my love of purses is a waste of money.  And I forgave him a little more. 

He's now allowed back in our bedroom.  At least for the time being.

It's been too long since I last posted.  And I have no real good reason for not posting.  On the surface, my life these past two weeks has been perfect.  My dad is out of the hospital, and has been release to return to work.  My husband received a promotion at work and now gets to do what he's wanted to do forever, computer programming.  I'm still liking my job, and loving the fact that congress passed a budget so I get to keep working.

And I know what you're thinking: Amber, you're pregnant, you've got it all!  Just shut up already.

And I would tend to agree with you.  Which is why this week has been so hard.  I have no reason to explain the depression I've been battling this week.  It's been a struggle to get up each morning, and a battle to not retreat directly to bed when I get home from work.  I've been fighting the blahs tooth and nail this week, and even then not winning.  And then on top of feeling depressed, I've felt guilty for feeling depressed.  Issues?  Yep, I have em.

Two things changed my outlook this week.  The first was a lovely package from Genevieve with some beautiful butterfly photo stands that are going to look so amazing in the baby's room.  How she managed to send them at a time when I needed something beautiful is beyond me, but I'm so very grateful!

The second was being able to see my little Anna on an ultrasound.  During the last ultrasound the doctors office couldn't get a clear picture of her heart, and so we had to have another one done yesterday.  And there she was, moving around, looking healthy and right on track.  And I realized that she was the reason I've been fighting to get up in the morning, and the reason I'm not hiding in my bed at night.  I fought for two years to get to this place, and I'll keep fighting to keep my head above water.

Hopefully I'm back from the black hole of this past week.  I've been dealing with depression for more than a decade, and I'd like to say that I won't fall back into that hole.  But at least I know I can always climb back out.

Just a quick update.  My dad's surgery went well.  The doctor even told us that he had a fantastic anatomy and that the surgery was textbook.  Great things to hear when they are messing around with the aorta in your dad's body.

He was in ICU for about 12 hours after the surgery so they could monitor him closely.  Then he was moved to a regular room for another day or so.  He was released this morning, and is now home resting.  I'll be taking part of tomorrow off from work to give my mom a break and some well deserved time to her self.

It's been a long interesting week, but it's ending well, and that's what matters.

Good and Bad

Things have been hectic here for the past week or so.  Hence the lack of blogging.  I would just get a post written, only to have the very thing I was writing about change.  The week has been full of good things and bad things, and for the most part those things have resolved themselves.

As you know, I'm a government employee (contractor) and that meant that I was facing furlough.  Never has the news coming out of Washington DC interested me as much as it has in the last month.  When someone else's decisions can affect your financial future, it makes for interesting watching.  They of course passed a temporary resolution late Friday night, and are working on writing the new budget for the year into law.  I'll be honest, part of me is relieved that I am working today, and part of me is a little bummed not to have gotten a day or two off.

Then there's my dad.  He's scheduled for surgery to repair his aortic aneurysm tomorrow.  I'm really nervous about this, and didn't really want to write that last sentence.  Somehow telling all of you what he's facing makes it seem more real.  So I've been avoiding putting it into words and making it concrete.  But it is what it is.  We find out this evening what time he'll be wheeled into surgery tomorrow.  After the surgery is performed he'll be in the ICU for a time to make sure all his vitals stay where they should be.  I really don't want to see my dad in ICU.  It was hard enough seeing him in the hospital the beginning of March.  As always, prayers and positives thoughts are welcome.

And finally, to end this post on a positive note, we started on the nursery this weekend!  I've picked out a bed set, and we painted the walls.  The Husband is not so sure about the color I picked, but I'm happy with it.  When I get home I'll post a picture so you can check it out.  It was a fun weekend.  My parents came up to help with the painting, and I really enjoyed getting to spend some time with them.

Second Ultrasound

Baby girl wasn't playing nice at the ultrasound yesterday at my doctors office.  We didn't get any good pictures of her this time.  She would not stop moving!  It was really fun to see my parents faces as they watched her on the screen.  My dad was in awe, and I could tell my mom was already in love. 

The doctor wasn't able to confirm the sex, but did say that he's 70% sure its a girl.  We didn't tell him that we'd already found out, because I didn't want his opinion to be biased (yes, I'm paranoid, deal with it).  The tech at the first ultrasound was 99% sure it was a girl, so I'm thinking we're safe.

All of baby girls organs looked good, and she's measuring about 4 days ahead.  The doctor wasn't able to get a great veiw of her heart, so we'll be having another ultrasound at the next visit in 4 weeks. Darn.

NuMom2B Study Visit Two

I wasn't as nervous for the second study visit as I was for the first.  I know what was going to happen, and this study visit pretty much followed the last one.  I think the reason I was nervous was because I was going to find out what we were having, boy or girl.

When I got there, I had to give my urine sample, and then do the vaginal swabs.  No big deal.  After that they took two vials of blood, and luckily I got the same nurse as last time, so I didn't have to reexplain my stupid veins!

After the blood work, they asked me a whole bunch of questions, some of which were repeats from my last visit.  They asked about my racial background, my husbands racial background, and then the background of each of our biological parents.  (Which quite honestly seemed silly to me, as if my background came from someplace other than my biological parents)

Then came the fun part: the ultrasound!  They found the heartbeat quickly and measured that.  Then they determined the baby had two hands and two feet, a head and other things.  I'm not sure what all they were looking for or at, I just stared at the image of my baby on the screen.  They kept saying things like "There's his hands" or "He's being so stubborn."  I thought that was how they were going to tell me what my baby was, by referring to the baby with pronouns.

But then the tech moved down to the baby's bottom, and she said "It's definitely a girl!" and I was floored.  A baby girl!  So much for a mothers intuition!

After we found out what we were having, the tech used the ultrasound to measure the blood flow in both of my arteries that flow to the baby.  She turned on the blood flow part of the ultrasound, and I could see the red and blue on the screen that showed my blood pumping.  It was a really neat experience.

Then I had to have a vaginal ultrasound to measure the length of my cervix.  They didn't tell me what it was, but they didn't look like I was in immediate danger either, so I was ok with that.

After all the ultrasounds were done, I was weighed, and had my blood pressure taken.  Then I was asked more questions regarding how I handle stress and conflict.  All in all, not an unpleasant hour.

I also got a dvd of the ultrasound, and a bunch of pictures to bring home.

Bubbles Big Reveal - Updated with Picture

We had an 8am ultrasound appointment today.  Yeah, 8am.  I'm still yawning, but that could be because I was to excited to sleep last night.

Me and The Husband drove separately, and The Husband was late.  Since it was a NuMom2B study visit, they did all the other fun stuff first.  But I'll write another post about the visit so that I can get into more details.  (on a side note, I can't tell you how many blog hits I'm receiving because I'm writing about this study!)

So we do all the other stuff, and then The Husband is there.  And we start the ultrasound.  It's not the in depth one where they measure everything, that one will be Wednesday.  But they take all their measurements, listen to the heartbeat, and then ask if I want to know what we're having.  Um yeah!!

And here's the fun part.  My intuition was wrong.  Intelligender was wrong.  It's a girl!!  Anna Beth.  Anna after my mom's middle name, and Beth after my grandmother.  I can't wait to meet her!

I'm still in shock.  I've been using the wrong pronouns.  I was so sure!  The Husband is thrilled.  He's been saying girl since the day we found out we were pregnant.  I'm thrilled as well, but like I said, still in shock.

What a fun birthday it's been so far!
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I'm hoping to get better pictures at tomorrows ultrasound, but here's a profile picture of Anna.

New Page

I've created a new page just for Bubbles stuff.  Look up and you'll see where to click!  So far I only have one belly shot, but more will be coming.

If I ever get brave enough to post a ticker, that's where it will be.  I feel like I'm jinxing myself enough already by having a page for Bubbles.  Yeah, I have issues.

Another Dad Update

My dad had a few tests run last week because of his hospital stay earlier in the month.  (For background on the story click here, here, and here.)  He's doing better as far as the blood infection is concerned, but his blood pressure has spiked several times since he's been home (200 systolic over 115 diastolic) and the doctors couldn't figure out what was causing it. 

He's had several tests done, and seemed to be very healthy.  He's had brain scans, an echo cardiogram, chest x-rays, and lots and lots of blood work, and everything comes back normal.  So the doctors decided to check his kidneys. 

While they were checking his stomach area out, they noticed gallstones, a small hernia, and an aortic aneurysm.  I'm not a doctor, but I recognize the danger words, and aneurysm is one of those.  Which led me to Google.  Basically, his aorta has a bulge in it.  The doctor that reviewed his test results told him that they don't do usually worry or do emergency surgery until the bulge reaches a 6.  My Dad's is at a 5.5.  So this Friday he gets to go see a specialist.  It's likely that he'll have to have surgery to repair the bulge.  But we won't know for sure until the visit on Friday.

Honestly, I'm scared out of my mind.  It's been a long journey for us to get to the point where we're pregnant.  I've wanted so badly to be able to have my dad see his first grandchild, and having him in and out of the hospital makes me worry.  I know he's not getting any younger; he's 70 for crying out loud.  And yes, I realize I'm being fatalistic, and he's more then likely going to be ok.  But I worry, and I cry.

I realize I've asked for more than my fair share of support already.  But I'm asking for more.  Please keep my Dad in your thoughts and prayers, again. 

Just in Case you Didn't Realize I'm a Nerd

Happy National Pi Day!

Go celebrate by doing some math, or eating a pie, or doing math while eating a pie.  Be creative, and have fun!

Bubbles' Reveal Date

We've got our appointment for Bubbles' big reveal.  We'll actually, we've got two appointments!

The first is March 28 (which also happens to be my birthday!) for the next NuMom2B study visit.  They told me that they would tell me then what I was having if I wanted to know. 

The second is March 30 with my OBGYN.  Yeah, two days apart.  I tried scheduling them farther apart, and even tried to convince the NuMom2B study people that they wanted to do my ultrasound early.  It didn't work.

I will be 19 weeks pregnant for the visits. (Holy crap, 19 weeks?!)  I'm super excited to find out what we're having, and super nervous to about possibly finding out something is wrong with Bubbles.  Mostly, I'm focusing on the excited.

I had my 16 week blood work done last Friday.  I elected not to get the screening test for abnormalities done.  The Husband and I decided that regardless of what the results said, we were keeping Bubbles.  And the test was more of a "you could have this" rather then "you definitely have this".  I was really torn about it before Friday, but I'm really comfortable with the decision I made.  Any big problems will show up on the anatomy scan at the end of the month. 

That's about all I have as far as updates go.  But honestly, I don't mind being boring.  It's relaxing.

A thank you to infertility

I know.  It seems strange.  But I really did find a reason to appreciate infertility.  No, this is not a post where I wax philosophical about my life changes and how IF made me a stronger person.  I may be pregnant, but in my mind IF is still the devil, and still the hardest battle I've fought.

No, the reason I'm thanking IF is because it taught me that Dr. Google can give you lots of information.  Not all of that information is welcome, and in fact most of it freaks you the hell out.  Thanks to that knowledge, I didn't Google blood infection whilst my dad was in the hospital.  I didn't want to know.

But you know what I did yesterday?  Once I knew my dad was home and feeling better?  Yep.  I Googled the hell out of it.  And after what I read, I was grateful to IF for giving me the sense to stay away from Dr. Google while my dad was in the hospital.

Because guess what Interwebs?  Blood infections are big, scary, and sometimes deadly diseases.  Yeah, I'm really glad I didn't know that earlier last week.  And I'm really glad that the doctors all played it pretty close to the chest.  No one at the hospital let on that we were facing such a scary thing.  True, they seemed really concerned about dad, and there was someone in there visiting him at least twice an hour, but heck, I've never stayed in a hospital, and I figured it was normal.  Why wouldn't the interns and doctors check up on my dad every thirty minutes?  Why wouldn't they take his blood every two hours to run tests on it? Why wouldn't they do an echo cardiogram on his heart to make sure that there was no infection in there?  (BTW, they didn't print out a picture of his heart.  I was bummed.  I figured we could put his ultrasound picture next to Bubbles')

Again, thanks to everyone for their support, prayers and positive thoughts.  Dad is on the mend.  And double thanks if any of you knew what blood infections could do and didn't tell me.  Because I really didn't need to know until he was better.

Dad update

Well, my dad is out of the hospital.  They released him late last night.  He's at home with orders to rest and take more antibiotics.  He was so excited when they came in and told him he'd be going home, he started taking off his hospital gown right then.  Made me smile.  Being a hospital, it took them about half an hour before he was finally released.

Here's what we learned.  The blood infection was "most likely" caused by the root canal.  The doctors also say that it could have just been a coincidence, but I don't really buy that. 

We also learned that although it doesn't happen often, sometimes when people get epi.nepherine with their dental work, that small amount can make it into the blood stream and cause panic attacks.  The dentist has assured my family several times that its rare, and that we shouldn't worry that it will happen again.  But, I'm all for my dad finding a new dentist.  That's two strikes in my opinion, and I'd hate to see what would happen with a third strike.

Thanks everyone for all the thoughts and prayers. 

Quick Update on my Dad

They've discovered that he has an infection in his blood.  They did some cultures and found bacteria, so they are treating him with a general antibiotic until they can figure out what kind of bacteria it is.

He will be in the hospital for at least one more night while they run more tests.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers!

Prayers - Updated

My dad has just been rushed to the hospital.  He was driving home and started feeling funny so he went straight to the doctors office.  The doctor tried to help him feel better, but couldn't.  She called an ambulance and he was taken to the closest ER. 

They don't know what is making him ill.  He had a root canal done this morning, and it may be related to that.  They've done chest x-rays and ruled out pneumonia.  It's looking like they are going to admit him.
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My dad is still in the hospital, but according to my mom is looking much better.  They still aren't sure what caused everything but they are still thinking it relates back to the dental work.

At the dentist they gave him lido.caine and epi (which I've since found out is epi.nepherine).  The doctors at the hospital think that it was the epi that caused him to feel anxious and shaky.  They also have no idea why the dentist would give him epi for a root canal. 

By the time he reached the family doctors office on his was home from the dentist, he was shaking so hard and was feeling so anxious he could barely drive.  The family doctor immediately called my mom to come and take Dad to the hospital.  Unfortunately she was half an hour away.  While they were waiting for her to arrive, my dad got a fever that kept going higher.  His blood pressure also started to rise pretty high.  The doctor did what was best, and called an ambulance to take him to the nearest ER.

Mom got to the family doctors office as the ambulance was loading Dad up.  She spent the rest of the afternoon with him at the ER.  Then about 430 yesterday they decided to admit him to a different hospital, which meant another ambulance ride.  I was finally able to visit with him at that hospital and stayed until visiting hours were over.

Dad is being treated by a group of interns that we've started calling Dr. House's helpers.  They keep asking Dad questions about his health history, what drugs he's taking, what he's feeling, how he felt on his drive home, etc.  Then they go out in the hallway and collaborate.  Quite honestly, Dad is enjoying all of the attention.  I feel pretty confident that this group of young doctors will figure out what is wrong with my dad.  My only wish is that they would do it faster.  I hate seeing my dad in a hospital bed.

Keep Dad in your thoughts and prayers.  He's a strong man, but even the strongest need help.

Take that February Blahs!

On my way into work this morning, I saw green plants poking up through the frozen ground.  GREEN.  And alive.  And all at once, my February Blahs started to recede a little.  I started feeling hopeful that winter won't last forever.  I may have even spoken aloud to mother nature and told her "I don't care how much more snow you give us, I've seen the green, and I know spring is coming"  Don't worry, I work downtown, and lots of interesting people talk to themselves, so I'm sure no one really noticed.

Seeing spring coming caused me to reflect on the past year.  On where I was a year ago.  And how things have changed since then.  Last year I was so hopeful with the new green of spring.  I took it as a sign that I would get my dream, and finally be pregnant.  Last year I was just beginning on the medicated part of my journey, and having a plan made me so excited.  Last year, I was scared to death to be hopeful; scared that my hope would turn to disappointment.  And a few times, it did.  Every time I felt down, every single time I gave up, I'd think of the spring flowers, and how even though they were buried under ice and snow for months, they pooled their strength and when the time was right, they grew.  And they bloomed.

And now it's spring again.  The sun is shining a bit longer every day.  The plants are starting to shoot up out of the cold ground, and hope is in my heart again.  It has been a long, sometimes difficult year, but I came through it.  I came through it, and now I'm blooming. 
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Through this whole post I kept thinking of something my Grandma (I miss her every day) said to me when I'd tell her how pretty her garden was. "It takes a lot of shit to grow healthy flowers"  It did take a lot of shit to get a pretty garden; in the form of fertiliser of course.  But also, when you think about it, in the time it took to plant, to weed, to care for the flowers.  In the fact that you had to take a risk in planting them in the first place.  Every seed you plant doesn't always turn into the prettiest flower. 

My Grandma, she was a smart lady.

The post where I sum up two weeks worth of stuff into one blog

Yeah, I really need to write more often.  But I've been super lazy, and instead of coming home and updating you on my life, I've been going to bed.  Some may claim pregnancy as an excuse, but I know better.  It's pure laziness.  I have been keeping up with all of you on your blogs, and sometimes I even crawl far enough out of my cave and comment.

I've decided its the February blahs.  I'm feeling blah because winter isn't over, and although spring is close, it's not close enough to really start dreaming about it.  I need to get outside and do stuff, plant things, walk the dog, bask in the sunshine (with sunscreen of course), and I can't do any of those things.  Sigh.

That leaves me all sorts of time to wallow around inside freaking out with every twinge that something might be wrong with Bubbles.  I've had a couple more episodes of spotting, but everything's ok.  I even got to hear the heartbeat last week, which was awesome.

Anyway, in an attempt to fill you in on my life over the past two weeks, I'm going to be lazy (see?!) and use bullet points:

• Valuable lesson learned: Don't take your prenatal vitamin on an empty stomach and then drive 30 minutes into work unless you want to pull over and puke on the freeway.  Not pleasant, and pretty damn embarrassing.
• Basketball games are much more fun if you are watching them at the arena.  Even more fun when you manage to score tickets to sit in a suite, eat catered food, and watch your hubby drink free beer.  They had free wine too.  And at halftime they brought in ice cream, which was awesome.  I'm pretty sure it will never happen again.  But what a neat experience! (oh, and on a side note, my team lost, but it was still the best game I've ever been too!)
• I found out that I may actually have a job until September!  Which means, I should have a job until I deliver Bubbles.  Should being the key word.  I have to check in each month with accounting and see how much money they have left in my contract.  Sigh.
• And speaking of work, they are moving me and Dingbat to a new office.  It's not any bigger, has equally crappy views, and yet I'm still excited.  Yeah, I'm a dork.
• I currently am nursing the cold from hell.  Otherwise known as the cold that would be fought off by day.quil.  Yes, I'm complaining about pregnancy.  Well, not about pregnancy per se, but about the fact that I can't take some drug and make the sniffles go away.  
• Adding to the pregnancy thing, I'd like to put it out there that this is hard.  There's the mental freak outs I have daily thinking I've done something wrong to Bubbles.  There's all the stupid assvice I'm getting from well meaning people.  Then there are the random freak outs in which I worry that Bubbles won't be cute, or smart, or funny.  I know, I have issues.
• Even with all that from the bullet point above, infertility was harder.  Infertility is the toughest thing I've had to face, and though at this point I'm giving it the finger, I know that me and IF will do battle again, and that scares the shit out of me.

That about sums up the last couple of weeks.  I know I missed stuff, and I promise I will post the award from the lovely Kakuna!  It's just the lazy thing.  And the February blahs.

Bad Blogger

I have been a bad blogger this week.  I know it, you know it.  I've been sporadically leaving comments, but I don't think I'm doing that up to my full potential either.

There is much going on, and I have a blog award I need to post (thanks Kakuna!), but I just haven't had the whatever it is I need to write a real post this week.

However, I'm taking tomorrow off of work, calling it a mental health day, and hopefully will be back posting by the weekend. 

Bear with me.  I'll be back to normal soon.  Well as normal as I've always been, which is to say, not normal.

I didn't get the job

I just received word that I didn't get the job.  And you know what?  I'm not upset.

I'm relieved!

Why I need a new job

As promised, the explanation for why I need a new job.

Currently I am a contract worker for the government.  That means I work at the government, but get paid by someone else.  It's a great way for the offices to keep costs down (ie, they don't have to give me all the benefits a regular government employee gets).

I really love what I do.  I find my job fulfilling.  The days where I dread going into work are few and far between.  And I may complain about Dingbat, but honestly she's the sweetest lady (just has a couple of screws loose).

The problem is that in the last three years I've worked as a contractor, I've had four contract companies.  Four different companies paying my wages and providing benefits.  They've all been nice, but they don't seem to have staying power (I'm not sure that's their fault).

Come March I'm facing not having a job because my office won't be able to pay the newest contract company.  They are hoping to find some money somewhere to keep me on, but I'm not holding my breath.  With the economy the way it is, it's a wonder any government organization has money to run it's day to day business.

I've known about this since before Thanksgiving, and I've been job hunting since then.  But as anyone who's looking for a job knows, there aren't that many openings, and there are a lot of people applying for what's available.

Job Interview

I have a job interview tomorrow.  For a job I applied for in October.  Long before I got pregnant.  But now I feel like I'm caught in the cross hairs.  I know legally they can't discriminate against me because I'm pregnant.  But I'm up against four other people, and I'm sure I'm the only one knocked up, so how hard would it be to not choose me?

Here's another twist to the problem.  I'm interviewing for a job that will be in the same office I'm already in.  However, since I'm a contract worker, it wouldn't simply be moving from one desk to another.  It would mean switching companies.

Also, since I'm already in this office, I hear a lot of the rumors, and right now the man that would be my new supervisor has been complaining about a recent new hire who is pregnant with triplets. (Yes, she was on fertility meds)  He tells anyone who will listen how unfair it was of her to take a job knowing she would be out of the office on maternity leave.  He's especially mad because she didn't tell anyone she was pregnant while she was interviewing (legally you don't have to, btw)

So now, I'm trying to decide how to approach this.  I'm not showing yet (just look chubbier), so I know it's not obvious I'm pregnant.  However, some people at work know, and at least one of them is a blabber mouth, so I'm not sure how many people really know.  Do I go in to the interview and be honest and upfront? Or do I wait until I hear back with a job offer? Or do I not say anything at all?  Pretty soon it will become more obvious that I'm preggers, and I don't know how to deal with that situation while looking for a new job. (I promise I'll write another post letting y'all know why I'm job hunting)

Any advice?

Answers

Last Thursday morning started out like any and every morning.  Woke up and ran went to the bathroom.  Didn't think anything was wrong until I wiped.  And saw red blood.  Red.  Cue huge freak out. 

I went back to the bedroom and stretched out next to my husband, who, smart man that he is, immediately figured out something was wrong.  It could have been because I never get back into bed once I'm awake and getting ready for work.  Or it could have been the sobs.  You pick.

Called the after hours line at my doctors office.  I just kept thinking of all of the blog ladies I've read who had bleeding and everything turned out ok.  Finally got a call back.  I told the doctor on call about the spotting and how far along we were, and he wanted us to come in for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was ok.  He said that more than likely everything was fine, but that having me worry isn't worth it.

Then I wait for an appointment time.  Did I mention that my doctor takes Thursdays off?  So I'm laying at home, in bed, freaking out that something is wrong with Bubbles, and thinking that I'm going to have to meet another doctor.  Anyway, as I'm laying there worrying myself to pieces I get a phone call.  From my doctor.  And he wants me to come in that afternoon for an ultrasound that he will perform.  On his day off. 

Cue the tears.   I called my husband (he went to work because of a big project) and he agreed to meet me at the doctors office.  Meanwhile, I've called work and told them I'm sick, and called my mother and told her the same thing.  I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone else that Bubbles might be in trouble.

When we got to the doctors office, he was waiting for us and took us right down to the ultrasound machine.  And then, after what seemed like forever, we saw a picture of Bubbles, looking fine and healthy!  And next to Bubbles (and Bubbles living area) was a good sized dark patch.  The doctor said it was probably blood, and to expect more spotting.  He said it was probably what caused the spotting, and probably (yes, he said that word that many times) because of the placenta attaching to my uterine wall.

Here's the fun part though.  He said that that patch of darkness is most likely what the ultrasound tech thought was the twin.  I'm still not sure about the second yolk sac, and neither is my doctor.  He has never seen any additional yolk sacs at any of my ultrasounds.  Maybe it was just a weird glitch in the ultrasound machine at the study place?  I'll probably (hehe) never know.

It's a week later, and I've had no more spotting.  We've made it to 10 weeks and 4 days.  It still seems very unreal to me.  My fertile friends say that it started to hit home for them when they missed their second cycle.  But I've gone months without a period, so missing two in a row doesn't seem like that big of a deal.

Things at Work

So, today I decided to go out to eat for lunch.  I work downtown, but I really wanted something out of the immediate area, so I drove to a yummy soup place (this is not the story, but back story, I promise!)

On my way back I had to get a little creative due to some closed streets.  But, never fear, I made it to the street my office is on.  All I had to do was make a right hand turn.  Except there were pedestrians crossing the street.  And that same corner houses the police station.  So I figured I'd be nice (ie, law abiding) and let the pedestrians cross the street. 

The guy behind me didn't see it that way.  He got super pissed off, and starting honking his horn at me.  I looked in my rear view mirror and he was making all sorts of fun hand gestures and mouthing words I probably don't want to know.  So, being me, I decided, F him, and waited for the people to cross the street. 

They finally cross (with a wave and a thank you to me) and I turn the corner.  But idiot in the car behind me is really angry that I made him wait an extra 10 seconds (yes I timed it) so he turns wide to get in front of me and then cuts me off and slams on his brakes.  WTF?  OK, now I'm pissed.  You just put my hard earned baby at risk.  I may or may not have flipped him off.  I plead the fifth.

Not only does he slam on his brakes, he then proceeds to drive really slowly, like 5mph slow to show me how cool he is.  Whatever.  I turn into the parking garage for work, and he turns into the parking lot next to it and just stares at me.  Watches me park.  Freaks me the hell out.

So, I sat in my car, and called my office.  Luckily we have a security guard.  A really big, tough, mean looking security guard.  I called the receptionist, and she had the guard come out.  I waited in my car for him to show up.  By that time the idiot in the car had fled.  Either way, I was grateful for the escort back into the building.

And then you know what happens?  I start crying.  At work.  Shit.  Everyone seemed to understand, but it's hard enough some days being a woman at work, but then add crying to that?  Stupid pregnancy hormones!
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And on another note, I have to tell you what Dingbat said to me this afternoon.

"Boy, I better not miss my family reunion because you have your baby"

Um, yeah, I'll work on that.

New Baby

My SIL R had her baby today!  I don't have pictures (I'm not sure if I could post them anyway).  The baby and R are doing great.  Baby was 6 pounds 11 ounces and 19 inches long.

We get to go see her tonight.  I'm really excited.  I'm not going to lie though, this would be a really hard day if Bubbles weren't with us. 

As it is, I'm still nervous about going to the maternity ward at a hospital and seeing all the new moms with their babies.  I wish there were a badge for infertiles.  It wouldn't hurt so much if while walking by the nursery you saw the badge on the babies name plate, or on the mother's door.

At least that way I'd only have to be bitter about some of the babies, not all of them!

NuMom2b Study Visit One

I wasn't going to talk much about my participation in this study.  However, I looked at my stats and found that there have been a lot of people that have found my blog by searching for the NuMom2b study.  A quick search myself led me to the conclusion that there really isn't much information out there about this study.  I'm hoping that by writing about it, it will give others more information and help them make the decision on whether or not to join.

So I went to my first study visit last night.  They had already sent me a whole bunch of paperwork to fill out and bring in to my first visit.  I had to fill out a consent form, a couple of authorizations for them to get my delivery records, a W-9 (because they are paying me $50), a questionnaire about my eating habits before I got pregnant (really long, reminded me of the SAT/ACT in high school), and a page asking me questions about my emotional state.  It was a lot of paperwork! 

So I got to the study, turned in my paperwork, and was taken back to an exam room.  The first thing that happened was that I received my ultrasound.  I got to see Bubbles again!  And Bubbles now has arm and leg blobs!  It was pretty awesome to see, and I got to hear the heartbeat. 

After the ultrasound I had to provide samples of blood, urine and a swab up my hoo haa.  Not to bad actually.  After that I was supposed to have an internal exam (ie, with a speculum), but as I came out of the bathroom, I was cornered by three ladies who had concerned looks on their faces.

Why?  Well because they thought they'd seen two yolk sacks on the ultrasound.  I'm pretty sure my heart stopped.  So I had to have an internal ultrasound to find out if there were twins, because if there were twins, I couldn't be in the study.  But by having the internal ultrasound, it would mess up something about the internal exam, and they wouldn't be able to do it that night.  I of course chose to have the internal ultrasound (hello, better pictures of Bubbles!).

So, as soon as the ultrasound starts, the tech says, see, two yolk sacs.  I stopped breathing.  Then she zooms in and gets a better look, and I'm not sure what she saw the other times, but there was just one baby.  She checked around for about 5 minutes, but no other baby was found.  I resumed breathing, and felt my heart go back to normal.

It's not that I wouldn't love twins, it was just such a shock!  I immediately starting thinking of all the additional complications and costs, and how was I going to tell The Husband, etc.

Anywho, I have to go back Thursday for the internal exam.  So I don't have any details on that yet.  But I was sent home with more homework!  I had to fill out forms about my sleep habits, my emotional state, The Husbands family background, my family background, and blood issues.  It sure is interesting!

I'll post again when I know more about the internal exam.  Meanwhile, I'll leave you with a picture of Bubbles with leg and arm blobs!

Introducing Baby Bubbles!

Heartbeat!

We saw a heartbeat today!  What a beautiful sight!!  The baby is growing right on track, and measured at 7 weeks 5 days.  I have pictures, but can't find either the scanner or the camera to get them on here, but I will post them as soon as I can.

A heartbeat, can you imagine?  This may actually be happening!

Baby Shower Help

No, not mine (but please let us make it that far).  The shower is for my SIL R.  She asked me to volunteer for the games because my MIL, quite honestly, picks the dumbest games ever.  MIL also MUST HAVE GAMES at her showers.  And she gets out of sorts if no one plays them.  Sigh.

So, in I step, and volunteer to take over the games.  Because I'm selfless like that (haha).  Ok, maybe its more like I hate going to the damn things, hate playing all the dumb games, hate watching preggers people open tiny gifts with tiny clothes and tiny toys. . . Yes, I know I'm preggers now.  No, that doesn't take away my hatred for all things baby shower.  So by doing the games, I thought I'd at least have control over one aspect of the dreary happy occasion.

So, rambling aside, I'm stuck.  I need to have a couple of games to play to appease my MIL, but they need to not completely suck to appease everyone else.  Oh, and if they didn't have to relate to how fabulous it is that R is pregnant and going to pop, that'd be great too.

Help!

PS any advice on how to get through these things without drinking would be great too!